Monday, December 31, 2012

New Year's Eve 2012

So here it is, the last day of 2012. I can't say I'll miss this year. It really hasn't been the greatest. Some things were good, but some really shitty things happened also.

I think I'll stick with last year's format for this post...because it was pretty awesome...

Major happenings in 2012 (in order of occurrence, not importance)

1.  I miscarried for the 3rd time.

2. I finally received my BA degree!

3. C's parents separated after 30+ years of marriage.

4. C lost his job.

5. I got a new job!

6. House projects: finished the closet, painted the kitchen cabinets

7. C went on 2 week, cross-country road trip!

 2013 New Year's Goals 

(Old post for reference 2012 New Years Post (this is a continued post that is added to, so some things might seem random or out of date))

1. Be more positive. - Working out OK...attempting not to be a whinny bitch ;)  I guess this is going ok. Kinda hard to judge. - struggling with this sometimes, but not doing terribly, will continue into the new year :)

2. Continue to try more new things.
- Booked trip to Europe: may or may not make it now (save explanation for a different post)
- Planning trip to Alaska
- Started hiking with C every weekend: umm didn't quite happen every weekend, BUT we do on occasion.
- Started playing tennis again (fairly regularly)
- Started golfing again (on rare occasion)
- Mountain biking
(not sure what is in store this year!)

3. Get organized! - Still In Progress-- still working on this, but SO MUCH better already!

4. Finish my degree. Obviously I have been working on this most of the past year. I know what I have to do and I am going to finish this year. - Still In Progress DONE!!!!

5. Payoff all debt. And not to air dirty laundry, but I'm thinking of making a little "pay-off-o-meter" to post here for inspiration, aka, constant reminder.   - Still In Progress - On hold due to job loss.

6. Fertility related: This is THE year I think something will happen or big decisions will be made. I haven't updated some important information in a while but I will say that I now have some infertility coverage and adoption assistance. I will be searching for an RE and moving forward with IVF and possibly adoption in 2013. (yikes!!)

7. Sell our house.  - this may be possible this year.

8. Buy a new house. - this may be possible this year

9. Make my house a home. I'm tired of being jealous of other people's houses. I want to live in a comfortable, happy, stylin' environment. Because C and I pretty much decided to stay in our current house for at least another year or two, I want to make it a better place. -In progress! - Still going well I need to post some pictures in an upcoming post.

10. Lose weight.  Via weight watchers - I WILL post my weight occasionally to hold myself accountable.
Current Weight: 166 Current weight - 159 (improvement!) Goal #1: 145 by 06/23/12 (friend's wedding) Didn't happen HA!
Goal #2:
135 145 by 10/12/12 (Europe) (Halloween!)
Goal #3:
130 by 01/01/13
Goal #4: Maintain

I've decided to go all out with this goal this year. I think as I race towards the big 3-0 birthday in April I'm growing increasingly aware of the impending doom that is "the age factor." I think if my self-esteem is fairly low now, it may only get worse as I depart from my 20's. I have, therefor, decided to go back to my original plan of weekly weigh in's...yes....WEEKLY dammit!! AND will also be coming up with a new set of weight loss related goals in the form of some statistic and photo heavy weekly post to keep me freakin accountable.

Starting tomorrow I have 128 days, to achieve the completely POSSIBLE goal of losing 30lbs.

Watch the fuck out, because here I come!!!

Monday, December 10, 2012

Three Years

I have oh so many things to say. I always do...I have so many things to say all the time that sometimes I just get stuck and don't know how to put things into words...on paper (aka blog).

I literally have a list on my phone of awesome and funny blog topics that I always mean to write about. 

I was sitting here, feeling inspired but not sure about what to say. I started thinking of all the junk in my head and the only thing that seems profound enough to say is...

It has been 3 years this week.

3 years since that fateful night that my friend announced her pregnancy. That one interesting turn of events that was probably so immeasurably exciting for her, but something that I will probably only remember from my own selfish point of view. 

The day that we decided to start trying for a baby.

I keep thinking, at this point by the time we actually have the first possibility of having a baby it will almost be 4 years. FOUR YEARS!!! That is so crazy to me. I know some people wait 10 or whatever, but for me this is a lot. More than enough years to have suffered through. 

I may have said something similar before, but I can't remember now. The other day I was talking to C, out on the porch, having a glass of wine (a normal tradition for us) and thought.....hmmmm....

Sometimes I wonder if I really want kids.

What if I don't really?

What if the reason I think I want them so bad is because I can't have them?

Then what? 

I wonder if that is what people think about me too?

C laughed, then said he had the same thoughts occasionally, and, no, I'm not crazy.

(big secret sigh of relief)

I am starting a new job next week. This came up suddenly, only within the past few weeks. Actually all since my last post. The position is a good one, a level up from where I am now, the company is good, and the super awesome bonus is they have some infertility coverage. Not a huge amount. But probably at least one round of IVF. 

I can't believe that 3 years ago, this week, I was worried I'd get pregnant the first month and that I wouldn't be ready. 

HA HA HA!!! 

And now, I'm worried, because we may only have enough for one round of IVF.


I definitely know I've said this before...and I'm sure I'll say it again....

How the hell did I even get here!??!

Well anyway, cheers to 3 years. 

A very unfortunate anniversary.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Luck? What is luck?

I may have said this before, but I'll say it again. One of the things I have learned over the past few years is to never think you have hit rock bottom. It is like some type of ominous mystical aura of the universe surrounds you and says,

Really? Are you sure you're at the bottom? Because I'm pretty sure life could fuck you a little more....

So I'm all like,

Ya Universe! You've fucked me enough!! I'm there. I'm at the bottom. Are you happy now?!?!

And the world is like,

Hmmmm.....I don't know about that....


And there it is.... another hit.

That is when I curl up a little tighter in my bigger, deeper, darker black hole.

C didn't get the job. THE job. The company he's been trying to get into for years now. He got so far into it. He had it at the tip of his fingers. The universe must have been spying and decided it needed to swoop in with yet another obstacle, aka an internal candidate. 

He has been out of work for a month now, which doesn't seem that long in the big picture, but with no end in sight it is daunting to say the least.

I'm so angry at everything. I'm angry that the internal person who was probably just bored with her job decided on the day he should have gotten a verbal offer, after the position has been open for 5 months, that she should apply.

I'm angry that she ripped away our chance at C having a job, making money, better benefits, and the chance to continue trying to build a family.

I'm angry that the recruiter made him wait and wait and wait, got his hopes up multiple times, just to deliver the worst possible news.

I'm angry at the hiring manager for not taking a chance. C would have been great. I'm angry that I can see that, but the person who mattered the most could not.

I'm angry at us for getting our hopes up, for not planning better financially, for not doing more to make good things happen for us. 

I'm angry at so many people around me for not understanding how shitty life is for us so often, and for seemingly taking all of our "bad luck" so lightly. 

I'm angry at myself for blaming people, right this moment, for issues that have nothing to do with them. Why should anyone be so emotionally invested in us that way? There is no reason. 

I'm kinda angry at this blog even. The one thing that gives me some outlet for these things when I feel I can't talk to anyone else anymore about all the shitty things that happen. 

Do you know how much it sucks to be that friend?  The one who only has bad news to share? The one, that, even when something that appears to have gone well happens, people hold their breath because they realize that the next ball is about to drop. I feel like it must suck being my friend sometimes. I wonder if people think I'm rubbing some kind of bad luck on them?

Even this post sucks.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Ode to the End of Summer

Summer is the worst time of year for me. I'm sure if I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I hate Summer.

I don't like the heat, I don't like the sun always high in the sky, burning me, getting in my eyes, making me sweaty and fat feeling.

I do like being outside for the long summer nights, but mainly I think that is just a blissful reprieve from the discomfort of heat. And frankly, my 100+ year old house doesn't even get cool enough to sleep well for about 5 months during the year.

Only 4 days until the best part of the year. Even in the sun and warmth during September you can feel the crisp breeze forming. The days getting shorter and every so often a nice crunch under your shoe as the first leaves begin to fall.

I have come to terms with the fact that my entire outlook on life is a little bit more negative during the summer. I acknowledged that my anxiety heightens and I'm a little more on edge. I even notice how my creative writing skills lack severely and my pathetically few blog posts are all that I have to show for it. And shit, you can even see how short they are, with all the things I've omitted due to my lack of interest.

I guess, with a new season, a good season approaching I should probably do the summer at least a little justice and recap on some memorable moments, though they are not happy ones....

The one telling post was about anxiety. As mentioned previously, I had some major anxiety problems this summer. It might be something I have to get used to because this is not the first time.

The summer started off with a traumatic event. C's parents, after 35+ years of marriage ended. Just 3 short months ago C's Mom announced her life would change and she would  no longer be sharing that life with her husband.  She left the house that C grew up in, the divorce papers have been served, and several lives have been forever altered because of her actions. C took it hard, I have been there for him and his Dad to the best of my abilities, having gone through this fairly recently I know how shitty the whole thing is.

(writing this down makes me realize I have never shared my own story... maybe another day)

Only a week or two later in June, after the shocking announcement we took another huge personal hit.

C was informed that his position within his company would be terminated and he was losing his job. He was given 3 months notice and a meager severance.

What a train wreck our life is sometimes.

Next week is his last week at his company. There are no concrete options for him at this point, though he worked his ass off all summer trying to land a new position.

This has been one of the most difficult things we've gone through. I, naively, never really fully understood the impact of job loss. I knew financially it sucked, and that interviewing sucks, and that it could take many months (if you are lucky) to find another job.

What I didn't know was the emotional impact it would have on the person that gets laid off. Even if you don't like the company. It is a huge blow to your self esteem, and the longer you are without a job, even if it is "only" 3 months, the worse it gets. There are so many other things it effects, vacation plans (aka our expensive ass Europe trip) all debt payoff is put on hold, no projects, not frivilous spending, limited entertainment, everything comes to a screeching halt.

At least, I feel blessed that financially we will  be ok for at least another few months. It has taken a really large toll on both of us though. We have stresses that have been piled on the past few years, this is the icing on the cake. The part where some people say "this must be rock bottom, as bad as it gets?"

I refuse to say that.

What the past few years has taught me is, just when you think it can't get worse **chime in evil laughter** it does get worse.

Life says "HERE! Here is a big fuck you! Thank you, enjoy your day."

I wanted to write about these two things many times over the past several months. I just couldn't do it. I didn't have it in me. So often I feel like a big black hole is growing inside of me, swallowing me, tiny bits at a time. For some reason admitting that things sucked, then guess what, they get worse, is kind of humiliating.

Not that I can be ashamed of any of the situations that have occurred, but, you know what? I hate being the bitter Betty, negative Nelly type. I don't like the pity, I don't like the looks of pathetic sympathy we get. It freakin pisses me off. Or even worse, those who say, "you know, it could always be worse." Or "At least you have..this or that." Don't freakin say that shit to me. You know what, I get that it could be worse, obviously, but thank you for making me feel like a big jackass when I want to bitch for a minute about how bad things do suck right now.  Sorry you don't feel like things are fucked up enough to justify a complaint.

I used to ask C "Why me!?" And his response was always, "why not you?" Damn I hate that response. I hate it because I know it is true. Why not me? Why not us? Even though, to the best of my knowledge, we haven't done anything in life to warrant such terrible Karma, why the hell not me?

So you know, and by writing this down it quite possibly will make me feel better...or maybe worse...but who knows.

4 more days until Fall, a new season, with new hopes. Maybe I'll get for realzies pregnant this season? Maybe C will find a job ten times more awesome than the one he is losing. Maybe we'll win the lottery and be able to buy a farm with goats and chickens and have a house with TWO bathrooms!?

You just never know! And on that positive super awesome note, I will leave you with some actual good things that we did this summer :)

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Sheer Willpower, I say!

Yes, I did it. 

I fucking willed my period to come.  


I didn't end up using the Provera because I knew my "cycle" would be ending soon, in theory, so I thought I'd give it another week before stuffing my body full of extra hormones. Then, every time I felt a cramp I would focus all my energy there to tell it who was boss. 
I'm pretty sure that's what did it.

Secondly, we got our test results back for Karyotyping. Both came back normal. 

So we are free to try again on our own as early as this month.

The idea of this completely freaks me out.  I went from thinking we would have to wait a year pretty much to be able to afford treatments to within a few months being able to TTC again naturally.

We've decided to try starting this month for 2 months or so, if it doesn't happen we will go back to the doctor and start Clomid to improve our chances of conceiving quicker.

So I guess.... here we go again....


Thursday, August 9, 2012

183 Days

Today marks exactly 6 months from my last D&C.

:: sigh :: 

Yesterday, C and I had a little visit with my new OB. Sadly, my previous one left the practice. However, this person happens to specialize in infertility, so I might have lucked out.

We sat in his office for about an hour going over my file. I haven't seen my file in about a year, so when he dropped it on his desk as he sat down I was shocked to see how huge it has gotten. 

:: sigh :: 

He seemed shocked at our history and said I was the youngest patient he has. After going over the file he decided that the next step would be to complete the Karyotype testing, which we had been putting off for the past few months. He said it would be unlikely that it would come back abnormal, but that obviously we should rule out a few (not good) possibilities.

More concerning, he said, was my lack of period since the D&C. He prescribed me Provera, 10mg twice a day for 5 days to induce my period. I will start that tonight. I actually really hate new meds, I am super paranoid and anxious about side effects and risks. I'm just going to suck it up and do it though, the benefits outweigh the negatives here.

Then, if my period doesn't come we'll need to bust out that handy dildo cam and see what the hell is going on in that black hole of a uterus I have. One of his concerns is something called Asherman's Syndrome. (I've linked but will not read myself to avoid anxiety :)

By the end of the consultation the doctor decided that it would be so unlikely that I would miscarry from another Triploidy baby that he wants us to try again naturally one more time before moving on to more serious fertility treatments.

I'm not exactly sure how to feel about this. 

I think I'll have to make a pro's and con's list.

:: sigh :: 

Monday, July 30, 2012

:: slinks in quiet and unnoticed ::

I know it may seem that I have fallen off the face of my blog world. 

I am still here though. 

I start to write a post about once a week and just can't seem to finish anything.

A bunch has happened but I'm feeling uninspired, and kind of depressed.

So, I decided to give mid-year update on my goals, since that was mostly written anyway, lazy I know.....



(Old post for reference New Years Post)

1. Be more positive. - Working out OK...attempting not to be a whinny bitch ;)  I guess this is going ok. Kinda hard to judge.

2. Continue to try more new things.
- Booked trip to Europe: may or may not make it now (save explanation for a different post)
- Planning trip to Alaska
- Started hiking with C every weekend: umm didn't quite happen every weekend, BUT we do on occasion.
- Started playing tennis again (3x a week!!)
- Started golfing again
- Mountain biking

3. Get organized! - Still In Progress-- still working on this!

4. Finish my degree. Obviously I have been working on this most of the past year. I know what I have to do and I am going to finish this year. - Still In Progress DONE!!!!

5. Payoff all debt. And not to air dirty laundry, but I'm thinking of making a little "pay-off-o-meter" to post here for inspiration, aka, constant reminder.   - Still In Progress - based on same reason as why we may not be going to Europe this has been put on hold. :(

6. Have this baby. Update: Seeing IF specialist at OB practice on 08/08!

7. Sell our house.
- After a few discussions we decided that with all that is going on this year, it is not the best time to do this.

8. Buy a new house.
- Same reason as above.

New Goals

6. Lose weight.  Via weight watchers - I WILL post my weight weekly occasionally to hold myself accountable.
Current Weight: 166 Current weight - 159 (improvement!)
Goal #1: 145 by 06/23/12 (friend's wedding) Didn't happen HA!
Goal #2: 135 145 by 10/12/12 (Europe) (Halloween!)
Goal #3: 130 by 01/01/13
Goal #4: Maintain

7. Make my house a home. I'm tired of being jealous of other people's houses. I want to live in a comfortable, happy, stylin' environment. Because C and I pretty much decided to stay in our current house for at least another year or two, I want to make it a better place. -In progress!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Panic Attack

There is almost no feeling I hate more in the world than a panic attack.

For me it shows up in many ways. Sometimes it is a racing heart, sometimes it feels like pulsing adrenaline, the feeling you get before you pass out, shaky, sweating, racing thoughts, trouble breathing.

The most odd part to me is how stress can cause your brain to manifest into physical symptoms.

It took me a very long time to understand and accept the fact that this can even happen. I didn't want to believe that my thoughts were actually causing me to physically feel that something was going very wrong with my body.

I started this blog because I started having panic attacks. I legitimately thought I had a serious health condition for a while. Luckily some people around me, including C, identified it. I read about them, I tried all the tricks anyone told me, breathing exercises, meditation, pinching myself, running, crying, everything. Nothing really worked.

I became so afraid of them that it started effecting most areas of my life negatively. 

Eventually I decided to seek help through therapy. I probably went weekly for almost a year. It helped.....a lot.  I had my last therapy session in late December of 2009. The same month C and I started trying for a baby.

Even through our losses, parents breaking up, grandparents dying, and all the other life crap that has been thrown our way, I had the tools I needed to keep myself from falling victim to my anxiety.

For 2 1/2 years I managed my anxiety. Of course I would have the occasional panic attack, but I could realize that it was under my control. And, frankly, it didn't happen very often.

Several weeks ago I started to feel that anxiety building again. Slowly at first, it almost could have passed as simple "nervousness" just that feeling of an adrenaline spike, the kind you get when you suddenly realize you've forgotten about something important, or when you think that car might be about to back into you so you have to act quickly. That is usually the first sign for me, then comes the butterflies. Right before you give a presentation or meet your blind date you get butterflies in your stomach. Imagine that feeling 24 hours a day....then add in the slight but constant addrenaline rush, it becomes extremely uncomfortable and exhausting very quickly.

Unfortunately it seemed to get worse very quickly. Even my "safe" times of the day, which are usually early morning and late evening, probably correlating with being tired, do not feel safe anymore.

Even this morning on the way to work, I convinced myself that I must be developing asthma or something, and that I could take a deep breath but was not getting enough oxygen.


It pisses me off.

I tell myself - "if it is ONLY happening when I am consciously thinking about it, then it is NOT real!"

Sometimes that helps, other times it doesn't.

I started seeing my therapist again this week. I can see the potential for this to spiral out of control and I do not want to back track in any way.

And once again I listed off everything...every little thing that I could possibly think of that has happened over the past 2 years.

Even she was overwhelmed by all the shit that has gone on in my world. Her saying that made me feel better instantly...just to know that I'm not over reacting to the situation. It seems more reasonable that my body would react in this way which made me relax a little.

For whatever reason today I'm stressing though. 

It is frustrating to not have an immediate reason for this. I wish I could pin-point the cause. Usually when I can identify it, the anxiety calms down, at least temporarily.

Well wish me luck that I can get through the next couple of days at work. 

Weekends are always better....

Monday, June 11, 2012

Weight Loss: Take 538 (aka Lifestyle Change)

Ok you guys. This is for realzies this time.

I mean it!

The last month or so has been very emotional for me.

I have issues.

I'm not sure exactly where they come from, maybe a combination of all the many crap things that have happened in the past couple of years. But I kind of had a breakdown. Not an ugly cry in my pajamas all day type of breakdown, but a very slowly spiraling depression about nothing type of breakdown that I decided to acknowledge.

 (disclaimer: that is not really me)

And, actually, that image is a little downplayed, the moment was really more like this:




I think I was using class, homework, volunteering, real work, house stuff, bridesmaid stuff as a way to avoid my real issues. As soon as I got my free time back, I was flooded with the disappointment with myself.

I had done extremely well on Weight Watchers a couple years ago. I lost a little over 30 pounds, over a period of 6 months or so. I've since gained all but maybe 4lbs back. It took a couple of years, but I managed to do it. 

I was originally going to make a separate blog for this "journey" but decided that was too much work, so I'm going to make it a Monday check-in type thing on this one instead.

The best part about this: my Mom is going to be my partner in crime on this epic journey to get to our more awesome selves!

 (That really is me, and my Mum!)

So, C created a nifty excel spreadsheet weight tracker graph thingy for each of us:

We also have a list of exercises and a simple menu/calorie list to go off of for at least 12 weeks.

This is gonna be good shit.

I'm officially on week 3, as of today (above you can see week zero, but that was just to get in the mindset)

Honestly, I didn't really even want to post this until I had actually stuck with it for at least a couple of weeks. I don't have a good track record with sticking to diets (especially those shared on the blogity)

So here we go!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

I'm officially....

.....a fucking college graduate....

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Elevator Ghosts

I started working at my new company about 6 months ago. Before that I hated elevators. Now I work on the 6th floor and have no choice but to embrace the elevator.

I've learned to appreciate their quick method of transporting you from one level to another.

Especially when in my 3rd week here the elevators were down and I had to haul my ass up 6 flights of stairs, almost passing out multiple times along the way. (I think I may have already told that story though)

So, from the beginning I knew there were ghosts that occupied the elevators.

I've had many opportunities to secure evidence of the ghost's "marks" if you will, but have always been unable to.

First time: I was a little shocked and concerned and didn't think to grab the camera.

Second time: I tried to get out my camera but the door opened too soon and I had to get out.

Third time: went in prepared with camera, held up to shoot picture, door opened, unsuspecting guy walks in giving me the side-eye and looking like he wanted to retreat. I put the camera down.

Fourth time: I push floor six, maintenance guy pushes 4, I knew I would have time to do it so I got out my camera, I take it out....

....the door starts to open.....

right before walking out he grabs a rag out of his pocket and.....

............wipes away the evidence!!!!!!!

My plan was foiled!!!!!!!!

Fifth time: SUCCESS!

I present to you.....

The evidence:

I'm pretty sure I can be classified as a ghost hunter now.


1. Don't be skeered of ghosts!
2. I did NOT plagiarize that photo!
3. Yes, I am procrastinating....again!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Procrastination is an Art

I have been slowly trying to grow up. AKA stop procrastinating.

I used to be SO bad. So so so bad about procrastinating.

I, like I'm sure many others like me, would wait to write a long paper, start and finish a project, complete your diorama* until the night before something was due in school.

So many nights I would spend an hour reading some book in bed, then reach over and turn out the light, snuggling into my soft pillows, close my eyes with a smile, happy as a clam.

Ah...sweet sweet slumber....



Then it came.

First came the quickened heart rate....

followed by the panic and adrenaline coursing through my veins!



That paper! (project, whatever!) When was that due!?!??!

I would ungracefully leap out of bed, usually causing some sort of terrible harm to a toe, or possibly my face (especially if tangled bedding was involved).

I would slam my fist into the light switch all while unzipping my book bag frantically.

Tearing through pages and notebooks and binders and sticky-notes.


I can't even see straight I'm so horrified at what I might find!!!

Katy....focus...calm down I say, it doesn't help.

I breath, I focus, I find what I was looking for.

Just as I feared, of course I already knew what was there. Some huge, unmanageable project/book report/presentation/etc, due the very next day.


So anyway, the next several hours are a blur of tired eyes and furious writing/constructing/singing whatever.

And I finished it, normally at some ungodly hour, then passed out for my 1-2.5 hours of sleep I could squeeze in before my alarm clock went off.

As you know, I'm back in school to finish my last class, all my super anxiety causing procrastination techniques are back in full force!

I called my prof two weeks ago and said "hey! When should I turn my paper in!?" He goes..."like two weeks, does that work?" and then I'm all like "ya! sweet! see ya then!"

Fast forward to today, T- 1 or 2 days until paper due date. I have about 7 out of my required 15-20 pages done.

And.....technically I stole about 3 pages from my previous 20 page paper I wrote on a similar subject about 4 years ago.

Though I totally just Googled that shit and found out it is called self-plagiarism....

um....go fuck yourself.....?

I'm still using it, I'll just site myself. But then am I really considered a "scholarly source"...? I'm WTF that is probably one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. Academics are stupid. They just want you to have the worst most difficult possible time trying to get the fuck out of school.

I'm pretty sure the whole point of this post was about my procrastinating. I've been doing a good job at keeping myself busy writing this, when I obviously should be focusing on the remaining 7+ pages I need to write.

This is what I have so far:

Page 1: Title Page

Page 2: Abstract

Page 3-4: brief history of things

Page 5-7: Self-Plagiarism of Social Theory from my last paper (that I did not plagiarize in any way)

Page 8-14: Nothing

Page 15: Self-Plagiarism of a conclusion from my last paper (that I did not plagiarize in any way)

Page 16: Nothing and some MORE plagiarism, apparently

 *diorama - a box type thing that you stick mini things into to make it look like a mini version of a big thing.


(Oh, and just so you know I'm not plagiarizing, I did steal this off the internet, there were a lot better ones, but this one stood out to me as extra artistic.)

BTW - Now I'm kinda paranoid about posting pictures of people's random shit I find. Am I going to get in trouble!? Maybe I should draw my own....? Eh that would take sooooo long though....I guess I'll risk it, or if it is really good I can site it...or maybe I should just put a disclaimer on the top of the site that says "I DO NO ART!" Eh....but then what about my pictures I take....hmmmm...way too complicated. 

I should really get back to work on my paper, or you know, do actual work.

Friday, May 11, 2012

167 Days

I just did the math.

It has been 167 days since I've had a period.

Technically it has been 93 days since the last D&C. And 74 days prior to that I had my last period before getting pregnant the 3rd time.

That is almost 6 months!!!!!!!!!

I feel like I should go to an MPA meeting or some shit. Kind of like AA only MPA for: Menstrual Periods Anonymous.

It would go like this:

Hi. My name is Katy.
I'm a Menstrual Period-aholic.
It has been 6 months since I last menstruated.

Then they would all chime in a dull monotone chorus:

Hiiiii Kaaaattttyyyy.

And I'd be all like:


Just writing this reminds me of how much I hate the word: Menstruate, Menstrual, Menstruating, etc.

Such a gross word.

But I don't really get the word: Period, either.

I guess it is a no win situation.

Dear Body,

You know, I really feel like I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth (whatever that means...) in all seriousness though....what's your deal?

I mean I guess I can't really get pregnant now anyway, which means there is no real reason for you to shed your lining. 

Are you mad at me?

Honestly, you have no right to be mad. 

I should be mad at you. 

I have to carry tampons and panty-liners around with me everywhere now. I feel like you could just suddenly decide at any moment that blood must be shed. It's kinda creepy.

And, frankly, I keep getting all the other symptoms that you are about to do something rash. Like bloating, acne, murderousness, and other emotions. Eh...but I guess you are trying then, I'll give you some credit.

So I'll let you slide on the "menstruation" for now. I'd rather not go another 6 months though, how about 2 weeks?

Sounds like a fair compromise to me. 

And, hun, try not to make me bring this up with you again. I hate talking to you like a child.



p.s. Also, I noticed that you keep supplying these cute little rashes inside my elbows. It's kinda gross and itchy, and my self medication didn't help it.

Can you please stop? 

mmmmkay....that'd be great....thanks.

I thought I'd include this awesome visual for you which really has minimal to do with what I was talking about.

Word of advice:

If your body looks like the diagram in image #1 I would seek medical attention.


Thursday, May 10, 2012

My New Love: Canon EF 50mm (portrait lens)

I  think I forgot to mention that it was my birthday a couple weeks ago....oops.

(the big two nine btw! eeek!)

I think I also forgot to mention it was my Blog's birthday a few weeks ago!! Awwww she turned 2!

Anyway, this, my dears, is my new love, given to me by C, for my birthday.  (thanks!)

Unfortunately I haven't uploaded any of the fabulous test photos yet, but rest assured, they are magical.

With this little baby, I can take wedding style portrait shots that would make your mouth water!

(my obsession is borderline unhealthy?...agreed)

I'll upload some shots next week, so you can see the magical-fabulous-awesomeness for yourself! 

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

CaKe DaY....update

Without further adieu...

It looks a little melty there, but you get the idea....

Thanks to some lovely neighbor girls who saved my ass so much by sitting with me for hours making all those little fondant pieces!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

CaKe DaY!!!!!!!!!!

Today I'm baking the cakes, tomorrow is the frosting and fondant accoutrements.

---- if you're confused, please see previous post  ----

I'm scared.

Hold me.

:: wraps arms around self rocking slowly back and forth...eyes glazed over in fear ::

Friday, April 27, 2012

Cake Baking 101: Fondant Disaster!

One of my close friends is getting married in June.

I am one of the bridesmaids in her wedding. We have been furiously planning the shower and bachelorette party, to come come in the next few weeks.

She asked me to bake the bridal shower cake, enough to serve 40-50 people.

:: cue freak out ::

For the past couple of years I've been attempting to make cool looking cakes, two and three tiers I must look like a cake master.

Soooooo not the case.

I usually did it half-assed, even using boxed cake mix to save time.


Anyway, obviously for this occasion I want to do it right. I decided to contract MIL for cake baking expertise (she owned a bakery).

Because E, my friend, wanted a Topsy-Turvy style cake for her Mad Hatter bridal shower I  knew we needed a trial run, neither MIL nor I had ventured on something so extreme in cake baking.

Here is what I pictured it would look like:

(cue angelic music)

What actually happened was MUCH

Everything started ok...

 (cutting straws for supports)

(stacking two layers, I'll do three for the real one)


Wait for it.....

Wait for it.....

Wait for it.....





Me thinks no.

:: regains composure ::

In order to get that swell angle we stacked cake pieces, cut diagonally placed them on the edge and then proceeded to ruin everything with fondant.

I decided that I might need to start out a little bit slower. As much as I would love to give her a fabulous fondant, smooth as a baby's ass cake. I think that might have to wait until I'm a little more skilled.

Instead I started researching and found that there are actually techniques that create the illusion of fondant with a normal butter cream frosting.

I was supposed to take the cake home and share with the neighbors. Instead I decided to keep it in the fridge and fuck with it. Test more stuff and see if I could improve it.

I dismantled it, even the funky angled pieces, then I re-frosted it. The end result was less than spectacular, but it was a shitload better than the first attempt. I ended up adding some decor for fun, but really this is nothing what it will look like. I also didn't get a great picture. I basically just tried my faux-fondant technique.

(It is pinkish because the red fondant I had on the bottom tier stained the white crumb coat and it is all lopsided because I had to massacre it by cutting off the chunks we stuck on to create the tilty effects)

So basically it still turned out kind of crap looking. But whatevs. I can only cross my fingers and hope for the best on my next attempt. Which is the real thing. Which is next weekend.

I'll post an update on how that goes.....

.......unless the bride murders me for ruining her shower.......