5 weeks

So, I very much regret not blogging about my pregnancy with Greyson. I think that would have been really fun to look back on. I would like to try to make up for it by doing it this time.

It's interesting having a background of mainly miscarriages how even one successful pregnancy can't really offer much in the way of happiness/joy/hope.

I am trying to be super positive. I had a good feeling when I first found out about this one. As the days progress I start to feel more and more worried that something isn't right. I hate that feeling. I really want to be wrong.

My pregnancy with Grey started out very similar to my others. I found out when I was about 4 weeks. I had minimal symptoms.

Then something different happened.

At 5 weeks to the day I started feeling seriously nauseous. I had had moments of feeling queezy with other pregnancies but NOTHING like this. This was actually really fairly debilitating all day sickness. It didn't let up until at least 12 weeks maybe more like 13. I had a rough time of it, lost 5-10lbs, was on medication, it was pretty messed up. But every time I went to the doctor for my weekly check up she would ask me how I was feeling, I would tell her still sick all the time, and she would say "aww I'm sorry, but I like to hear that because, to me, it is a good sign of a healthy pregnancy!"

Disclaimer: I KNOW that not every pregnancy is accompanied by morning sickness. But for some reason that just made me feel better to hear.

Yesterday I hit 5 weeks with this pregnancy. As much as I really hated being so sick last time, I really REALLY wanted to wake up feeling super sick.

So masochistic.

But I didn't. I mean I've been feeling gaggy on and off for a good week or so. I've been pretty damn tired, and bloated for sure. But no sickness and no sore boobs. I can't help to compare this to pregnancies that have ended in miscarriage before. They were more similar to this.

I'm trying to keep myself busy and not dwell on this. Honestly, it does help to have Grey, he is a constant reminder that I did succeed, I have my baby, though I would love to have more children, if he is all I can have I will still be grateful.

In the meantime, I'm 5w1d, I'm pregnant today, and hopefully Monday I will have good news at the ultrasound.

5 Weeks

How far along: 5 weeks
Total weight gain: 0
Maternity clothes: n/a though the bloat is kinda yuck
Stretch marks: Just the remaining ones from Mr. Grey
Sleep:What I call morning insomnia - this has happened in previous pregnancies before. I am tired so I go to sleep early, then wake up at the crack of dawn and cannot go back to sleep. soooo tired....
Best moment of this week: Taking Father's Day photos for my gift for Sunday!
Miss anything: Wine, it's only been a few days, but I'm already missing another summer of no drinking... in a row! WTF?!
Movement: n/a
Food cravings: So far I haven't had my least favorite pregnancy symptom come up, the one where nothing in the whole wide world of food sounds good. I could do without that one (although it may be the reason I didn't gain much weight last pregnancy!)
Anything making you queasy or sick: driving, raw meat
Have you started to show yet: bloat doesn't count
Gender: n/a (my gut instinct says boy!)
Labor signs: um no, little early for that.
Belly button in or out: In for the time being, it never popped out last time, only became flat.
Wedding rings on or off: Off, I haven't worn it since half way through the last pregnancy
Happy or moody most of the time: I'm worried and happy at the same time!
Looking forward to: Celebrating Cam's first father's day on Sunday!

One Week Later...and a little story about a crack whore's baby

Ok seriously....

I've tried to write a post everyday for 5 days and each time I save it half way through and decide not to go back.

That is how fast my mood has been changing. I can't even finish a thought. Frankly, it is amazing that I've been at work all week and, though it has been a strain, I'm getting some things done.

You thought pregnancy brain was bad...

Try miscarriage brain.

C and I have been doing ok. We are trying to work through all the emotions that come along with this. It feels so different each time. We are still also waiting on the test results. Hopefully we will get them soon enough.

Recap thoughts and feelings of the first week after loss #3...because I'm sure people really want to know the depressing details about 3 consecutive miscarriages...(though in all seriousness some people probably would like to know, so I'll continue):

Similar to the other two in the feelings of: Sadness, loss, guilt, anger, fear, frustration, bitterness.

* Different from the others in that:

* Most sense of hope is lost at this point. I cannot possibly imagine being excited about a pregnancy again. Ever. And, I also can't even picture the few minutes after delivery, you know, that part where you get to see and hold your child for the first time? Even with all that we've been through I could always picture that moment... until now.

* Doctor's quick mention of the long list of fertility assistance options is anxiety causing.

* Even though with the others we definitely had the "this isn't fair" rants and raves.

It has been taken to a whole new level of intensity.

I think I've used the example of how often crack whores get to have a successful pregnancy about 10x.

Seriously though....really...a crack whore....? I even get an awesome mental image of a 80's style hooker cradling her newborn in her dirty, bruised, heroin tracked arms. Her passed out boyfriend on the couch next to her while she is trying to stuff her emaciated boob in her child's mouth while a cigarette is hanging out of hers. And of course add the sound of Pit Bulls barking in the background as they are trying to jump over the chain link fence.

Dude, WTF? See how quickly my mind wanders?! I just went back and read that after realizing I was writing about killer dogs and fences.

I feel like I should probably delete that because it feels borderline inappropriate.

But... I'm not going to. It is how I feel.

So, sorry if you are a crack whore reading my blog right now and I offended you.

Honestly, if you are a crack whore, please go get help.

Now.

For the sake of your child...if you have one...which would be wildly unfair... so fuck you.



Ok...

well...

I guess that about sums it up.




p.s. Yay! I actually finished a post! Not my best, but I don't really care.

I found the heartbeat... but... I'm spotting

Being pregnant after any loss sucks. Just saying.

After my doctor's appointment on Thursday (internal exam, I've been spotting. It's been 4 days. FUCK!

Why me?

I'm trying not to freak out. She said it is normal after that, but it is still scary and I wish I had told her to keep her poky metal contraption and self out of my whoowhoo. Seriously. Now it feels totally unnecessary. Everything was going fine and now this.

Luckily I got the Doppler in the mail on Saturday.

I wasn't super worried about the spotting on Saturday so I went into the Doppler experiment with a cool head. And I found, what I thought was the heartbeat (HB), really fast! The only problem is, it felt way too slow. Like 134-140 bpm. We had just seen the HB on the ultrasound the other day and it was at 152bpm. So I was concerned but not freaking out. I figured the doppler wasn't perfect and maybe it was hard to read.

Sunday morning I was still spotting. By this point I was WAY concerned. Not only is the spotting now slowing down, on top of that, the HB sounded slow. Lame.

I, of course, being the logical person I am, freaked out. I confronted C about all my worries and he felt worried about the HB being slow also. We decided that I would call the doctor on Wednesday if the spotting continued. Then maybe I'd get another ultrasound before my NT scan on the 22nd.

After our long conversation about our concerns I decided to try to find the HB again on the Doppler. I spent 30 minutes searching really low and finding nothing.

I decided to move it closer to my belly button and there it was! 160-170 bpm, sounded SO much different than what I thought I found the day before.

SUCCESS!

After that I definitely started to feel a little better.

Self Help - Enneagram Personality Type

I believe that this post more or less ties back to the New Years "goals" I had come up with.

Either way, I feel like this deserves it's own post.. and .. .cuz I can.

I may have mentioned previously my love of therapy.

If you haven't tried it, it's great, highly recommended for any mental ailment, even if it seems like something very simple.

Within the past couple weeks I have decided that some major changes need to happen. I think the freeway "breakthrough" really emphasized that for me.

My top personal, self help, goals:

1. Develop my own sense of identity

2. Work on the strengths of my personality that I have lost over the years
a. Timeliness
b. Organization
c. Independence
d. Follow through

3. Overcoming perceived fears


I was introduced to something called Enneagram Personality Type



This is by far, is the coolest, and most creepily correct, personality test I've ever done.

I was in absolute shock at how accurate the descriptions (both good and bad) are of me. It is crazy! (I'm a type 9 btw)

The best part is that I can easily identify all of the negative personality traits that I need/want to work on.

Click here to take the test (I know you will find it interesting)


After you figure out your personality number you can read in-depth info on it, and how you and your partner are together if you know their type. The doc says there is a book with much more information, I will probably pick it up from Barnes & Noble next time I have a chance.


So if anyone actually takes the test, please post a comment and let me know what you thought, I find it so interesting, I am very curious if others find that theirs is a match also.

Enjoy!

Freeway to a Better Me

I know in the past I have written a lot more about my anxieties. I haven't brought it up in a while.

Basically, I live in a big state of denial most of the time.

Cameron and I started back in counseling to work out some issues a few weeks ago. (nothing crazy)

(I love therapy btw, a huge promoter of self-improvement and emotional health)

So, one of the big issues that came up was the fact that I have not really conquered my anxiety of driving on the freeway. It has been at least 2 years since I have been on the freeway longer than a mile or so. ::insert shame face here::

I have been really thinking hard about things that I want to change about myself, things to make me a happier person. The anxiety has been a hugely embarrassing issue for me. And, frankly, the freeway is just faster for the most part.

So after dwelling on it and having nightmares (literally) for the past week, I decided today was the day to change.

And...I did it.



I finally got on the freeway. Not just once, and not just for one mile. But several times, and I went normal distances, to actually get places.

I literally started crying when I pulled on, it is beyond emotional to finally do something that I have wanted to do and overcome this fear that has been lingering for years.

I know that it will still take time and effort, continually working on this to get better.

But, today was a good day, and I'm going to take it for what it is.

A huge step in the right direction.

:)

I'm Done.

I often wondered over the past 2 years when or if I would hit my breaking point. I guess I found out. I hit it today.

It started out when I went to the doctor yesterday, she had an emergency C-section and I had to reschedule for this morning. When I got home last night I thought I was going blind in one eye, everything got fuzzy, no peripheral vision. I made C drive me to the eye doctor, I was freaking out. As I sat there for an hour waiting it went away.

It was a panic attack.

On my way to the doctor this morning I had come close to deciding to be put back on birth control pills. I am so done with this. I ended up deciding against it, I'll let things happen if they are meant to.

Apparently, I am fine. I guess my "fake out" no bleeding period like things have just been my body trying to get on track. Saturday's random gush of blood was my period. According to the ultrasound I'm going to ovulate soon. Blood work is normal.

I got back in the car, ready to drive to work. I broke down. It should have been good news, but it wasn't good to me, I don't even know what it was.

Just terrible reminder that everything can be "fine" and completely not fine at the same time.

I am suffering. My relationship with C is suffering. My mind is obviously suffering.

On my reluctant drive to work, I decided I need a change.

I said my goodbyes to my forum, which have been such a great help these past 2 years. I deleted anything baby/period/fertility related from my phone and computer. I am going to give away all of my Ovulation kits, pregnancy tests and books to fellow TTC'er. Like I said, I decided not to go on birth control so I guess I'm not trying, and not preventing either.

If it happens then it happens, if not, then C and I can reassess the situation when we feel the time is right. Right now is not the right time.

I will still keep up this blog, it isn't supposed to be all fertility related anyway. I never knew that this would be what my life was about when I started this.

I hope that the posts I create going forward are more positive, happy, and stress-free.

For all of you who have followed my journey, I appreciate your support and friendship, and words of wisdom in the comments you leave.

And I thank you for being here with me and for taking the time to read my words even though they rarely tell a story of joy.

Big Week

Now that I am over my dramatic emo moment I have a lot to focus on this week.

I interviewed last week for a job that I REALLY would love to get. I should hear back by the end of this week, one way or the other.



C and his dad are going to build a fence this weekend, between our neighbors house and ours. It will be SO nice to have something like that done. Most of the backyard projects we've been talking about for 3 years, and it seems that things are finally happening!

It will look kind of like this:




Then, finally, I finally have a doctor's appointment today.

Last week I went in to get blood drawn for, what they call a recurrent loss panel. It was about 9 vials they test for a variety of Thyroid, autoimmune, and blood clotting disorders.

They will also give me an ultrasound, my fingers are crossed that there is no scar tissue or anything requiring another procedure.

Also, the big question. Where is my period?

Sometimes I want to give up

Dear Diary,

I guess I just had a really bad weekend.

I had to miss two of my girl's events. I hate how my body/fertility issues always find a way to sneak into other parts of my life.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. I am scared that I will get bad news or have to have another procedure, or even that they will prescribe meds to force my body to start working again.

Forcing my body to do something is how I landed here in the first place, with the D&C.

My body, obviously, does whatever it wants, then punishes me for trying to push it.

All weekend, while dealing with intense pain and other awful things I just kept thinking: how can I do this all again?

Even when my period does decide to show up. Then what? Try again for another 6 months to a year? Then what? Get pregnant? Then what? Miscarry again?

Shit.

I just can't even imagine.

I want to give up.

I spend time imagining myself growing older without children.

Would I eventually learn to be ok with that?

Would C stay with me? Or run off to find some fertile broad.

I know it may sound dramatic. I don't care. These are the actual thoughts I have.

I'm willing to give it one more shot. Deal with whatever happens this time, put myself through the pain.

If I get my period, if I get pregnant again, and if I should miscarry again I don't know how I will be able to try again.

Honestly though, I guess even thinking about it now... the idea of how ridiculously long it might take to even get to the point of miscarrying again.

I mean it could be a year from now, easily.

I will have probably long forgotten this day, as this is only one of the many countless days I've thought of giving up.

I know it won't be the last.

Thanks, diary, for listening. Next time I promise for some good news, or at least a more positive attitude.

Now What?

I have had a hard time thinking of anything to write since my big announcement last week.

I don't have any less to say really. I think its all hard to formulate into actual words.

Excited, worried, happy, confused, trying-not-to-be-excited, excited, scared.

Lots of emotions.

My first ultrasound is scheduled in 15 days.

I feel yucky this time. Nauseous. I'm pretty sure its not morning sickness though.

I think it is just nerves.

My first reaction was complete and total relief. The next reaction was...hmmmm... how can I just get my brain to NOT think about it for the next 10 weeks?

I'm trying to stay positive.

I feel so lucky.

I feel so incredibly blessed and at the same time, absolutely scared shitless.

Because my week 4 is coming to a close, here is what baby's size is today, Poppyseed!