Being pregnant is scary and that is all there is to it...period.

Dear Diary,

I got confirmation on Monday from the doctor everything looks fine, except for the unexplained bleeding. On Thursday I called and asked some questions I forgot about on Monday.

When will it stop? Answer: I don't know, it may not stop for weeks.

When should I be worried? Answer: Bright red or painful cramping.

Friday, on my way home from work I suddenly got a painful cramp. Crap. I continued to rush home, ran to the bathroom, and there it was, bright red. FUCK.

I was not even out of the bathroom as I was calling the doctor. I explained the situation and based on what I described, she told me to wait it out, that it was only a little and if it continues to go to the ER, then she put me on pelvic rest until we see the u/s on Tuesday.

FUCK.

I had a major meltdown.

I really really really REALLY don't want to go through this again.

"I can't believe its happening again," I told C.

Obviously he knew that it doesn't mean the end, I know it doesn't either, but its looking all too familiar.

Flashes of last time keep running through my head.

Thoughts that are so frustrating. Why is it that everyone in life I know seems to sail through pregnancy and not only that, but get pregnant within a few months.

What is wrong with me? What is wrong with my body? Again, I know this is pessimistic, I know that there is still a 50% chance that everything is as it should be. But none of this seems normal or common.

I hate this feeling of fear and loss of hope.

I didn't want to go to sleep but I wanted yesterday to be done with so I went to bed earlier.

I woke up in the middle of the night cramping. I decided to ignore it. Emotionally drained I know physically there isn't anything I can do to stop it. I went back to sleep. I woke up in the morning cramping. It went away. I finally woke up enough to get up at 7am or so. I layed there deeply dreading that trip to the bathroom.

No one should have to dread going to the bathroom. That is so unfair.

I went. Nothing substantial to report. I decided that gravity hadn't done it's part yet. I walked around, got a coffee. I went again. Nothing substantial. Brown. No bright red.

I'm not happy, my mind is not at ease, but for right now, I'm ok.

C went out this morning to get a tree for our yard.

I wandered around the house, thinking of what to do. I don't want to be on my feet at all. I just want to sit or lay down, controlling gravity as much as possible.

I don't want to tell the friends and family that do know that I'm pregnant about this. I think it is difficult to say out loud that it might be ending again. I realize that all of them can read this, and that is ok. I like to talk about it, but really I like to write it down. It eases my anxiety. To know that I'm putting it out there, that I'm not alone.

I feel very alone.

I feel a million miles away, even when I'm talking to C. No one is in my body with me, or in my mind.

After talking to my nurse on Thursday, she said the doctor wants me to come in for weekly ultrasounds. I was beyond thrilled. Especially because I didn't ask for this, or even hint that I wanted it. I know that is not normal practice.

My next u/s is Tuesday in the afternoon. It feels so far away.

I was so shocked to see a heartbeat at the last u/s. Shocked. I wasn't even excited because I kept thinking it was a mistake, a cruel trick. By the next day though, I had even stopped worrying about the spotting because I had the reassurance that the little thing inside of me was still growing.

I have such little hope that I will get the same reassurance on Tuesday.

I think that there are many reasons for this. Obviously the main one is the spotting.

The second reason is that a year ago today I found out I was pregnant for the first time. The day before Mother's Day. It just seems so completely terribly cruel to have that day have such a different meaning for me. I thought the due date of the last one would be the last true milestone. I've now come full circle and realize that those milestones continue. It is so strange. I wonder if the last one will be the date I had the miscarriage. Or maybe I will think of more later.

This topic alone brings to me the awful realization that if I have a second miscarriage I will have a completely new set of milestones.

I don't actually think it will be that way. I think I've de-emotionalized this situation so much that I'm scared of the physical part of a m/c and worrying about how long it might take to get pregnant again. Less sadness of losing an actual child, last time was all about losing a child.

Something C said after the m/c last time has helped me through this pregnancy and recovering after the loss, I try to keep it with me as a way to remind myself of something important, he said,

The child is in spirit form, the body that is being lost is merely the vessel. This vessel wasn't the right one. When the right vessel is created then the spirit will have a place to remain.

He said it more eloquently, and made references to a ship, but still, you get the gist. I am not religious, but I deeply believe that this is true, I have to believe it, otherwise the reality is too difficult to bear.

So I guess the point of this long winded, bitch-fest, vent, depressing tale is that,

We have gone through the worst once before.

We survived, even though we thought we wouldn't.

We moved on, even though we thought we couldn't.

We've grown stronger as a couple and individually, even though we felt weak.

If we have to we know we can do it again, even though we hope with every breath in us, pray to any god there might be, wish on every star that we see, that we won't have to.

I also hope that all of this whining and crying is for nothing, and that someday this child, that is sitting with me at this very moment can grow up, read this and know how badly we wanted him or her.

To the tiny parasite inside of me:

Please be sticky, please be safe.



Thanks, Diary, for listening, you always make me feel better.

edit- for personal documentation reasons - this u/s the doctor measured the baby at 8w1d and could not get an accurate heart rate. The next u/s done at the hospital a few days later there was no change in growth, meaning the growth probably stopped within 24 hours of the one written about here.