One Week Later...and a little story about a crack whore's baby

Ok seriously....

I've tried to write a post everyday for 5 days and each time I save it half way through and decide not to go back.

That is how fast my mood has been changing. I can't even finish a thought. Frankly, it is amazing that I've been at work all week and, though it has been a strain, I'm getting some things done.

You thought pregnancy brain was bad...

Try miscarriage brain.

C and I have been doing ok. We are trying to work through all the emotions that come along with this. It feels so different each time. We are still also waiting on the test results. Hopefully we will get them soon enough.

Recap thoughts and feelings of the first week after loss #3...because I'm sure people really want to know the depressing details about 3 consecutive miscarriages...(though in all seriousness some people probably would like to know, so I'll continue):

Similar to the other two in the feelings of: Sadness, loss, guilt, anger, fear, frustration, bitterness.

* Different from the others in that:

* Most sense of hope is lost at this point. I cannot possibly imagine being excited about a pregnancy again. Ever. And, I also can't even picture the few minutes after delivery, you know, that part where you get to see and hold your child for the first time? Even with all that we've been through I could always picture that moment... until now.

* Doctor's quick mention of the long list of fertility assistance options is anxiety causing.

* Even though with the others we definitely had the "this isn't fair" rants and raves.

It has been taken to a whole new level of intensity.

I think I've used the example of how often crack whores get to have a successful pregnancy about 10x.

Seriously though....really...a crack whore....? I even get an awesome mental image of a 80's style hooker cradling her newborn in her dirty, bruised, heroin tracked arms. Her passed out boyfriend on the couch next to her while she is trying to stuff her emaciated boob in her child's mouth while a cigarette is hanging out of hers. And of course add the sound of Pit Bulls barking in the background as they are trying to jump over the chain link fence.

Dude, WTF? See how quickly my mind wanders?! I just went back and read that after realizing I was writing about killer dogs and fences.

I feel like I should probably delete that because it feels borderline inappropriate.

But... I'm not going to. It is how I feel.

So, sorry if you are a crack whore reading my blog right now and I offended you.

Honestly, if you are a crack whore, please go get help.

Now.

For the sake of your child...if you have one...which would be wildly unfair... so fuck you.



Ok...

well...

I guess that about sums it up.




p.s. Yay! I actually finished a post! Not my best, but I don't really care.