I Hate This Post

Spotting continued over the weekend. I used the bathroom on Tuesday at 11am only to find a small amount of dark red blood.

I immediately called the doc, went in for an ultrasound.

Sadly, it confirmed what I had already been feeling since Saturday.

We lost the baby.

Growth stopped at 9w3d which was what it measured on our doctor's visit last week.
It could have happened any time from that day through Monday or so.

I wonder if I didn't actually hear the heartbeat over the weekend?

Maybe I just heard what I wanted to hear.

I'm going in for a D&C tomorrow at noon. I'm not scared because I've done it before, at least I know exactly what to expect.

This just sucks. I honestly have very little words. At this point it feels...just...familiar. I'm used to it now, which is pretty fucked up if you think about it.

Now, once again all I have are a few little things to remember this one by, just like the little piles I have for our other two.




And, my last baby picture I got yesterday:



There is more to say, I just don't feel like writing more now.

9w4d and It's still there!

Measured 9w3d, only one day off, which is fine! Heart rate was 152.

The next appointment is in 3 weeks for my NT scan.

I can't believe we've made it this far!!!

I'd like to introduce....

Baby G.... #3

Well, there is definitely a baby in there!

Heart rate was 152 (perfect) baby's growth was 7 weeks 4 days (perfect).

This is the first time we have ever had the growth rate be on target EVER.

Also the first time the HR was in the range of GOOD, not just "acceptable"

Really we couldn't have asked for better.

I will have to post a picture tomorrow (too many people at work to scan the image in).

Yay! :)

7w1d

My first ultrasound is in a few days!!!

That is all I had to say....

Big Week

Now that I am over my dramatic emo moment I have a lot to focus on this week.

I interviewed last week for a job that I REALLY would love to get. I should hear back by the end of this week, one way or the other.



C and his dad are going to build a fence this weekend, between our neighbors house and ours. It will be SO nice to have something like that done. Most of the backyard projects we've been talking about for 3 years, and it seems that things are finally happening!

It will look kind of like this:




Then, finally, I finally have a doctor's appointment today.

Last week I went in to get blood drawn for, what they call a recurrent loss panel. It was about 9 vials they test for a variety of Thyroid, autoimmune, and blood clotting disorders.

They will also give me an ultrasound, my fingers are crossed that there is no scar tissue or anything requiring another procedure.

Also, the big question. Where is my period?

Nervous and Scared

That is how I feel.

Tomorrow is my first ultrasound. I'm mainly just feeling queezy. And no, its not morning sickness.

I thought I would be less worried about this part becuase last time this went just fine.

It feels like everyone around me is a little worried also. People keep bringing it up, with a certain tone. Like, its hard to describe. I think most people had never seen me upset, before the miscarriage. I think I hide my emotions well. (not like that is a good thing) But, when people were faced with, well, a depressed version of Katy, they were thrown off. I'm sure no one wants to see me like that again. I don't want that to happen again, obviously. So, I think that is what this "tone" means.

I'm not being super negative. I think there is a fine line between being negative and being realistic.

I want nothing more than for this to work out, to have a happy and healthy 9 months and be rewarded with a smiling little thing at the other end.

I guess I am just guarded. Trying to be less emotional about it, and more logical. Will this attitude help in the event of another loss....I doubt it. But its worth a try. I was extremely emotionally invested in the last pregnancy. And to lose that was indescribably terrible. So, I figure, maybe having the opposite approach isn't the worst idea, right?

Who knows, maybe I'll regret it later.

I think anyone who has experienced this type of loss probably understands what I'm babbling about. I do think it probably seems overly paranoid or jaded to those who have had no such experience.

Anyway, I guess I'm done talking about it.

I thought it would make me feel better to see it written out.

It didn't! LOL oh well.

I guess I'll just have to suck it up,

Close my eyes,

Jump,

and know that I've already proven once that I can handle the unthinkable, I can do it again if that is the universe has planned for me.

What did I do with that wonder woman logo.....ah...here it is :)





On second thought...this has made me feel better!