One Week Later...and a little story about a crack whore's baby

Ok seriously....

I've tried to write a post everyday for 5 days and each time I save it half way through and decide not to go back.

That is how fast my mood has been changing. I can't even finish a thought. Frankly, it is amazing that I've been at work all week and, though it has been a strain, I'm getting some things done.

You thought pregnancy brain was bad...

Try miscarriage brain.

C and I have been doing ok. We are trying to work through all the emotions that come along with this. It feels so different each time. We are still also waiting on the test results. Hopefully we will get them soon enough.

Recap thoughts and feelings of the first week after loss #3...because I'm sure people really want to know the depressing details about 3 consecutive miscarriages...(though in all seriousness some people probably would like to know, so I'll continue):

Similar to the other two in the feelings of: Sadness, loss, guilt, anger, fear, frustration, bitterness.

* Different from the others in that:

* Most sense of hope is lost at this point. I cannot possibly imagine being excited about a pregnancy again. Ever. And, I also can't even picture the few minutes after delivery, you know, that part where you get to see and hold your child for the first time? Even with all that we've been through I could always picture that moment... until now.

* Doctor's quick mention of the long list of fertility assistance options is anxiety causing.

* Even though with the others we definitely had the "this isn't fair" rants and raves.

It has been taken to a whole new level of intensity.

I think I've used the example of how often crack whores get to have a successful pregnancy about 10x.

Seriously though....really...a crack whore....? I even get an awesome mental image of a 80's style hooker cradling her newborn in her dirty, bruised, heroin tracked arms. Her passed out boyfriend on the couch next to her while she is trying to stuff her emaciated boob in her child's mouth while a cigarette is hanging out of hers. And of course add the sound of Pit Bulls barking in the background as they are trying to jump over the chain link fence.

Dude, WTF? See how quickly my mind wanders?! I just went back and read that after realizing I was writing about killer dogs and fences.

I feel like I should probably delete that because it feels borderline inappropriate.

But... I'm not going to. It is how I feel.

So, sorry if you are a crack whore reading my blog right now and I offended you.

Honestly, if you are a crack whore, please go get help.

Now.

For the sake of your child...if you have one...which would be wildly unfair... so fuck you.



Ok...

well...

I guess that about sums it up.




p.s. Yay! I actually finished a post! Not my best, but I don't really care.

I found the heartbeat... but... I'm spotting

Being pregnant after any loss sucks. Just saying.

After my doctor's appointment on Thursday (internal exam, I've been spotting. It's been 4 days. FUCK!

Why me?

I'm trying not to freak out. She said it is normal after that, but it is still scary and I wish I had told her to keep her poky metal contraption and self out of my whoowhoo. Seriously. Now it feels totally unnecessary. Everything was going fine and now this.

Luckily I got the Doppler in the mail on Saturday.

I wasn't super worried about the spotting on Saturday so I went into the Doppler experiment with a cool head. And I found, what I thought was the heartbeat (HB), really fast! The only problem is, it felt way too slow. Like 134-140 bpm. We had just seen the HB on the ultrasound the other day and it was at 152bpm. So I was concerned but not freaking out. I figured the doppler wasn't perfect and maybe it was hard to read.

Sunday morning I was still spotting. By this point I was WAY concerned. Not only is the spotting now slowing down, on top of that, the HB sounded slow. Lame.

I, of course, being the logical person I am, freaked out. I confronted C about all my worries and he felt worried about the HB being slow also. We decided that I would call the doctor on Wednesday if the spotting continued. Then maybe I'd get another ultrasound before my NT scan on the 22nd.

After our long conversation about our concerns I decided to try to find the HB again on the Doppler. I spent 30 minutes searching really low and finding nothing.

I decided to move it closer to my belly button and there it was! 160-170 bpm, sounded SO much different than what I thought I found the day before.

SUCCESS!

After that I definitely started to feel a little better.

Self Help - Enneagram Personality Type

I believe that this post more or less ties back to the New Years "goals" I had come up with.

Either way, I feel like this deserves it's own post.. and .. .cuz I can.

I may have mentioned previously my love of therapy.

If you haven't tried it, it's great, highly recommended for any mental ailment, even if it seems like something very simple.

Within the past couple weeks I have decided that some major changes need to happen. I think the freeway "breakthrough" really emphasized that for me.

My top personal, self help, goals:

1. Develop my own sense of identity

2. Work on the strengths of my personality that I have lost over the years
a. Timeliness
b. Organization
c. Independence
d. Follow through

3. Overcoming perceived fears


I was introduced to something called Enneagram Personality Type



This is by far, is the coolest, and most creepily correct, personality test I've ever done.

I was in absolute shock at how accurate the descriptions (both good and bad) are of me. It is crazy! (I'm a type 9 btw)

The best part is that I can easily identify all of the negative personality traits that I need/want to work on.

Click here to take the test (I know you will find it interesting)


After you figure out your personality number you can read in-depth info on it, and how you and your partner are together if you know their type. The doc says there is a book with much more information, I will probably pick it up from Barnes & Noble next time I have a chance.


So if anyone actually takes the test, please post a comment and let me know what you thought, I find it so interesting, I am very curious if others find that theirs is a match also.

Enjoy!

Bridge

Well you guys, we're here.

I am 8w4d today. Baby #1 stopped growing at 8w3d and baby #2 stopped at 8w1d.

My next ultrasound is a week from today, where I should be measuring 9w4d.

This week is the pivotal point. It is completely stressful that I have to wait another week to find out if we have bridged the previous pregnancies.

I've been cramping on and off for the past couple weeks, and this week I am now at the constant "panty-check" point of paranoia, which is annoying. Holding my breath every time I pee, fearing the least favorite color in any pregnancy: red.

Shit, this part sucks.

I wonder if everything will go well next week. I wonder if it does go well if I will be able to relax a little? That would be nice....

I really need to find ways to keep myself busy, any suggestions?

Sadly, camping out on my front porch smoking cigs, drinking wine, and people watching is no longer and option ;)

Oh and, I can't tell if I'm getting a cold or if my major nose congestion is just a symptom....weird...

Big Week

Now that I am over my dramatic emo moment I have a lot to focus on this week.

I interviewed last week for a job that I REALLY would love to get. I should hear back by the end of this week, one way or the other.



C and his dad are going to build a fence this weekend, between our neighbors house and ours. It will be SO nice to have something like that done. Most of the backyard projects we've been talking about for 3 years, and it seems that things are finally happening!

It will look kind of like this:




Then, finally, I finally have a doctor's appointment today.

Last week I went in to get blood drawn for, what they call a recurrent loss panel. It was about 9 vials they test for a variety of Thyroid, autoimmune, and blood clotting disorders.

They will also give me an ultrasound, my fingers are crossed that there is no scar tissue or anything requiring another procedure.

Also, the big question. Where is my period?

Sometimes I want to give up

Dear Diary,

I guess I just had a really bad weekend.

I had to miss two of my girl's events. I hate how my body/fertility issues always find a way to sneak into other parts of my life.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. I am scared that I will get bad news or have to have another procedure, or even that they will prescribe meds to force my body to start working again.

Forcing my body to do something is how I landed here in the first place, with the D&C.

My body, obviously, does whatever it wants, then punishes me for trying to push it.

All weekend, while dealing with intense pain and other awful things I just kept thinking: how can I do this all again?

Even when my period does decide to show up. Then what? Try again for another 6 months to a year? Then what? Get pregnant? Then what? Miscarry again?

Shit.

I just can't even imagine.

I want to give up.

I spend time imagining myself growing older without children.

Would I eventually learn to be ok with that?

Would C stay with me? Or run off to find some fertile broad.

I know it may sound dramatic. I don't care. These are the actual thoughts I have.

I'm willing to give it one more shot. Deal with whatever happens this time, put myself through the pain.

If I get my period, if I get pregnant again, and if I should miscarry again I don't know how I will be able to try again.

Honestly though, I guess even thinking about it now... the idea of how ridiculously long it might take to even get to the point of miscarrying again.

I mean it could be a year from now, easily.

I will have probably long forgotten this day, as this is only one of the many countless days I've thought of giving up.

I know it won't be the last.

Thanks, diary, for listening. Next time I promise for some good news, or at least a more positive attitude.

Scary few days and the green olive with pimento

Today I'm 9 weeks pregnant. I'm getting very close to bridging my last pregnancy.

Over the weekend I started spotting a lot of brown. I hadn't spotted at all so far, so this was very concerning. It just so happened that during the last pregnancy, the baby stopped growing at around 9 weeks. Right about now. This mixed with the spotting = scary.

I called the doc yesterday morning to let them know that I was spotting and had just started cramping. Luckily they had me come in for an ultrasound.

Oh. I can't even explain how hard it was to wait those 4 hours from when I spoke to the nurse and when the appointment was scheduled.

Agony.

C came with me, we met at home and drove to the office. Our drive consisted of talking about what happens when we find out the bad news and what to do next, and even silver linings of trying again.

It sounds negative, but anyone who has experienced a loss probably knows how it actually feels better to prep for bad news instead of pretending it will be good news. Or maybe that is just how we decided to treat it.

FINALLY we were let into the room by the tech who read my chart. She left, and a minute later the actual doctor came in and said he'd be doing it. I'm guessing it was because of my previous loss.

Doctor said he wanted to look at the images for a minute before he said anything. Luckily it was less than that and he said "look I see a heartbeat. Everything is fine."

WOW I was actually in shock, how could it be fine. I really thought it wouldn't be fine. I think C felt the same way, he was like "really?" sounding skeptical.

Then he zoomed in and we could see, a baby bigger than last time and a strong looking heartbeat.

Nice. We feel better. Not 100% but better. But better.

There was definitely fresh blood after that. And I continue to spot new and old blood. I'm trying not to worry about it. The doctor told us he, just simply, didn't know what the cause was. He did say the cervix was closed, so really I'm not super worried. It seems like the bleeding is coming from something on the outside of the uterus, and not the inside.

Relief. I, possibly, might be more pregnant than I have ever been. I'll breath easier at our next scheduled ultrasound, two weeks from today. I should be 11 weeks exactly.

Here is what baby is looking like today. Too bad I forgot to ask for a picture yesterday, otherwise I could show you what it actually looked like. Honestly I couldn't keep my eyes off that heartbeat, so I don't even remember what the body was looking like. I'll assume it looked like the image below (not the green olive) :)

Nervous and Scared

That is how I feel.

Tomorrow is my first ultrasound. I'm mainly just feeling queezy. And no, its not morning sickness.

I thought I would be less worried about this part becuase last time this went just fine.

It feels like everyone around me is a little worried also. People keep bringing it up, with a certain tone. Like, its hard to describe. I think most people had never seen me upset, before the miscarriage. I think I hide my emotions well. (not like that is a good thing) But, when people were faced with, well, a depressed version of Katy, they were thrown off. I'm sure no one wants to see me like that again. I don't want that to happen again, obviously. So, I think that is what this "tone" means.

I'm not being super negative. I think there is a fine line between being negative and being realistic.

I want nothing more than for this to work out, to have a happy and healthy 9 months and be rewarded with a smiling little thing at the other end.

I guess I am just guarded. Trying to be less emotional about it, and more logical. Will this attitude help in the event of another loss....I doubt it. But its worth a try. I was extremely emotionally invested in the last pregnancy. And to lose that was indescribably terrible. So, I figure, maybe having the opposite approach isn't the worst idea, right?

Who knows, maybe I'll regret it later.

I think anyone who has experienced this type of loss probably understands what I'm babbling about. I do think it probably seems overly paranoid or jaded to those who have had no such experience.

Anyway, I guess I'm done talking about it.

I thought it would make me feel better to see it written out.

It didn't! LOL oh well.

I guess I'll just have to suck it up,

Close my eyes,

Jump,

and know that I've already proven once that I can handle the unthinkable, I can do it again if that is the universe has planned for me.

What did I do with that wonder woman logo.....ah...here it is :)





On second thought...this has made me feel better!

Now What?

I have had a hard time thinking of anything to write since my big announcement last week.

I don't have any less to say really. I think its all hard to formulate into actual words.

Excited, worried, happy, confused, trying-not-to-be-excited, excited, scared.

Lots of emotions.

My first ultrasound is scheduled in 15 days.

I feel yucky this time. Nauseous. I'm pretty sure its not morning sickness though.

I think it is just nerves.

My first reaction was complete and total relief. The next reaction was...hmmmm... how can I just get my brain to NOT think about it for the next 10 weeks?

I'm trying to stay positive.

I feel so lucky.

I feel so incredibly blessed and at the same time, absolutely scared shitless.

Because my week 4 is coming to a close, here is what baby's size is today, Poppyseed!