One Week Later...and a little story about a crack whore's baby

Ok seriously....

I've tried to write a post everyday for 5 days and each time I save it half way through and decide not to go back.

That is how fast my mood has been changing. I can't even finish a thought. Frankly, it is amazing that I've been at work all week and, though it has been a strain, I'm getting some things done.

You thought pregnancy brain was bad...

Try miscarriage brain.

C and I have been doing ok. We are trying to work through all the emotions that come along with this. It feels so different each time. We are still also waiting on the test results. Hopefully we will get them soon enough.

Recap thoughts and feelings of the first week after loss #3...because I'm sure people really want to know the depressing details about 3 consecutive miscarriages...(though in all seriousness some people probably would like to know, so I'll continue):

Similar to the other two in the feelings of: Sadness, loss, guilt, anger, fear, frustration, bitterness.

* Different from the others in that:

* Most sense of hope is lost at this point. I cannot possibly imagine being excited about a pregnancy again. Ever. And, I also can't even picture the few minutes after delivery, you know, that part where you get to see and hold your child for the first time? Even with all that we've been through I could always picture that moment... until now.

* Doctor's quick mention of the long list of fertility assistance options is anxiety causing.

* Even though with the others we definitely had the "this isn't fair" rants and raves.

It has been taken to a whole new level of intensity.

I think I've used the example of how often crack whores get to have a successful pregnancy about 10x.

Seriously though....really...a crack whore....? I even get an awesome mental image of a 80's style hooker cradling her newborn in her dirty, bruised, heroin tracked arms. Her passed out boyfriend on the couch next to her while she is trying to stuff her emaciated boob in her child's mouth while a cigarette is hanging out of hers. And of course add the sound of Pit Bulls barking in the background as they are trying to jump over the chain link fence.

Dude, WTF? See how quickly my mind wanders?! I just went back and read that after realizing I was writing about killer dogs and fences.

I feel like I should probably delete that because it feels borderline inappropriate.

But... I'm not going to. It is how I feel.

So, sorry if you are a crack whore reading my blog right now and I offended you.

Honestly, if you are a crack whore, please go get help.

Now.

For the sake of your child...if you have one...which would be wildly unfair... so fuck you.



Ok...

well...

I guess that about sums it up.




p.s. Yay! I actually finished a post! Not my best, but I don't really care.

I found the heartbeat... but... I'm spotting

Being pregnant after any loss sucks. Just saying.

After my doctor's appointment on Thursday (internal exam, I've been spotting. It's been 4 days. FUCK!

Why me?

I'm trying not to freak out. She said it is normal after that, but it is still scary and I wish I had told her to keep her poky metal contraption and self out of my whoowhoo. Seriously. Now it feels totally unnecessary. Everything was going fine and now this.

Luckily I got the Doppler in the mail on Saturday.

I wasn't super worried about the spotting on Saturday so I went into the Doppler experiment with a cool head. And I found, what I thought was the heartbeat (HB), really fast! The only problem is, it felt way too slow. Like 134-140 bpm. We had just seen the HB on the ultrasound the other day and it was at 152bpm. So I was concerned but not freaking out. I figured the doppler wasn't perfect and maybe it was hard to read.

Sunday morning I was still spotting. By this point I was WAY concerned. Not only is the spotting now slowing down, on top of that, the HB sounded slow. Lame.

I, of course, being the logical person I am, freaked out. I confronted C about all my worries and he felt worried about the HB being slow also. We decided that I would call the doctor on Wednesday if the spotting continued. Then maybe I'd get another ultrasound before my NT scan on the 22nd.

After our long conversation about our concerns I decided to try to find the HB again on the Doppler. I spent 30 minutes searching really low and finding nothing.

I decided to move it closer to my belly button and there it was! 160-170 bpm, sounded SO much different than what I thought I found the day before.

SUCCESS!

After that I definitely started to feel a little better.

Fetal Doppler

I ordered it last night! I'm so excited, and it should come tomorrow!



I think having had two prior losses having something like this will be such a huge piece of mind.

It will be such a relief to be able to hear the baby's heart beat whenever we are feeling anxious or nervous about what is going on in that black hole of a uterus down there.

I will update if we are able to find it Saturday!

If you are interested, I ordered the Sonoline B Ultrasound Fetal Doppler. $53 at fetaldoppler.net.

9w4d and It's still there!

Measured 9w3d, only one day off, which is fine! Heart rate was 152.

The next appointment is in 3 weeks for my NT scan.

I can't believe we've made it this far!!!

Bridge

Well you guys, we're here.

I am 8w4d today. Baby #1 stopped growing at 8w3d and baby #2 stopped at 8w1d.

My next ultrasound is a week from today, where I should be measuring 9w4d.

This week is the pivotal point. It is completely stressful that I have to wait another week to find out if we have bridged the previous pregnancies.

I've been cramping on and off for the past couple weeks, and this week I am now at the constant "panty-check" point of paranoia, which is annoying. Holding my breath every time I pee, fearing the least favorite color in any pregnancy: red.

Shit, this part sucks.

I wonder if everything will go well next week. I wonder if it does go well if I will be able to relax a little? That would be nice....

I really need to find ways to keep myself busy, any suggestions?

Sadly, camping out on my front porch smoking cigs, drinking wine, and people watching is no longer and option ;)

Oh and, I can't tell if I'm getting a cold or if my major nose congestion is just a symptom....weird...

I'd like to introduce....

Baby G.... #3

Well, there is definitely a baby in there!

Heart rate was 152 (perfect) baby's growth was 7 weeks 4 days (perfect).

This is the first time we have ever had the growth rate be on target EVER.

Also the first time the HR was in the range of GOOD, not just "acceptable"

Really we couldn't have asked for better.

I will have to post a picture tomorrow (too many people at work to scan the image in).

Yay! :)

7w1d

My first ultrasound is in a few days!!!

That is all I had to say....

Sometimes I want to give up

Dear Diary,

I guess I just had a really bad weekend.

I had to miss two of my girl's events. I hate how my body/fertility issues always find a way to sneak into other parts of my life.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. I am scared that I will get bad news or have to have another procedure, or even that they will prescribe meds to force my body to start working again.

Forcing my body to do something is how I landed here in the first place, with the D&C.

My body, obviously, does whatever it wants, then punishes me for trying to push it.

All weekend, while dealing with intense pain and other awful things I just kept thinking: how can I do this all again?

Even when my period does decide to show up. Then what? Try again for another 6 months to a year? Then what? Get pregnant? Then what? Miscarry again?

Shit.

I just can't even imagine.

I want to give up.

I spend time imagining myself growing older without children.

Would I eventually learn to be ok with that?

Would C stay with me? Or run off to find some fertile broad.

I know it may sound dramatic. I don't care. These are the actual thoughts I have.

I'm willing to give it one more shot. Deal with whatever happens this time, put myself through the pain.

If I get my period, if I get pregnant again, and if I should miscarry again I don't know how I will be able to try again.

Honestly though, I guess even thinking about it now... the idea of how ridiculously long it might take to even get to the point of miscarrying again.

I mean it could be a year from now, easily.

I will have probably long forgotten this day, as this is only one of the many countless days I've thought of giving up.

I know it won't be the last.

Thanks, diary, for listening. Next time I promise for some good news, or at least a more positive attitude.

Oh my, another one of those days, God, I'm self centered

Honestly, I don't even like writing this post.

I feel like I should say something though.

So here goes...

1 year ago today I miscarried my first baby. I should have a 6 month old right now.

There, done, I'm sure I could dwell on it and make a big long ordeal about it and go on and on and on and on. But I don't want to. Most of those that are reading this already know the story. And if you don't, you can read it here. It was not a good day.

Here's the deal.

I feel like a big sad sack. I don't even want to talk to friends much anymore because every thing I say comes out like a freakin pity-party. Not cool.

Over the past few weeks, since miscarriage #2 I've been trying to become more zen and offer myself some much-needed change.

I updated my blog, gave it a new look, linked it to a domain name, so it is all mine, ALL mine (Bwahahahaha)

I changed my personal look, new hair color, starting my weight loss again, new nail polish, etc.

C and I have planned a getaway, plus slowly planning a larger Europe trip.

Other good things are coming soon. I'm interviewing, possibly getting a raise/promotion, and trying hard to get my school shit taken care of.

C and I are trying very hard not to focus on what we don't have (baby), and what we do have (lots of other junk).

These things are good.

I just hope people don't consider me the self-centered, egotistical, shit-bag that I feel like most of the time.

For anyone who does feel that way, well... you can sleep tight tonight, knowing that I am fully aware of these issues, and I'm working on it.

That is all.

Oh, and happy Friday :)