No heatbeat and a D&C

Sunday morning I woke up and peed.

And there it was. More bright red.

Its over.

I had already known it. But here was the confirmation I was waiting for.

Even with this, I decided to wait it out a little while before telling C.

I got up, dressed, fed the cats, then went back to the bathroom again. And there was more. I had been cramping most of the night. Not bad. Just mild period like cramping.

C was outside watering. I walked out and told him that I thought it was over.

We decided to just get the news over with.

We drove to the ER.

I feel like I knew this was coming for weeks at this point. I didn't think C was quite on the same page.

He isn't in my body, he doesn't see what I see every time I go to the bathroom. I just knew, and there was no way he could have.

We spent 3 or so hours at the ER. I kept it light, made him take a picture of me in my hospital gown with my wrist tags. We laughed a lot, joked about how we would come in healthy and leave sick with all the germs.

I think we both knew that we would leave without laughter, so it was best to get in a last few moments of happiness while there was still time.

We had the ultrasound. We waited for blood work. The doctor came in to confirm what we already knew. I got my Rohgam shot, and we were calling our parents and then on our way home.

At this point it was the afternoon and we hadn't eaten. We stopped to get something and brought it home.

It wasn't until I got back into my pajamas and sat on the couch with my lunch that I broke down.

Such an unfortunate thing to happen. And twice....

There will be time for my emotional comments later.

Since then I have been in a constant state of fear. Fear of having a D&C, fear of having a natural miscarriage before then. I think it has helped me to keep my mind of what has actually happened in a way. Or maybe it is what I think, and I just feel less damaged this time around.

Being put under anesthesia is on my top 5 worst fears. The plus side is, by the end of today I will have conquered one of my worst fears. The downside is that I will have to face one of my fears.

It will be better than what I went through last time. Which tells you how bad it was last time. I'd rather face this fear. I'd rather spare C all the awful traumatizing moments. It's better this way.

So here I sit, drinking my coffee, feeling a little more calm and relaxed than the past two days, waiting for my procedure which will be in about 5 hours.

I'll post again when it is over, when I no longer have a baby inside of me.

That is so weird, just as weird as last time.