I Hate This Post

Spotting continued over the weekend. I used the bathroom on Tuesday at 11am only to find a small amount of dark red blood.

I immediately called the doc, went in for an ultrasound.

Sadly, it confirmed what I had already been feeling since Saturday.

We lost the baby.

Growth stopped at 9w3d which was what it measured on our doctor's visit last week.
It could have happened any time from that day through Monday or so.

I wonder if I didn't actually hear the heartbeat over the weekend?

Maybe I just heard what I wanted to hear.

I'm going in for a D&C tomorrow at noon. I'm not scared because I've done it before, at least I know exactly what to expect.

This just sucks. I honestly have very little words. At this point it feels...just...familiar. I'm used to it now, which is pretty fucked up if you think about it.

Now, once again all I have are a few little things to remember this one by, just like the little piles I have for our other two.




And, my last baby picture I got yesterday:



There is more to say, I just don't feel like writing more now.

Sometimes I want to give up

Dear Diary,

I guess I just had a really bad weekend.

I had to miss two of my girl's events. I hate how my body/fertility issues always find a way to sneak into other parts of my life.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. I am scared that I will get bad news or have to have another procedure, or even that they will prescribe meds to force my body to start working again.

Forcing my body to do something is how I landed here in the first place, with the D&C.

My body, obviously, does whatever it wants, then punishes me for trying to push it.

All weekend, while dealing with intense pain and other awful things I just kept thinking: how can I do this all again?

Even when my period does decide to show up. Then what? Try again for another 6 months to a year? Then what? Get pregnant? Then what? Miscarry again?

Shit.

I just can't even imagine.

I want to give up.

I spend time imagining myself growing older without children.

Would I eventually learn to be ok with that?

Would C stay with me? Or run off to find some fertile broad.

I know it may sound dramatic. I don't care. These are the actual thoughts I have.

I'm willing to give it one more shot. Deal with whatever happens this time, put myself through the pain.

If I get my period, if I get pregnant again, and if I should miscarry again I don't know how I will be able to try again.

Honestly though, I guess even thinking about it now... the idea of how ridiculously long it might take to even get to the point of miscarrying again.

I mean it could be a year from now, easily.

I will have probably long forgotten this day, as this is only one of the many countless days I've thought of giving up.

I know it won't be the last.

Thanks, diary, for listening. Next time I promise for some good news, or at least a more positive attitude.

Ok...this is getting a little ridiculous.

If anyone is curious why I haven't brought up any fertility related subjects for a while, it is because...I'm still waiting.

For my period to start, that is.

I'm 60 days post D&C.

I had painful cramps yesterday. Today I'm sore and bruised feeling which is awful.

I can't continue the testing process or get blood work done until something happens. RAR!


Dear Body,

Please start working.

That would be great.

Thanks.

Dilation and Curettage

I went in on Tuesday for a D&C. I got to the surgical center at 11:30am, filled out some paperwork and then went back into the pre-op area. After getting into my gown, ugly socks, and stupid hat the nurse fixed me up with an IV drip.

C was able to come sit with me then until I was rolled away.

I thought the most scary part would be at that point. Getting into the operating room. It turned out I was nicely distracted by nurses and doctors that were in there chatting away and playing music. I had to scoot over from the bed onto the operating table. I laid my head down and the anesthesiologist leaned toward me and said he'd injected the "relaxing meds" into my IV. My doctor walked toward me and asked me if I was feeling better. I said no, she laughed and said "you will." One of the nurses reached over to strap my right arm down to some kind of restraint. I looked to my left to see if the other arm would also be restrained. Just as I was trying tell them to watch out for the IV (which hurt to put in so I really didn't want them accidentally ripping it out) I must have been knocked out.

I woke up, in what felt like only a few minutes. I felt my bed come to a stop in the recovery room.

There was lots of babbling and talking, none of which was important. Apparently my doctor came in to talk to me also, I don't have any recollection of that.

The rest of the day was just a blur, I was very tired and weak. No pain, minimal bleeding, it was ok.

I thought, after that fear was no longer an issue I would break down. I didn't.

Yesterday I was tired. My abdomen sore, tender, bruised, whatever. No pain, mild discomfort.

I sit here now sad. I am disappointed. Even though I had feelings for weeks that something wasn't right, knowing deep inside that this wouldn't work, it still sucks. There is nothing that can take those feelings away at this point. I have kept myself busy, tried to avoid thinking about it.

Once again, leave it to me, I have many silver linings.

In pre-op my doctor came in to talk to C and I before my procedure. She immediately wanted our permission to test the fetus and tissue. Just by her saying this I was so relived that we were all on the same page, and that she didn't think that we should wait for the 3rd loss. She seemed concerned, saying that having back to back miscarriages, taking over 6 months to get pregnant each time, and how the fetus growth stopped at around the same place each time, was suspicious. (I couldn't agree more)

She also told me at this point we'd start doing a lot of testing. She wanted to test all my hormone levels, once my body was back in it's regular cycle. She also wants to test for any blood clotting disorders, or autoimmune and thyroid issues.

Lastly she suggested that after the testing and results were in she wanted to refer us to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) basically a fertility specialist. She said she realized how long it had taken to get pregnant each time, and thinks we should get help to speed up the process.

That was the first time since we've seen her that I felt like she took us seriously. It was such a huge relief. Prior to that she just quoted statistics about TTC for a year before testing, and how miscarriages were 1/4 and even how my odds might be slightly worse this time around. Which they obviously were.

I think what has kept me strong and held together is the fact that I know that before we even start trying again we'll have answers.

Even if the only answer is that there was nothing specific wrong, it was just an abnormality. I think even knowing that would make me feel like getting pregnant is guaranteed to end in loss.

No heatbeat and a D&C

Sunday morning I woke up and peed.

And there it was. More bright red.

Its over.

I had already known it. But here was the confirmation I was waiting for.

Even with this, I decided to wait it out a little while before telling C.

I got up, dressed, fed the cats, then went back to the bathroom again. And there was more. I had been cramping most of the night. Not bad. Just mild period like cramping.

C was outside watering. I walked out and told him that I thought it was over.

We decided to just get the news over with.

We drove to the ER.

I feel like I knew this was coming for weeks at this point. I didn't think C was quite on the same page.

He isn't in my body, he doesn't see what I see every time I go to the bathroom. I just knew, and there was no way he could have.

We spent 3 or so hours at the ER. I kept it light, made him take a picture of me in my hospital gown with my wrist tags. We laughed a lot, joked about how we would come in healthy and leave sick with all the germs.

I think we both knew that we would leave without laughter, so it was best to get in a last few moments of happiness while there was still time.

We had the ultrasound. We waited for blood work. The doctor came in to confirm what we already knew. I got my Rohgam shot, and we were calling our parents and then on our way home.

At this point it was the afternoon and we hadn't eaten. We stopped to get something and brought it home.

It wasn't until I got back into my pajamas and sat on the couch with my lunch that I broke down.

Such an unfortunate thing to happen. And twice....

There will be time for my emotional comments later.

Since then I have been in a constant state of fear. Fear of having a D&C, fear of having a natural miscarriage before then. I think it has helped me to keep my mind of what has actually happened in a way. Or maybe it is what I think, and I just feel less damaged this time around.

Being put under anesthesia is on my top 5 worst fears. The plus side is, by the end of today I will have conquered one of my worst fears. The downside is that I will have to face one of my fears.

It will be better than what I went through last time. Which tells you how bad it was last time. I'd rather face this fear. I'd rather spare C all the awful traumatizing moments. It's better this way.

So here I sit, drinking my coffee, feeling a little more calm and relaxed than the past two days, waiting for my procedure which will be in about 5 hours.

I'll post again when it is over, when I no longer have a baby inside of me.

That is so weird, just as weird as last time.