Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Luck? What is luck?

I may have said this before, but I'll say it again. One of the things I have learned over the past few years is to never think you have hit rock bottom. It is like some type of ominous mystical aura of the universe surrounds you and says,

Really? Are you sure you're at the bottom? Because I'm pretty sure life could fuck you a little more....

So I'm all like,

Ya Universe! You've fucked me enough!! I'm there. I'm at the bottom. Are you happy now?!?!

And the world is like,

Hmmmm.....I don't know about that....


And there it is.... another hit.

That is when I curl up a little tighter in my bigger, deeper, darker black hole.

C didn't get the job. THE job. The company he's been trying to get into for years now. He got so far into it. He had it at the tip of his fingers. The universe must have been spying and decided it needed to swoop in with yet another obstacle, aka an internal candidate. 

He has been out of work for a month now, which doesn't seem that long in the big picture, but with no end in sight it is daunting to say the least.

I'm so angry at everything. I'm angry that the internal person who was probably just bored with her job decided on the day he should have gotten a verbal offer, after the position has been open for 5 months, that she should apply.

I'm angry that she ripped away our chance at C having a job, making money, better benefits, and the chance to continue trying to build a family.

I'm angry that the recruiter made him wait and wait and wait, got his hopes up multiple times, just to deliver the worst possible news.

I'm angry at the hiring manager for not taking a chance. C would have been great. I'm angry that I can see that, but the person who mattered the most could not.

I'm angry at us for getting our hopes up, for not planning better financially, for not doing more to make good things happen for us. 

I'm angry at so many people around me for not understanding how shitty life is for us so often, and for seemingly taking all of our "bad luck" so lightly. 

I'm angry at myself for blaming people, right this moment, for issues that have nothing to do with them. Why should anyone be so emotionally invested in us that way? There is no reason. 

I'm kinda angry at this blog even. The one thing that gives me some outlet for these things when I feel I can't talk to anyone else anymore about all the shitty things that happen. 

Do you know how much it sucks to be that friend?  The one who only has bad news to share? The one, that, even when something that appears to have gone well happens, people hold their breath because they realize that the next ball is about to drop. I feel like it must suck being my friend sometimes. I wonder if people think I'm rubbing some kind of bad luck on them?

Even this post sucks.