Miscarriage...and why people don't talk about it

I often wondered why people never really talked about having a miscarriage. The statistics are that 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in miscarriage. You'd think, with those odds, it would be a common place conversation. I'm starting to realize why its not. Its been 1 week and 3 days since I found out that our baby was gone. From last Monday to last Wednesday all I felt was shock, disbelief and hopeless sadness.

Last Thursday I had the actual miscarriage. My doctor tried to talk me into having a D&C, basically the same small surgical procedure as an abortion. I opted to have it naturally. So for 3 days I waited. It could have been worse, some people wait and it never happens naturally. But Thursday morning at 5am the cramps started. I would have been entering my 12th week of pregnancy. Only a week and a half and I would have been "in the clear" more or less. That might be one of the worst parts of this. Pregnancy weeks, for me, went by so slow, each week felt like two.

So for 2-3 hours the pain was bad, but manageable. Only the equivalent of the worst period cramps I've had. The final hour was 10x that pain. Its the first time I've ever cried becuase a pain was so intense. Finally it was over. The most awful experience of my life so far, and hopefully the worst, was over.

I should have opted for the D&C.

For the next couple days all I wanted to do was tell everyone of the pain, and wondered why more people didn't talk about it. Pain is so relative. My doctor said it would be painful. My theory was, my body is made to do these things, why have an unnecessary procedure. My doctor, as well as others, told me there were two reasons, pain, and emotional pain. And now I know. All of this is true.

The memory of the physical pain fades quickly. And now the deep sadness is all that lingers. At least with physical pain, there is an end in sight. With my current pain, I see no light at the end of a tunnel. All I see is darkness.

There have been good days and bad days. Life still keeps going, that can be hard. Seeing others forget your experience quickly and then its just you and your memories.

Burned in my mind, is the fateful image from last Monday's ultrasound. The baby, in just a few short weeks, had grown from an unidentifiable blob, into a fully recognizable tiny baby. Arms and legs, fingers and toes. I wonder if this wouldn't have been so hard if I hadn't seen that image. It seems like it would be so much easier to let something go when it was just a blob. In this case, I'll never know.

The doctor said we could start trying again in a couple months. The thought of this gives me horrible visions of more miscarriages, and deeper sadness. A week and a half later, I'm still in shock and as sad as the day we found out. How long will this last?

I guess at this time all I can do is thank my lucky stars that I have people in my life that have been the best support I could have ever wanted. My family, friends, and of course C.

My dearest husband, C, was so unbelievably there for me. I love him more now than I ever thought was possible. Even in his own shock and grief he was able to pick me off the ground before I was swallowed into complete darkness. He held my hand through every poke and prod. He is full of constant reassurances that we will move past this and someday have a healthy happy baby of our very own. He will be the best father someday.

And then there was none...

On Saturday night I started spotting dark. Sunday morning there was some red. I called the doctor and she wanted me in on Monday morning for an ultrasound. C and I both knew as soon as we saw that little baby that something was wrong. There was no heartbeat. It had stopped growing two weeks ago.

I started cramping and bleeding more yesterday.

We are heartbroken and devastated. No words can describe how horrible this feeling is.

I can't believe this is happening... how could this be happening? Can someone please wake me up from this nightmare.

To our baby: We loved you already. You are dearly missed.

10 Weeks!

Here I am at 10 weeks, no change again, but I feel like a fat ass if that counts?!

Irrational Fears

I can't be the only one who has a major issue with peeing in public restrooms.

You'd think after 3 years, I would have gotten used to peeing in the bathroom at work. Guess again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a freak. Most of the time its fine. But today was different.

It all started this morning. I walked into the bathroom at 7:30am to complete silence. Something was wrong. I just stood there. Harsh realization #1: the loud ventilation fan was not on. It was DEAD silent. Luckily I was the only one on the 2nd floor this early in the morning, so no big deal.

Later that day, harsh realization #2: Crap, I'm pregnant, I have to use the bathroom every five minutes!!

Oh joyous of joys! Somehow I got lucky, no one ever seemed to be using the bathroom at the same time as me today! Until after lunch. I should have known there would be a rush after everyone slurped down there sodas/coffee/waters!

Harsh realization #3: Walking into a bathroom with 8 stalls that are half full in complete silence is not as bad as having to walk right back out becuase I cannot handle the thought of people hearing me pee.

Solution: Visit multiple bathrooms until finding an empty one. Then, pee as fast as possible.

9 Weeks!

I feel like I'm doing pretty well (knock on wood)I've only had a few bouts of what I consider Morning Sickness. My worst symptom so far is the fact that NOTHING sounds appetizing. Think of those days that your trying to plan dinner and in your mind you're saying "um...no that sounds gross" and you end up eating cereal or something. That's how I feel all the time. Other than that and getting dizzy periodically I'd say I'm lucky!

Here is my latest bloaty photo and updates on baby's growth.

8 Weeks!

Ok, this is major bloat to me, ick. Enjoy.