Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Back to the drawing board

It has been a few weeks since I've posted.

The first week to two weeks after my epiphany of being "done" were great. I felt like a weight had lifted.

I had my onsite interview for the job that I REALLY wanted, which I totally rocked. I got over all of my doctor stupidness, no more TTC shit, etc. I started working out, boot camp style.

Everything was looking brighter.

Last Monday I royally fucked up both of my knees. Not sure what happened, but I have been in a lot of pain. Having trouble walking, the whole sha-bang.

Meanwhile, with the acquisition in full force, my days are numbered at my current job.

Yesterday I found out I didn't get the job. Absolutely beyond disappointing.

So, I have a doctor appointment on Friday to x-ray my knees and assess the situation. I had to quit my boot camp, which was majorly depressing because it was feeling great to be active again, and I was already losing weight and getting more toned.

It is funny how quickly things can spiral downhill. I was doing so well.

Oh well, time to start back from square one.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

100th Post

Wow, this seems totally appropriate.

Almost like a sign.

This post was originally going to be called, A New Start. That is...until I saw it was the 100th and then changed the title.

Either way, I'm rambling...but how exciting!

I woke up this morning and I was happy. I spent a long time talking to C last night about all of our options, what we want to do and how to proceed. I know we are on the same page with letting go and in theory, just being surprised if it is meant to be. I feel like we cleared the air and I woke up to a new start this morning.

Issue of the day: I'm still waiting to hear back about the job I've been interviewing for over the past couple of months. I will, of course, update when I hear something, good or bad. (please let it be good, please let it be good!)

Thank you all for for being here with me the past 100 posts!!

I'm Done.

I often wondered over the past 2 years when or if I would hit my breaking point. I guess I found out. I hit it today.

It started out when I went to the doctor yesterday, she had an emergency C-section and I had to reschedule for this morning. When I got home last night I thought I was going blind in one eye, everything got fuzzy, no peripheral vision. I made C drive me to the eye doctor, I was freaking out. As I sat there for an hour waiting it went away.

It was a panic attack.

On my way to the doctor this morning I had come close to deciding to be put back on birth control pills. I am so done with this. I ended up deciding against it, I'll let things happen if they are meant to.

Apparently, I am fine. I guess my "fake out" no bleeding period like things have just been my body trying to get on track. Saturday's random gush of blood was my period. According to the ultrasound I'm going to ovulate soon. Blood work is normal.

I got back in the car, ready to drive to work. I broke down. It should have been good news, but it wasn't good to me, I don't even know what it was.

Just terrible reminder that everything can be "fine" and completely not fine at the same time.

I am suffering. My relationship with C is suffering. My mind is obviously suffering.

On my reluctant drive to work, I decided I need a change.

I said my goodbyes to my forum, which have been such a great help these past 2 years. I deleted anything baby/period/fertility related from my phone and computer. I am going to give away all of my Ovulation kits, pregnancy tests and books to fellow TTC'er. Like I said, I decided not to go on birth control so I guess I'm not trying, and not preventing either.

If it happens then it happens, if not, then C and I can reassess the situation when we feel the time is right. Right now is not the right time.

I will still keep up this blog, it isn't supposed to be all fertility related anyway. I never knew that this would be what my life was about when I started this.

I hope that the posts I create going forward are more positive, happy, and stress-free.

For all of you who have followed my journey, I appreciate your support and friendship, and words of wisdom in the comments you leave.

And I thank you for being here with me and for taking the time to read my words even though they rarely tell a story of joy.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Big Week

Now that I am over my dramatic emo moment I have a lot to focus on this week.

I interviewed last week for a job that I REALLY would love to get. I should hear back by the end of this week, one way or the other.

C and his dad are going to build a fence this weekend, between our neighbors house and ours. It will be SO nice to have something like that done. Most of the backyard projects we've been talking about for 3 years, and it seems that things are finally happening!

It will look kind of like this:

Then, finally, I finally have a doctor's appointment today.

Last week I went in to get blood drawn for, what they call a recurrent loss panel. It was about 9 vials they test for a variety of Thyroid, autoimmune, and blood clotting disorders.

They will also give me an ultrasound, my fingers are crossed that there is no scar tissue or anything requiring another procedure.

Also, the big question. Where is my period?

Monday, August 8, 2011

Sometimes I want to give up

Dear Diary,

I guess I just had a really bad weekend.

I had to miss two of my girl's events. I hate how my body/fertility issues always find a way to sneak into other parts of my life.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. I am scared that I will get bad news or have to have another procedure, or even that they will prescribe meds to force my body to start working again.

Forcing my body to do something is how I landed here in the first place, with the D&C.

My body, obviously, does whatever it wants, then punishes me for trying to push it.

All weekend, while dealing with intense pain and other awful things I just kept thinking: how can I do this all again?

Even when my period does decide to show up. Then what? Try again for another 6 months to a year? Then what? Get pregnant? Then what? Miscarry again?


I just can't even imagine.

I want to give up.

I spend time imagining myself growing older without children.

Would I eventually learn to be ok with that?

Would C stay with me? Or run off to find some fertile broad.

I know it may sound dramatic. I don't care. These are the actual thoughts I have.

I'm willing to give it one more shot. Deal with whatever happens this time, put myself through the pain.

If I get my period, if I get pregnant again, and if I should miscarry again I don't know how I will be able to try again.

Honestly though, I guess even thinking about it now... the idea of how ridiculously long it might take to even get to the point of miscarrying again.

I mean it could be a year from now, easily.

I will have probably long forgotten this day, as this is only one of the many countless days I've thought of giving up.

I know it won't be the last.

Thanks, diary, for listening. Next time I promise for some good news, or at least a more positive attitude.

Monday, August 1, 2011

12 weeks ago

I had my D&C procedure.

Still no period.


I gave up on the voodoo tampon, as it is obviously not helping.