I often wondered over the past 2 years when or if I would hit my breaking point. I guess I found out. I hit it today.
It started out when I went to the doctor yesterday, she had an emergency C-section and I had to reschedule for this morning. When I got home last night I thought I was going blind in one eye, everything got fuzzy, no peripheral vision. I made C drive me to the eye doctor, I was freaking out. As I sat there for an hour waiting it went away.
It was a panic attack.
On my way to the doctor this morning I had come close to deciding to be put back on birth control pills. I am so done with this. I ended up deciding against it, I'll let things happen if they are meant to.
Apparently, I am fine. I guess my "fake out" no bleeding period like things have just been my body trying to get on track. Saturday's random gush of blood was my period. According to the ultrasound I'm going to ovulate soon. Blood work is normal.
I got back in the car, ready to drive to work. I broke down. It should have been good news, but it wasn't good to me, I don't even know what it was.
Just terrible reminder that everything can be "fine" and completely not fine at the same time.
I am suffering. My relationship with C is suffering. My mind is obviously suffering.
On my reluctant drive to work, I decided I need a change.
I said my goodbyes to my forum, which have been such a great help these past 2 years. I deleted anything baby/period/fertility related from my phone and computer. I am going to give away all of my Ovulation kits, pregnancy tests and books to fellow TTC'er. Like I said, I decided not to go on birth control so I guess I'm not trying, and not preventing either.
If it happens then it happens, if not, then C and I can reassess the situation when we feel the time is right. Right now is not the right time.
I will still keep up this blog, it isn't supposed to be all fertility related anyway. I never knew that this would be what my life was about when I started this.
I hope that the posts I create going forward are more positive, happy, and stress-free.
For all of you who have followed my journey, I appreciate your support and friendship, and words of wisdom in the comments you leave.
And I thank you for being here with me and for taking the time to read my words even though they rarely tell a story of joy.
I think this is a very brave and smart decision! I admire you for and hope that it all works out in the end! Best of luck and wishes for you and C dear!
ReplyDeleteWe are all meant for our own path, and who knows where yours may take you?
ReplyDeleteAll the best to you!