Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Ode to the End of Summer

Summer is the worst time of year for me. I'm sure if I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I hate Summer.

I don't like the heat, I don't like the sun always high in the sky, burning me, getting in my eyes, making me sweaty and fat feeling.

I do like being outside for the long summer nights, but mainly I think that is just a blissful reprieve from the discomfort of heat. And frankly, my 100+ year old house doesn't even get cool enough to sleep well for about 5 months during the year.

Only 4 days until the best part of the year. Even in the sun and warmth during September you can feel the crisp breeze forming. The days getting shorter and every so often a nice crunch under your shoe as the first leaves begin to fall.

I have come to terms with the fact that my entire outlook on life is a little bit more negative during the summer. I acknowledged that my anxiety heightens and I'm a little more on edge. I even notice how my creative writing skills lack severely and my pathetically few blog posts are all that I have to show for it. And shit, you can even see how short they are, with all the things I've omitted due to my lack of interest.

I guess, with a new season, a good season approaching I should probably do the summer at least a little justice and recap on some memorable moments, though they are not happy ones....

The one telling post was about anxiety. As mentioned previously, I had some major anxiety problems this summer. It might be something I have to get used to because this is not the first time.

The summer started off with a traumatic event. C's parents, after 35+ years of marriage ended. Just 3 short months ago C's Mom announced her life would change and she would  no longer be sharing that life with her husband.  She left the house that C grew up in, the divorce papers have been served, and several lives have been forever altered because of her actions. C took it hard, I have been there for him and his Dad to the best of my abilities, having gone through this fairly recently I know how shitty the whole thing is.

(writing this down makes me realize I have never shared my own story... maybe another day)

Only a week or two later in June, after the shocking announcement we took another huge personal hit.

C was informed that his position within his company would be terminated and he was losing his job. He was given 3 months notice and a meager severance.

What a train wreck our life is sometimes.

Next week is his last week at his company. There are no concrete options for him at this point, though he worked his ass off all summer trying to land a new position.

This has been one of the most difficult things we've gone through. I, naively, never really fully understood the impact of job loss. I knew financially it sucked, and that interviewing sucks, and that it could take many months (if you are lucky) to find another job.

What I didn't know was the emotional impact it would have on the person that gets laid off. Even if you don't like the company. It is a huge blow to your self esteem, and the longer you are without a job, even if it is "only" 3 months, the worse it gets. There are so many other things it effects, vacation plans (aka our expensive ass Europe trip) all debt payoff is put on hold, no projects, not frivilous spending, limited entertainment, everything comes to a screeching halt.

At least, I feel blessed that financially we will  be ok for at least another few months. It has taken a really large toll on both of us though. We have stresses that have been piled on the past few years, this is the icing on the cake. The part where some people say "this must be rock bottom, as bad as it gets?"

I refuse to say that.

What the past few years has taught me is, just when you think it can't get worse **chime in evil laughter** it does get worse.

Life says "HERE! Here is a big fuck you! Thank you, enjoy your day."

I wanted to write about these two things many times over the past several months. I just couldn't do it. I didn't have it in me. So often I feel like a big black hole is growing inside of me, swallowing me, tiny bits at a time. For some reason admitting that things sucked, then guess what, they get worse, is kind of humiliating.

Not that I can be ashamed of any of the situations that have occurred, but, you know what? I hate being the bitter Betty, negative Nelly type. I don't like the pity, I don't like the looks of pathetic sympathy we get. It freakin pisses me off. Or even worse, those who say, "you know, it could always be worse." Or "At least you have..this or that." Don't freakin say that shit to me. You know what, I get that it could be worse, obviously, but thank you for making me feel like a big jackass when I want to bitch for a minute about how bad things do suck right now.  Sorry you don't feel like things are fucked up enough to justify a complaint.

I used to ask C "Why me!?" And his response was always, "why not you?" Damn I hate that response. I hate it because I know it is true. Why not me? Why not us? Even though, to the best of my knowledge, we haven't done anything in life to warrant such terrible Karma, why the hell not me?

So you know, and by writing this down it quite possibly will make me feel better...or maybe worse...but who knows.

4 more days until Fall, a new season, with new hopes. Maybe I'll get for realzies pregnant this season? Maybe C will find a job ten times more awesome than the one he is losing. Maybe we'll win the lottery and be able to buy a farm with goats and chickens and have a house with TWO bathrooms!?

You just never know! And on that positive super awesome note, I will leave you with some actual good things that we did this summer :)