Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

I wanted to share with you my story. I know many of you know it already, especially if you read this blog.

When I discovered the Faces of Loss website I knew it was something that  believed in and wanted to share my story, which was just published.

If you have suffered a loss and would like to have your story published click here for the story submission page.

Hair Fix

Ok, for those that were interested - here is the newest hair two fixes later and some color... so much better!! You can't really tell but it is an A-line so that back is shorter with layers so it has more style for sure :)

Conoslation Prize

Gee, thanks for trying...come again sometime!

LOL I wish right.

No, a pregnancy loss does not win you any prizes.

C and I create our own prizes.

I just booked our first BIG trip.

Infertility/Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (aka IF or RPL...because I'm not writing that again) anyway...neither of those will get me down!

We will be packing our fancy cam, birth control pills, and a rain coat for our trip to Europe in October!

We are flying into London and going to try to hit up Paris, Luxembourg, Dusseldorf, Brussels, and Amsterdam!

Totally excited!

Silver lining #15 - no kids = more travel time and money!

Baby #3 Test Results

My doctor called me yesterday to let me know that the results came back.

Same exact thing as last time.

Triploidy, 69 chromosomes, XXX.

See my last results post for more information.

So many mixed emotions with this diagnosis.

C and I go in next week to get blood draws for our genetic testing. I believe this will be the last step to determining if we have a really big (expensive) problem.

I have very little hope that we will be able to bypass In Vitro (IVF)at this point.

In some ways knowing is better, it is nice to not have to wait, worry, and wonder what the cause was.

It is scary to think how much money IVF will cost us and how other things in our life will be harder or have to wait. Buying a new home, vacations, all the debt coming our way.

But then on the plus side...

maybe we'll get a baby?

My New Hair Cut

Pardon the grumpy look in the first one, I was just trying to get a picture with the length.

Here is the new one...with a smile...

And, I'm going in Friday to have it colored, probably blondish red.

What do you think? I never know if I look better with longer or shorter hair.

One Week Later...and a little story about a crack whore's baby

Ok seriously....

I've tried to write a post everyday for 5 days and each time I save it half way through and decide not to go back.

That is how fast my mood has been changing. I can't even finish a thought. Frankly, it is amazing that I've been at work all week and, though it has been a strain, I'm getting some things done.

You thought pregnancy brain was bad...

Try miscarriage brain.

C and I have been doing ok. We are trying to work through all the emotions that come along with this. It feels so different each time. We are still also waiting on the test results. Hopefully we will get them soon enough.

Recap thoughts and feelings of the first week after loss #3...because I'm sure people really want to know the depressing details about 3 consecutive miscarriages...(though in all seriousness some people probably would like to know, so I'll continue):

Similar to the other two in the feelings of: Sadness, loss, guilt, anger, fear, frustration, bitterness.

* Different from the others in that:

* Most sense of hope is lost at this point. I cannot possibly imagine being excited about a pregnancy again. Ever. And, I also can't even picture the few minutes after delivery, you know, that part where you get to see and hold your child for the first time? Even with all that we've been through I could always picture that moment... until now.

* Doctor's quick mention of the long list of fertility assistance options is anxiety causing.

* Even though with the others we definitely had the "this isn't fair" rants and raves.

It has been taken to a whole new level of intensity.

I think I've used the example of how often crack whores get to have a successful pregnancy about 10x.

Seriously though....really...a crack whore....? I even get an awesome mental image of a 80's style hooker cradling her newborn in her dirty, bruised, heroin tracked arms. Her passed out boyfriend on the couch next to her while she is trying to stuff her emaciated boob in her child's mouth while a cigarette is hanging out of hers. And of course add the sound of Pit Bulls barking in the background as they are trying to jump over the chain link fence.

Dude, WTF? See how quickly my mind wanders?! I just went back and read that after realizing I was writing about killer dogs and fences.

I feel like I should probably delete that because it feels borderline inappropriate.

But... I'm not going to. It is how I feel.

So, sorry if you are a crack whore reading my blog right now and I offended you.

Honestly, if you are a crack whore, please go get help.

Now.

For the sake of your child...if you have one...which would be wildly unfair... so fuck you.



Ok...

well...

I guess that about sums it up.




p.s. Yay! I actually finished a post! Not my best, but I don't really care.

D&C

Well, not much to say about this.

My procedure was yesterday at noon. I woke up around 2, which felt longer than the last time.

I guess they had to use extra meds. The farther along you are the more it takes for them to get your cervix open and then shut again.

I was definitely in more pain than last time. Mainly my throat. I didn't realize they shove some tube down your throat. Whoever did it must not have done a great job. Whatever. I'm sure that will pass soon enough.

I felt more alert after it this time. I remember yesterday clearly.

Working from home today mostly, hanging out with the cats. C had to go back to work, which is fine. It is nice to resume the normal schedule.

I guess there isn't much more to say right now. I have my follow up appointment in two weeks. I'm on pins and needles waiting for the autopsy/fetal testing results.

I appreciate all the supporting comments the past few days. It is always nice to know people are out there thinking of us, it is nice to not feel so alone.

I Hate This Post

Spotting continued over the weekend. I used the bathroom on Tuesday at 11am only to find a small amount of dark red blood.

I immediately called the doc, went in for an ultrasound.

Sadly, it confirmed what I had already been feeling since Saturday.

We lost the baby.

Growth stopped at 9w3d which was what it measured on our doctor's visit last week.
It could have happened any time from that day through Monday or so.

I wonder if I didn't actually hear the heartbeat over the weekend?

Maybe I just heard what I wanted to hear.

I'm going in for a D&C tomorrow at noon. I'm not scared because I've done it before, at least I know exactly what to expect.

This just sucks. I honestly have very little words. At this point it feels...just...familiar. I'm used to it now, which is pretty fucked up if you think about it.

Now, once again all I have are a few little things to remember this one by, just like the little piles I have for our other two.




And, my last baby picture I got yesterday:



There is more to say, I just don't feel like writing more now.

I found the heartbeat... but... I'm spotting

Being pregnant after any loss sucks. Just saying.

After my doctor's appointment on Thursday (internal exam, I've been spotting. It's been 4 days. FUCK!

Why me?

I'm trying not to freak out. She said it is normal after that, but it is still scary and I wish I had told her to keep her poky metal contraption and self out of my whoowhoo. Seriously. Now it feels totally unnecessary. Everything was going fine and now this.

Luckily I got the Doppler in the mail on Saturday.

I wasn't super worried about the spotting on Saturday so I went into the Doppler experiment with a cool head. And I found, what I thought was the heartbeat (HB), really fast! The only problem is, it felt way too slow. Like 134-140 bpm. We had just seen the HB on the ultrasound the other day and it was at 152bpm. So I was concerned but not freaking out. I figured the doppler wasn't perfect and maybe it was hard to read.

Sunday morning I was still spotting. By this point I was WAY concerned. Not only is the spotting now slowing down, on top of that, the HB sounded slow. Lame.

I, of course, being the logical person I am, freaked out. I confronted C about all my worries and he felt worried about the HB being slow also. We decided that I would call the doctor on Wednesday if the spotting continued. Then maybe I'd get another ultrasound before my NT scan on the 22nd.

After our long conversation about our concerns I decided to try to find the HB again on the Doppler. I spent 30 minutes searching really low and finding nothing.

I decided to move it closer to my belly button and there it was! 160-170 bpm, sounded SO much different than what I thought I found the day before.

SUCCESS!

After that I definitely started to feel a little better.

Fetal Doppler

I ordered it last night! I'm so excited, and it should come tomorrow!



I think having had two prior losses having something like this will be such a huge piece of mind.

It will be such a relief to be able to hear the baby's heart beat whenever we are feeling anxious or nervous about what is going on in that black hole of a uterus down there.

I will update if we are able to find it Saturday!

If you are interested, I ordered the Sonoline B Ultrasound Fetal Doppler. $53 at fetaldoppler.net.

9w4d and It's still there!

Measured 9w3d, only one day off, which is fine! Heart rate was 152.

The next appointment is in 3 weeks for my NT scan.

I can't believe we've made it this far!!!