Three Years

I have oh so many things to say. I always do...I have so many things to say all the time that sometimes I just get stuck and don't know how to put things into words...on paper (aka blog).

I literally have a list on my phone of awesome and funny blog topics that I always mean to write about. 

I was sitting here, feeling inspired but not sure about what to say. I started thinking of all the junk in my head and the only thing that seems profound enough to say is...

It has been 3 years this week.

3 years since that fateful night that my friend announced her pregnancy. That one interesting turn of events that was probably so immeasurably exciting for her, but something that I will probably only remember from my own selfish point of view. 

The day that we decided to start trying for a baby.

I keep thinking, at this point by the time we actually have the first possibility of having a baby it will almost be 4 years. FOUR YEARS!!! That is so crazy to me. I know some people wait 10 or whatever, but for me this is a lot. More than enough years to have suffered through. 

I may have said something similar before, but I can't remember now. The other day I was talking to C, out on the porch, having a glass of wine (a normal tradition for us) and thought.....hmmmm....

Sometimes I wonder if I really want kids.

What if I don't really?

What if the reason I think I want them so bad is because I can't have them?

Then what? 

I wonder if that is what people think about me too?

C laughed, then said he had the same thoughts occasionally, and, no, I'm not crazy.

(big secret sigh of relief)


I am starting a new job next week. This came up suddenly, only within the past few weeks. Actually all since my last post. The position is a good one, a level up from where I am now, the company is good, and the super awesome bonus is they have some infertility coverage. Not a huge amount. But probably at least one round of IVF. 

I can't believe that 3 years ago, this week, I was worried I'd get pregnant the first month and that I wouldn't be ready. 

HA HA HA!!! 

And now, I'm worried, because we may only have enough for one round of IVF.

WTF.

I definitely know I've said this before...and I'm sure I'll say it again....

How the hell did I even get here!??!


Well anyway, cheers to 3 years. 

A very unfortunate anniversary.