Conoslation Prize

Gee, thanks for trying...come again sometime!

LOL I wish right.

No, a pregnancy loss does not win you any prizes.

C and I create our own prizes.

I just booked our first BIG trip.

Infertility/Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (aka IF or RPL...because I'm not writing that again) anyway...neither of those will get me down!

We will be packing our fancy cam, birth control pills, and a rain coat for our trip to Europe in October!

We are flying into London and going to try to hit up Paris, Luxembourg, Dusseldorf, Brussels, and Amsterdam!

Totally excited!

Silver lining #15 - no kids = more travel time and money!

I'm Done.

I often wondered over the past 2 years when or if I would hit my breaking point. I guess I found out. I hit it today.

It started out when I went to the doctor yesterday, she had an emergency C-section and I had to reschedule for this morning. When I got home last night I thought I was going blind in one eye, everything got fuzzy, no peripheral vision. I made C drive me to the eye doctor, I was freaking out. As I sat there for an hour waiting it went away.

It was a panic attack.

On my way to the doctor this morning I had come close to deciding to be put back on birth control pills. I am so done with this. I ended up deciding against it, I'll let things happen if they are meant to.

Apparently, I am fine. I guess my "fake out" no bleeding period like things have just been my body trying to get on track. Saturday's random gush of blood was my period. According to the ultrasound I'm going to ovulate soon. Blood work is normal.

I got back in the car, ready to drive to work. I broke down. It should have been good news, but it wasn't good to me, I don't even know what it was.

Just terrible reminder that everything can be "fine" and completely not fine at the same time.

I am suffering. My relationship with C is suffering. My mind is obviously suffering.

On my reluctant drive to work, I decided I need a change.

I said my goodbyes to my forum, which have been such a great help these past 2 years. I deleted anything baby/period/fertility related from my phone and computer. I am going to give away all of my Ovulation kits, pregnancy tests and books to fellow TTC'er. Like I said, I decided not to go on birth control so I guess I'm not trying, and not preventing either.

If it happens then it happens, if not, then C and I can reassess the situation when we feel the time is right. Right now is not the right time.

I will still keep up this blog, it isn't supposed to be all fertility related anyway. I never knew that this would be what my life was about when I started this.

I hope that the posts I create going forward are more positive, happy, and stress-free.

For all of you who have followed my journey, I appreciate your support and friendship, and words of wisdom in the comments you leave.

And I thank you for being here with me and for taking the time to read my words even though they rarely tell a story of joy.

Big Week

Now that I am over my dramatic emo moment I have a lot to focus on this week.

I interviewed last week for a job that I REALLY would love to get. I should hear back by the end of this week, one way or the other.



C and his dad are going to build a fence this weekend, between our neighbors house and ours. It will be SO nice to have something like that done. Most of the backyard projects we've been talking about for 3 years, and it seems that things are finally happening!

It will look kind of like this:




Then, finally, I finally have a doctor's appointment today.

Last week I went in to get blood drawn for, what they call a recurrent loss panel. It was about 9 vials they test for a variety of Thyroid, autoimmune, and blood clotting disorders.

They will also give me an ultrasound, my fingers are crossed that there is no scar tissue or anything requiring another procedure.

Also, the big question. Where is my period?

Me and My Infertile Avocado Tree

C wants to cut down our Avocado tree in the backyard.

It is fairly large, probably old, but it is also messy, has some dried branches, and isn't that pretty.

I keep arguing that I don't want to cut it down. I like it, I don't know why, I just do.

Over the weekend we decided to start building a fence between our house and one of the neighbors (there is a half-assed, pieced together, chest high fence currently that isn't cutting it).

The avocado conversation started again.

C: "I feel like you have an unhealthy attachment to the avocado tree." he pokes at me laughing.

Me: "I feel sorry for it, I don't want to cut it down, what if it is old?" (pouting)

C: "It doesn't even produce avocados." (side eye)

Me: "Maybe we just need to get a male tree to put next to it."

C: "hmmm............no."

Me: "ok fine, I'll just steal a branch from another tree and sprinkle avocado seed dust all over it."

C: "I think I know the problem." (smiles understandingly and pats my knee)

Me: "What is the problem...?"

C: "I think you sympathize with the tree."

***long pause, thinking, thinking, thinking...***

Me: (light bulb over head moment)

"Oh.my.god......the tree is like me, infertile. C, you are so insightful." (hangs head, feeling lame about being sad for my infertile tree)

C: "Don't feel bad. Lets buy some avocados and glue them all over the tree, it can adopt them."

(insert hysterical laughter)

So there it is. The tree and I have something in common.

I wonder if I'll start being jealous of the neighbor's, heavily fruiting, grapefruit tree now.