Rainbow at Midnight

When I was 14 or 15 on of my best friends, K, and I went on a trip to Alaska. It was summer, late June, I think. We traveled by ferry from Bellingham, Washington up the coast, stopping at various towns and cities along the way.

One of the places we visited along the way was a town called White Horse, it is located in the Yukon Territory in Canada. One night we stayed in this little motel along side a lake, surrounded by trees.

If you've ever been to Alaska or Northern Canada in the summer you know that the days are extremely long, only about 4 hours of darkness per  night.

On this night, K, her Dad and I went out to the lake, fishing I think, or sitting on rocks, or both. It was late, but hard to tell because you could still see the sun low on the horizon, it looked like what 6-7 in the evening should look back in the lower 48. In reality it was almost midnight. And as we sat there we both looked up to see a rainbow stretching across the sky.

It was amazing. I kept thinking, 'how many people can say they've seen a midnight rainbow?!' unheard of, and completely awesome. It is a memory I think back on quite a bit. At the time never knowing how much that would stick with me throughout the years.

So what the hell does this have to do with anything you ask?

Well, after another minor emotional outburst last night and a long talk with C. The conversation was really about coming to terms with the fact that bitterness and sadness really doesn't make our already crap situation any better. I have been falling behind at work, unable to concentrate on even simple tasks. Not necessarily because I'm constantly thinking about miscarriage or pregnancy or infertility in general...

I just have felt like I haven't had it in me to move forward.

I headed to work this morning, and there it was, right in front of me, a huge faded rainbow.

I wouldn't say I'm a huge "signs" person. But today it was different.

The rainbow, sappy as it sounds, reminded me that we do move forward. Even when times are shitty, even when things feel hopeless, or you are lost, you keep going.

The clouds made it almost impossible to see, but as I drove forward, it slowly it became more visible. It can be hard to make out the good things when everything feels so bad.  Like this rainbow, as the clouds lightened the rainbow slowly started to form into a visible shape, each color present, just as good things can become apparent over time.

It sure felt like a sign to me.

And it reminded me, yet again, of that night in the Yukon, witnessing something magical and meaningful that has stuck with me over the past 15 years. Just another sign showing me that I cannot plan on what is going to happen in life, but that if I stay open to it, keep my head up looking for it, I might just see something as simple as a rainbow, like I have, that has comforted me in times of cloudy darkness and given me a memory that is strong enough to last a lifetime.

Bridge

Well you guys, we're here.

I am 8w4d today. Baby #1 stopped growing at 8w3d and baby #2 stopped at 8w1d.

My next ultrasound is a week from today, where I should be measuring 9w4d.

This week is the pivotal point. It is completely stressful that I have to wait another week to find out if we have bridged the previous pregnancies.

I've been cramping on and off for the past couple weeks, and this week I am now at the constant "panty-check" point of paranoia, which is annoying. Holding my breath every time I pee, fearing the least favorite color in any pregnancy: red.

Shit, this part sucks.

I wonder if everything will go well next week. I wonder if it does go well if I will be able to relax a little? That would be nice....

I really need to find ways to keep myself busy, any suggestions?

Sadly, camping out on my front porch smoking cigs, drinking wine, and people watching is no longer and option ;)

Oh and, I can't tell if I'm getting a cold or if my major nose congestion is just a symptom....weird...

100th Post

Wow, this seems totally appropriate.

Almost like a sign.

This post was originally going to be called, A New Start. That is...until I saw it was the 100th and then changed the title.

Either way, I'm rambling...but how exciting!

I woke up this morning and I was happy. I spent a long time talking to C last night about all of our options, what we want to do and how to proceed. I know we are on the same page with letting go and in theory, just being surprised if it is meant to be. I feel like we cleared the air and I woke up to a new start this morning.

Issue of the day: I'm still waiting to hear back about the job I've been interviewing for over the past couple of months. I will, of course, update when I hear something, good or bad. (please let it be good, please let it be good!)

Thank you all for for being here with me the past 100 posts!!

Big Week

Now that I am over my dramatic emo moment I have a lot to focus on this week.

I interviewed last week for a job that I REALLY would love to get. I should hear back by the end of this week, one way or the other.



C and his dad are going to build a fence this weekend, between our neighbors house and ours. It will be SO nice to have something like that done. Most of the backyard projects we've been talking about for 3 years, and it seems that things are finally happening!

It will look kind of like this:




Then, finally, I finally have a doctor's appointment today.

Last week I went in to get blood drawn for, what they call a recurrent loss panel. It was about 9 vials they test for a variety of Thyroid, autoimmune, and blood clotting disorders.

They will also give me an ultrasound, my fingers are crossed that there is no scar tissue or anything requiring another procedure.

Also, the big question. Where is my period?

Oh my, another one of those days, God, I'm self centered

Honestly, I don't even like writing this post.

I feel like I should say something though.

So here goes...

1 year ago today I miscarried my first baby. I should have a 6 month old right now.

There, done, I'm sure I could dwell on it and make a big long ordeal about it and go on and on and on and on. But I don't want to. Most of those that are reading this already know the story. And if you don't, you can read it here. It was not a good day.

Here's the deal.

I feel like a big sad sack. I don't even want to talk to friends much anymore because every thing I say comes out like a freakin pity-party. Not cool.

Over the past few weeks, since miscarriage #2 I've been trying to become more zen and offer myself some much-needed change.

I updated my blog, gave it a new look, linked it to a domain name, so it is all mine, ALL mine (Bwahahahaha)

I changed my personal look, new hair color, starting my weight loss again, new nail polish, etc.

C and I have planned a getaway, plus slowly planning a larger Europe trip.

Other good things are coming soon. I'm interviewing, possibly getting a raise/promotion, and trying hard to get my school shit taken care of.

C and I are trying very hard not to focus on what we don't have (baby), and what we do have (lots of other junk).

These things are good.

I just hope people don't consider me the self-centered, egotistical, shit-bag that I feel like most of the time.

For anyone who does feel that way, well... you can sleep tight tonight, knowing that I am fully aware of these issues, and I'm working on it.

That is all.

Oh, and happy Friday :)

Scary few days and the green olive with pimento

Today I'm 9 weeks pregnant. I'm getting very close to bridging my last pregnancy.

Over the weekend I started spotting a lot of brown. I hadn't spotted at all so far, so this was very concerning. It just so happened that during the last pregnancy, the baby stopped growing at around 9 weeks. Right about now. This mixed with the spotting = scary.

I called the doc yesterday morning to let them know that I was spotting and had just started cramping. Luckily they had me come in for an ultrasound.

Oh. I can't even explain how hard it was to wait those 4 hours from when I spoke to the nurse and when the appointment was scheduled.

Agony.

C came with me, we met at home and drove to the office. Our drive consisted of talking about what happens when we find out the bad news and what to do next, and even silver linings of trying again.

It sounds negative, but anyone who has experienced a loss probably knows how it actually feels better to prep for bad news instead of pretending it will be good news. Or maybe that is just how we decided to treat it.

FINALLY we were let into the room by the tech who read my chart. She left, and a minute later the actual doctor came in and said he'd be doing it. I'm guessing it was because of my previous loss.

Doctor said he wanted to look at the images for a minute before he said anything. Luckily it was less than that and he said "look I see a heartbeat. Everything is fine."

WOW I was actually in shock, how could it be fine. I really thought it wouldn't be fine. I think C felt the same way, he was like "really?" sounding skeptical.

Then he zoomed in and we could see, a baby bigger than last time and a strong looking heartbeat.

Nice. We feel better. Not 100% but better. But better.

There was definitely fresh blood after that. And I continue to spot new and old blood. I'm trying not to worry about it. The doctor told us he, just simply, didn't know what the cause was. He did say the cervix was closed, so really I'm not super worried. It seems like the bleeding is coming from something on the outside of the uterus, and not the inside.

Relief. I, possibly, might be more pregnant than I have ever been. I'll breath easier at our next scheduled ultrasound, two weeks from today. I should be 11 weeks exactly.

Here is what baby is looking like today. Too bad I forgot to ask for a picture yesterday, otherwise I could show you what it actually looked like. Honestly I couldn't keep my eyes off that heartbeat, so I don't even remember what the body was looking like. I'll assume it looked like the image below (not the green olive) :)