5 weeks

So, I very much regret not blogging about my pregnancy with Greyson. I think that would have been really fun to look back on. I would like to try to make up for it by doing it this time.

It's interesting having a background of mainly miscarriages how even one successful pregnancy can't really offer much in the way of happiness/joy/hope.

I am trying to be super positive. I had a good feeling when I first found out about this one. As the days progress I start to feel more and more worried that something isn't right. I hate that feeling. I really want to be wrong.

My pregnancy with Grey started out very similar to my others. I found out when I was about 4 weeks. I had minimal symptoms.

Then something different happened.

At 5 weeks to the day I started feeling seriously nauseous. I had had moments of feeling queezy with other pregnancies but NOTHING like this. This was actually really fairly debilitating all day sickness. It didn't let up until at least 12 weeks maybe more like 13. I had a rough time of it, lost 5-10lbs, was on medication, it was pretty messed up. But every time I went to the doctor for my weekly check up she would ask me how I was feeling, I would tell her still sick all the time, and she would say "aww I'm sorry, but I like to hear that because, to me, it is a good sign of a healthy pregnancy!"

Disclaimer: I KNOW that not every pregnancy is accompanied by morning sickness. But for some reason that just made me feel better to hear.

Yesterday I hit 5 weeks with this pregnancy. As much as I really hated being so sick last time, I really REALLY wanted to wake up feeling super sick.

So masochistic.

But I didn't. I mean I've been feeling gaggy on and off for a good week or so. I've been pretty damn tired, and bloated for sure. But no sickness and no sore boobs. I can't help to compare this to pregnancies that have ended in miscarriage before. They were more similar to this.

I'm trying to keep myself busy and not dwell on this. Honestly, it does help to have Grey, he is a constant reminder that I did succeed, I have my baby, though I would love to have more children, if he is all I can have I will still be grateful.

In the meantime, I'm 5w1d, I'm pregnant today, and hopefully Monday I will have good news at the ultrasound.

5 Weeks

How far along: 5 weeks
Total weight gain: 0
Maternity clothes: n/a though the bloat is kinda yuck
Stretch marks: Just the remaining ones from Mr. Grey
Sleep:What I call morning insomnia - this has happened in previous pregnancies before. I am tired so I go to sleep early, then wake up at the crack of dawn and cannot go back to sleep. soooo tired....
Best moment of this week: Taking Father's Day photos for my gift for Sunday!
Miss anything: Wine, it's only been a few days, but I'm already missing another summer of no drinking... in a row! WTF?!
Movement: n/a
Food cravings: So far I haven't had my least favorite pregnancy symptom come up, the one where nothing in the whole wide world of food sounds good. I could do without that one (although it may be the reason I didn't gain much weight last pregnancy!)
Anything making you queasy or sick: driving, raw meat
Have you started to show yet: bloat doesn't count
Gender: n/a (my gut instinct says boy!)
Labor signs: um no, little early for that.
Belly button in or out: In for the time being, it never popped out last time, only became flat.
Wedding rings on or off: Off, I haven't worn it since half way through the last pregnancy
Happy or moody most of the time: I'm worried and happy at the same time!
Looking forward to: Celebrating Cam's first father's day on Sunday!

Fetal Doppler

I ordered it last night! I'm so excited, and it should come tomorrow!



I think having had two prior losses having something like this will be such a huge piece of mind.

It will be such a relief to be able to hear the baby's heart beat whenever we are feeling anxious or nervous about what is going on in that black hole of a uterus down there.

I will update if we are able to find it Saturday!

If you are interested, I ordered the Sonoline B Ultrasound Fetal Doppler. $53 at fetaldoppler.net.

9w4d and It's still there!

Measured 9w3d, only one day off, which is fine! Heart rate was 152.

The next appointment is in 3 weeks for my NT scan.

I can't believe we've made it this far!!!

Bridge

Well you guys, we're here.

I am 8w4d today. Baby #1 stopped growing at 8w3d and baby #2 stopped at 8w1d.

My next ultrasound is a week from today, where I should be measuring 9w4d.

This week is the pivotal point. It is completely stressful that I have to wait another week to find out if we have bridged the previous pregnancies.

I've been cramping on and off for the past couple weeks, and this week I am now at the constant "panty-check" point of paranoia, which is annoying. Holding my breath every time I pee, fearing the least favorite color in any pregnancy: red.

Shit, this part sucks.

I wonder if everything will go well next week. I wonder if it does go well if I will be able to relax a little? That would be nice....

I really need to find ways to keep myself busy, any suggestions?

Sadly, camping out on my front porch smoking cigs, drinking wine, and people watching is no longer and option ;)

Oh and, I can't tell if I'm getting a cold or if my major nose congestion is just a symptom....weird...

I'd like to introduce....

Baby G.... #3

Well, there is definitely a baby in there!

Heart rate was 152 (perfect) baby's growth was 7 weeks 4 days (perfect).

This is the first time we have ever had the growth rate be on target EVER.

Also the first time the HR was in the range of GOOD, not just "acceptable"

Really we couldn't have asked for better.

I will have to post a picture tomorrow (too many people at work to scan the image in).

Yay! :)

7w1d

My first ultrasound is in a few days!!!

That is all I had to say....

Shock and Awe...someness

Surprise.

Can you believe it? I honestly never thought I would ever in my whole life be surprised by a pregnancy.

...I mean, granted, I obviously knew there was a chance, duh, no BC pills, not trying to avoid or anything.

But...C and I literally, JUST had the:

"when do you want to get serious about TTC again..?"

conversation right AFTER I ovulated (I think).

I had kinda been half-assed charting, as you can see here.

I mean, shit, I even said to him, "not sure I'm ready, or when when I'll be ready, but it will probably take so long might as well start now."

Anyway, it is unbelievably nice to be surprised.

So that was pretty much my reaction as I sat on the toilet trying not to drip pee on myself capping the test, and amazingly seeing two, yes TWO pink lines pop up almost instantly!

I pretty much forgot to stand up afterward, thinking, um...is this for real?? Then FUCK! Why didn't I pee in a cup so I could confirm with a second test?!?! Now I won't have to pee for like hours!

Not to worry, I chugged a bunch of water and bought $50.00 worth of tests to confirm again...and again....and keep for my more paranoid moments (which I can guarantee I will have).

Please refer to last time

So I guess the point of this post, if there is, in fact, a point, is that I'm freakin excited.

Last pregnancy, about at this point, I was already having some pretty serious doubts as to whether things would work out. (we all know how that story ended)

This time feels very different, kind of a combination of both the 1st and 2nd time. I'm very happy, but not naive, I'm feeling hopeful but not oblivious.

I am going to really focus on making the most of this pregnancy, stay positive, and plan ahead so I have fun things and milestones to look forward to.

I think I'll start thinking about the nursery, can't go wrong with decorating as a distraction!

Also, my first u/s is scheduled for January 19th!

Third Times a Charm...?

BEST Christmas Present EVER:

I'm Done.

I often wondered over the past 2 years when or if I would hit my breaking point. I guess I found out. I hit it today.

It started out when I went to the doctor yesterday, she had an emergency C-section and I had to reschedule for this morning. When I got home last night I thought I was going blind in one eye, everything got fuzzy, no peripheral vision. I made C drive me to the eye doctor, I was freaking out. As I sat there for an hour waiting it went away.

It was a panic attack.

On my way to the doctor this morning I had come close to deciding to be put back on birth control pills. I am so done with this. I ended up deciding against it, I'll let things happen if they are meant to.

Apparently, I am fine. I guess my "fake out" no bleeding period like things have just been my body trying to get on track. Saturday's random gush of blood was my period. According to the ultrasound I'm going to ovulate soon. Blood work is normal.

I got back in the car, ready to drive to work. I broke down. It should have been good news, but it wasn't good to me, I don't even know what it was.

Just terrible reminder that everything can be "fine" and completely not fine at the same time.

I am suffering. My relationship with C is suffering. My mind is obviously suffering.

On my reluctant drive to work, I decided I need a change.

I said my goodbyes to my forum, which have been such a great help these past 2 years. I deleted anything baby/period/fertility related from my phone and computer. I am going to give away all of my Ovulation kits, pregnancy tests and books to fellow TTC'er. Like I said, I decided not to go on birth control so I guess I'm not trying, and not preventing either.

If it happens then it happens, if not, then C and I can reassess the situation when we feel the time is right. Right now is not the right time.

I will still keep up this blog, it isn't supposed to be all fertility related anyway. I never knew that this would be what my life was about when I started this.

I hope that the posts I create going forward are more positive, happy, and stress-free.

For all of you who have followed my journey, I appreciate your support and friendship, and words of wisdom in the comments you leave.

And I thank you for being here with me and for taking the time to read my words even though they rarely tell a story of joy.

Being pregnant is scary and that is all there is to it...period.

Dear Diary,

I got confirmation on Monday from the doctor everything looks fine, except for the unexplained bleeding. On Thursday I called and asked some questions I forgot about on Monday.

When will it stop? Answer: I don't know, it may not stop for weeks.

When should I be worried? Answer: Bright red or painful cramping.

Friday, on my way home from work I suddenly got a painful cramp. Crap. I continued to rush home, ran to the bathroom, and there it was, bright red. FUCK.

I was not even out of the bathroom as I was calling the doctor. I explained the situation and based on what I described, she told me to wait it out, that it was only a little and if it continues to go to the ER, then she put me on pelvic rest until we see the u/s on Tuesday.

FUCK.

I had a major meltdown.

I really really really REALLY don't want to go through this again.

"I can't believe its happening again," I told C.

Obviously he knew that it doesn't mean the end, I know it doesn't either, but its looking all too familiar.

Flashes of last time keep running through my head.

Thoughts that are so frustrating. Why is it that everyone in life I know seems to sail through pregnancy and not only that, but get pregnant within a few months.

What is wrong with me? What is wrong with my body? Again, I know this is pessimistic, I know that there is still a 50% chance that everything is as it should be. But none of this seems normal or common.

I hate this feeling of fear and loss of hope.

I didn't want to go to sleep but I wanted yesterday to be done with so I went to bed earlier.

I woke up in the middle of the night cramping. I decided to ignore it. Emotionally drained I know physically there isn't anything I can do to stop it. I went back to sleep. I woke up in the morning cramping. It went away. I finally woke up enough to get up at 7am or so. I layed there deeply dreading that trip to the bathroom.

No one should have to dread going to the bathroom. That is so unfair.

I went. Nothing substantial to report. I decided that gravity hadn't done it's part yet. I walked around, got a coffee. I went again. Nothing substantial. Brown. No bright red.

I'm not happy, my mind is not at ease, but for right now, I'm ok.

C went out this morning to get a tree for our yard.

I wandered around the house, thinking of what to do. I don't want to be on my feet at all. I just want to sit or lay down, controlling gravity as much as possible.

I don't want to tell the friends and family that do know that I'm pregnant about this. I think it is difficult to say out loud that it might be ending again. I realize that all of them can read this, and that is ok. I like to talk about it, but really I like to write it down. It eases my anxiety. To know that I'm putting it out there, that I'm not alone.

I feel very alone.

I feel a million miles away, even when I'm talking to C. No one is in my body with me, or in my mind.

After talking to my nurse on Thursday, she said the doctor wants me to come in for weekly ultrasounds. I was beyond thrilled. Especially because I didn't ask for this, or even hint that I wanted it. I know that is not normal practice.

My next u/s is Tuesday in the afternoon. It feels so far away.

I was so shocked to see a heartbeat at the last u/s. Shocked. I wasn't even excited because I kept thinking it was a mistake, a cruel trick. By the next day though, I had even stopped worrying about the spotting because I had the reassurance that the little thing inside of me was still growing.

I have such little hope that I will get the same reassurance on Tuesday.

I think that there are many reasons for this. Obviously the main one is the spotting.

The second reason is that a year ago today I found out I was pregnant for the first time. The day before Mother's Day. It just seems so completely terribly cruel to have that day have such a different meaning for me. I thought the due date of the last one would be the last true milestone. I've now come full circle and realize that those milestones continue. It is so strange. I wonder if the last one will be the date I had the miscarriage. Or maybe I will think of more later.

This topic alone brings to me the awful realization that if I have a second miscarriage I will have a completely new set of milestones.

I don't actually think it will be that way. I think I've de-emotionalized this situation so much that I'm scared of the physical part of a m/c and worrying about how long it might take to get pregnant again. Less sadness of losing an actual child, last time was all about losing a child.

Something C said after the m/c last time has helped me through this pregnancy and recovering after the loss, I try to keep it with me as a way to remind myself of something important, he said,

The child is in spirit form, the body that is being lost is merely the vessel. This vessel wasn't the right one. When the right vessel is created then the spirit will have a place to remain.

He said it more eloquently, and made references to a ship, but still, you get the gist. I am not religious, but I deeply believe that this is true, I have to believe it, otherwise the reality is too difficult to bear.

So I guess the point of this long winded, bitch-fest, vent, depressing tale is that,

We have gone through the worst once before.

We survived, even though we thought we wouldn't.

We moved on, even though we thought we couldn't.

We've grown stronger as a couple and individually, even though we felt weak.

If we have to we know we can do it again, even though we hope with every breath in us, pray to any god there might be, wish on every star that we see, that we won't have to.

I also hope that all of this whining and crying is for nothing, and that someday this child, that is sitting with me at this very moment can grow up, read this and know how badly we wanted him or her.

To the tiny parasite inside of me:

Please be sticky, please be safe.



Thanks, Diary, for listening, you always make me feel better.

edit- for personal documentation reasons - this u/s the doctor measured the baby at 8w1d and could not get an accurate heart rate. The next u/s done at the hospital a few days later there was no change in growth, meaning the growth probably stopped within 24 hours of the one written about here.

Scary few days and the green olive with pimento

Today I'm 9 weeks pregnant. I'm getting very close to bridging my last pregnancy.

Over the weekend I started spotting a lot of brown. I hadn't spotted at all so far, so this was very concerning. It just so happened that during the last pregnancy, the baby stopped growing at around 9 weeks. Right about now. This mixed with the spotting = scary.

I called the doc yesterday morning to let them know that I was spotting and had just started cramping. Luckily they had me come in for an ultrasound.

Oh. I can't even explain how hard it was to wait those 4 hours from when I spoke to the nurse and when the appointment was scheduled.

Agony.

C came with me, we met at home and drove to the office. Our drive consisted of talking about what happens when we find out the bad news and what to do next, and even silver linings of trying again.

It sounds negative, but anyone who has experienced a loss probably knows how it actually feels better to prep for bad news instead of pretending it will be good news. Or maybe that is just how we decided to treat it.

FINALLY we were let into the room by the tech who read my chart. She left, and a minute later the actual doctor came in and said he'd be doing it. I'm guessing it was because of my previous loss.

Doctor said he wanted to look at the images for a minute before he said anything. Luckily it was less than that and he said "look I see a heartbeat. Everything is fine."

WOW I was actually in shock, how could it be fine. I really thought it wouldn't be fine. I think C felt the same way, he was like "really?" sounding skeptical.

Then he zoomed in and we could see, a baby bigger than last time and a strong looking heartbeat.

Nice. We feel better. Not 100% but better. But better.

There was definitely fresh blood after that. And I continue to spot new and old blood. I'm trying not to worry about it. The doctor told us he, just simply, didn't know what the cause was. He did say the cervix was closed, so really I'm not super worried. It seems like the bleeding is coming from something on the outside of the uterus, and not the inside.

Relief. I, possibly, might be more pregnant than I have ever been. I'll breath easier at our next scheduled ultrasound, two weeks from today. I should be 11 weeks exactly.

Here is what baby is looking like today. Too bad I forgot to ask for a picture yesterday, otherwise I could show you what it actually looked like. Honestly I couldn't keep my eyes off that heartbeat, so I don't even remember what the body was looking like. I'll assume it looked like the image below (not the green olive) :)

8 weeks!

Here we go!

7 weeks!

Here we go, 7 weeks...









Overall I feel fine. I am really bloated, but other than that, not much else!

After some consideration, I don't think I'll start blogging belly shots until after I've gotten past the 1st trimester. I don't think there will be much to see before then anyway :) I will be keeping them for myself just so I can post them all together close to the end of the pregnancy for your entertainment!

Heartbeat FOUND!

Ah.....huge sigh of relief.

The baby measured 6w3d which changed my due date to December 6th. The heart rate was 114, and they said everything looks good!

Because the baby stopped growing last time at around 9 weeks. C and I asked if we could have another ultrasound around that time so if anything went wrong we can catch it earlier this time. Surprisingly she agreed!

Now we have our next, "peace of mind" ultrasound on May 4th! At that point I should be 9w1d.

Also it was kinda cool that the tech said I O'd on the left side and showed me the corpus luteum cyst that develops after ovulation, crazy!

Nervous and Scared

That is how I feel.

Tomorrow is my first ultrasound. I'm mainly just feeling queezy. And no, its not morning sickness.

I thought I would be less worried about this part becuase last time this went just fine.

It feels like everyone around me is a little worried also. People keep bringing it up, with a certain tone. Like, its hard to describe. I think most people had never seen me upset, before the miscarriage. I think I hide my emotions well. (not like that is a good thing) But, when people were faced with, well, a depressed version of Katy, they were thrown off. I'm sure no one wants to see me like that again. I don't want that to happen again, obviously. So, I think that is what this "tone" means.

I'm not being super negative. I think there is a fine line between being negative and being realistic.

I want nothing more than for this to work out, to have a happy and healthy 9 months and be rewarded with a smiling little thing at the other end.

I guess I am just guarded. Trying to be less emotional about it, and more logical. Will this attitude help in the event of another loss....I doubt it. But its worth a try. I was extremely emotionally invested in the last pregnancy. And to lose that was indescribably terrible. So, I figure, maybe having the opposite approach isn't the worst idea, right?

Who knows, maybe I'll regret it later.

I think anyone who has experienced this type of loss probably understands what I'm babbling about. I do think it probably seems overly paranoid or jaded to those who have had no such experience.

Anyway, I guess I'm done talking about it.

I thought it would make me feel better to see it written out.

It didn't! LOL oh well.

I guess I'll just have to suck it up,

Close my eyes,

Jump,

and know that I've already proven once that I can handle the unthinkable, I can do it again if that is the universe has planned for me.

What did I do with that wonder woman logo.....ah...here it is :)





On second thought...this has made me feel better!

6 Weeks and the Magical Shower Experience

Six Weeks!!! Woo HOO! I was going to start with bloat/belly shots this week but I forgot to do it. And I'll probably feel more comfortable with that after confirming a heart beat on Friday (so I'll wait until 7 weeks).













On another, totally different topic. The past month or so my shower water has been slowing down to a trickle. The water pressure seemed to be getting worse and worse. The sink worked fine, same pressure, no change. My showers had been lasting twice as long as normal. SO frustrating.



I complained to C multiple times, and even started researching how to fix this problem. Because I'm sure my plumbing skills are probably awesome!

Yesterday he finally had enough of the pressure issue himself and decided to change the head.

OMG!


Shower-gasmic!



No words to describe how magical taking a shower was this morning. I wanted to live in there and never come out.

I ended up being forced out, due to slowly cooling water.

Note to self: increase water heater temp!

Interviewing while pregnant and the mixed feelings that go along

I'm in such an odd situation.

You know how when you are TTC forever and everyone around you says...relax...or

"just have something stressful happen in your life and you'll get pregnant"

Like finding out that you're losing your job can actually get you knocked up! HA!

hmmm....wait a second.....

Seriously though, I'm kidding. It was just a random coincidence.

But to the real issue. What the hell do I do??

I found out it could happen a couple months earlier now. By July.

I have a few options and have no clue what to do.

1) I've already started interviewing, had a couple with no calls back. Honestly though, how long can I do this? I know I won't start showing for many many weeks BUT lets say I get offered a job when I'm at like 11weeks, still not showing but it feels so dishonest. At least at this point I can always say, sorry I took the job before I knew! And it would be believable!

2)Hope that I get an offer for retention and get to stay on at my current company for a few months after close to be the wrap-up crew.

3)Hope the new company wants me? Highly unlikely but I guess possible...

4)Just wait it out and get on unemployment. Take my maternity leave early and look for a job after. <----------- this option is scary!

I suppose I should just start doing the math and see what my best option might be. Yikes.

eeek! Stressful! But..... if this is what got me knocked up....I'll take it :)

5 Weeks

Appleseed!

Now What?

I have had a hard time thinking of anything to write since my big announcement last week.

I don't have any less to say really. I think its all hard to formulate into actual words.

Excited, worried, happy, confused, trying-not-to-be-excited, excited, scared.

Lots of emotions.

My first ultrasound is scheduled in 15 days.

I feel yucky this time. Nauseous. I'm pretty sure its not morning sickness though.

I think it is just nerves.

My first reaction was complete and total relief. The next reaction was...hmmmm... how can I just get my brain to NOT think about it for the next 10 weeks?

I'm trying to stay positive.

I feel so lucky.

I feel so incredibly blessed and at the same time, absolutely scared shitless.

Because my week 4 is coming to a close, here is what baby's size is today, Poppyseed!