Rainbow at Midnight

When I was 14 or 15 on of my best friends, K, and I went on a trip to Alaska. It was summer, late June, I think. We traveled by ferry from Bellingham, Washington up the coast, stopping at various towns and cities along the way.

One of the places we visited along the way was a town called White Horse, it is located in the Yukon Territory in Canada. One night we stayed in this little motel along side a lake, surrounded by trees.

If you've ever been to Alaska or Northern Canada in the summer you know that the days are extremely long, only about 4 hours of darkness per  night.

On this night, K, her Dad and I went out to the lake, fishing I think, or sitting on rocks, or both. It was late, but hard to tell because you could still see the sun low on the horizon, it looked like what 6-7 in the evening should look back in the lower 48. In reality it was almost midnight. And as we sat there we both looked up to see a rainbow stretching across the sky.

It was amazing. I kept thinking, 'how many people can say they've seen a midnight rainbow?!' unheard of, and completely awesome. It is a memory I think back on quite a bit. At the time never knowing how much that would stick with me throughout the years.

So what the hell does this have to do with anything you ask?

Well, after another minor emotional outburst last night and a long talk with C. The conversation was really about coming to terms with the fact that bitterness and sadness really doesn't make our already crap situation any better. I have been falling behind at work, unable to concentrate on even simple tasks. Not necessarily because I'm constantly thinking about miscarriage or pregnancy or infertility in general...

I just have felt like I haven't had it in me to move forward.

I headed to work this morning, and there it was, right in front of me, a huge faded rainbow.

I wouldn't say I'm a huge "signs" person. But today it was different.

The rainbow, sappy as it sounds, reminded me that we do move forward. Even when times are shitty, even when things feel hopeless, or you are lost, you keep going.

The clouds made it almost impossible to see, but as I drove forward, it slowly it became more visible. It can be hard to make out the good things when everything feels so bad.  Like this rainbow, as the clouds lightened the rainbow slowly started to form into a visible shape, each color present, just as good things can become apparent over time.

It sure felt like a sign to me.

And it reminded me, yet again, of that night in the Yukon, witnessing something magical and meaningful that has stuck with me over the past 15 years. Just another sign showing me that I cannot plan on what is going to happen in life, but that if I stay open to it, keep my head up looking for it, I might just see something as simple as a rainbow, like I have, that has comforted me in times of cloudy darkness and given me a memory that is strong enough to last a lifetime.

Self Help - Enneagram Personality Type

I believe that this post more or less ties back to the New Years "goals" I had come up with.

Either way, I feel like this deserves it's own post.. and .. .cuz I can.

I may have mentioned previously my love of therapy.

If you haven't tried it, it's great, highly recommended for any mental ailment, even if it seems like something very simple.

Within the past couple weeks I have decided that some major changes need to happen. I think the freeway "breakthrough" really emphasized that for me.

My top personal, self help, goals:

1. Develop my own sense of identity

2. Work on the strengths of my personality that I have lost over the years
a. Timeliness
b. Organization
c. Independence
d. Follow through

3. Overcoming perceived fears


I was introduced to something called Enneagram Personality Type



This is by far, is the coolest, and most creepily correct, personality test I've ever done.

I was in absolute shock at how accurate the descriptions (both good and bad) are of me. It is crazy! (I'm a type 9 btw)

The best part is that I can easily identify all of the negative personality traits that I need/want to work on.

Click here to take the test (I know you will find it interesting)


After you figure out your personality number you can read in-depth info on it, and how you and your partner are together if you know their type. The doc says there is a book with much more information, I will probably pick it up from Barnes & Noble next time I have a chance.


So if anyone actually takes the test, please post a comment and let me know what you thought, I find it so interesting, I am very curious if others find that theirs is a match also.

Enjoy!

Nervous and Scared

That is how I feel.

Tomorrow is my first ultrasound. I'm mainly just feeling queezy. And no, its not morning sickness.

I thought I would be less worried about this part becuase last time this went just fine.

It feels like everyone around me is a little worried also. People keep bringing it up, with a certain tone. Like, its hard to describe. I think most people had never seen me upset, before the miscarriage. I think I hide my emotions well. (not like that is a good thing) But, when people were faced with, well, a depressed version of Katy, they were thrown off. I'm sure no one wants to see me like that again. I don't want that to happen again, obviously. So, I think that is what this "tone" means.

I'm not being super negative. I think there is a fine line between being negative and being realistic.

I want nothing more than for this to work out, to have a happy and healthy 9 months and be rewarded with a smiling little thing at the other end.

I guess I am just guarded. Trying to be less emotional about it, and more logical. Will this attitude help in the event of another loss....I doubt it. But its worth a try. I was extremely emotionally invested in the last pregnancy. And to lose that was indescribably terrible. So, I figure, maybe having the opposite approach isn't the worst idea, right?

Who knows, maybe I'll regret it later.

I think anyone who has experienced this type of loss probably understands what I'm babbling about. I do think it probably seems overly paranoid or jaded to those who have had no such experience.

Anyway, I guess I'm done talking about it.

I thought it would make me feel better to see it written out.

It didn't! LOL oh well.

I guess I'll just have to suck it up,

Close my eyes,

Jump,

and know that I've already proven once that I can handle the unthinkable, I can do it again if that is the universe has planned for me.

What did I do with that wonder woman logo.....ah...here it is :)





On second thought...this has made me feel better!