Friday, May 29, 2015

Super Crazy Fitness Freak

Just about a month ago I decided that I wanted to get my shit together and workout. Probably had something to do with the fact that I turned 32 a couple of days before that.... just sayin'.

I have worked out Monday through Friday every day except maybe two, because of a holiday. I started a detox tea cleanse thing. I have been tracking all of my calories, fairly religiously, in My Fitness Pal.

I haven't seen any results yet, but I'm sure it will happen. I think it is more about a lifestyle change than anything else.

Interestingly I used to HATE when people said, "think of it as a lifestyle change". Fuck you.

With my recent pregnancy loss I think it really just fueled the fire even more. I guess I figure if I can't be pregnant I might as well work my ass off trying to get my body back before I fuck it up again with the next pregnancy (hopefully FINGERS crossed sooner rather than later!!)

Previously I started a weekly weight loss check in. I was even boring myself with that one. This time I think I will just post on it occasionally if I feel like it, or if I made some kind of awesome progress or milestone.

I will start out that my goals are not necessarily about weight loss specifically this time anyway. It is more about feeling good in my body, feeling like I'm doing my part to keep it happy, eating right, working out, limiting intake of bad things (booze!), etc.

A couple of things about me.

1. I'm SUPER competitive - I am trying really hard to NOT be that way with this, frankly, trying hard not to be that way as much in general. It is stressful and stupid in most situations.

2. I'm VERY controlling. It is such an evil evil weird and creepy habit. The more I think about myself being this way the more I dislike myself. I really don't want to be this way. It is also extremely stressful and stupid, and pointless. They kind of go hand in hand.

I decided that those two characteristics about me are things I need to shill the fuck out on. For some reason I feel that channeling those two nasty traits into getting my healthy awesomeness on is a much better way for them to come out. I can control what I eat, how hard I workout, what I do to help get myself in shape. And I can compete with myself. Aaaaaannnnnnd problem solved. BOOM.

Let's see how that works out for me.

Brief overview of my goals (these are flexible (must ... not.... control....things)

1. Lose weight - probably about 30 to be back in a healthy BMI *notice I did not say to look good in a bathing suit*

2. Gain strength - this time around I'm focusing a lot on strength training, some cardio, and calories. I want to have some muscle definition

3. Eat clean - I will not obsess about everything being organic, I will not waste all of my money at Whole Foods, but I will attempt to eat as clean and fresh as possible, fulling knowing that I will not always be perfect in this area.

4. Improve self esteem - this possibly should have been #1 but whatevs

And that is pretty much it. If my tea clense works out I'll post about it.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Chemical Pregnancy

I started bleeding today.

Doc still wants me to come in for a repeat beta, this seems pointless but I won't argue.

It is very interesting how sad a loss can be, even though I've only known about it for 6 days. 

Back to the drawing board.


Update on this, I had to go in for two more blood draws until my beta was down to zero. I had to get the Rhogam shot. I felt pretty sad for a couple of weeks. I'm happy to have my son, but it doesn't help the pain from losing a pregnancy. I will say though, I am happy that it happened so early and wasn't weeks of stress and trying to be hopeful.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Beta Results

Were not good.

HSG was 12.5 - they would be looking for over 40.
Progesterone level was only 1.93 - they would be looking for over 10.

They want me to come in tomorrow for a repeat just to make sure, I'm not hopeful though.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

So much pee, so many sticks

I know this is crazy.

I'm not feeling really great about this pregnancy.

I feel like the lines SHOULD be getting darker.

I also feel like I'm being slightly irrational about it too. Like, who cares, "a line is a line" right?


I WANT to be really positive about this.

I sent a note to my doctor explaining the situation, I realized this morning that I'm RH - so I may need a Rogam shot if this doesn't work out. I'm not sure though, if you do need one for a chemical pregnancy. We'll see. Secretly I hope she is very positive about it and wants me to schedule an ultrasound in a couple of weeks.

We'll see.

I'm trying to be logical and wait until Friday to test again, at that point my period may have even come by then. Or maybe not. And maybe there will still be a line. Or maybe not.

Sigh. We'll just have to wait and see....

Monday, May 11, 2015

Pregnancy #5


I cannot believe this is even happening.

Cameron and I started trying way before we probably would have gotten the ok from my doctor. About 3 months postpartum. April was the first month that I actually focused on timing. So imagine my shock a few days ago when this happened:

I couldn't have been more than 9-10 dpo (days past ovulation).

I've tested each day since Friday. Obviously with my history I am already VERY cautious. Then my lines aren't as dark as they have been with any of my previous pregnancies. It also was frustratingly lighter this morning than it was yesterday morning.

So needless to say I was feeling a little down about it this morning. I'm going to continue to pee on ALL the things until I feel satisfied though.

More to come!