New Year's Eve 2012

So here it is, the last day of 2012. I can't say I'll miss this year. It really hasn't been the greatest. Some things were good, but some really shitty things happened also.

I think I'll stick with last year's format for this post...because it was pretty awesome...

Major happenings in 2012 (in order of occurrence, not importance)

1.  I miscarried for the 3rd time.

2. I finally received my BA degree!

3. C's parents separated after 30+ years of marriage.

4. C lost his job.

5. I got a new job!

6. House projects: finished the closet, painted the kitchen cabinets

7. C went on 2 week, cross-country road trip!

 2013 New Year's Goals 

(Old post for reference 2012 New Years Post (this is a continued post that is added to, so some things might seem random or out of date))

1. Be more positive. - Working out OK...attempting not to be a whinny bitch ;)  I guess this is going ok. Kinda hard to judge. - struggling with this sometimes, but not doing terribly, will continue into the new year :)

2. Continue to try more new things.
- Booked trip to Europe: may or may not make it now (save explanation for a different post)
- Planning trip to Alaska
- Started hiking with C every weekend: umm didn't quite happen every weekend, BUT we do on occasion.

- Started playing tennis again (fairly regularly)

- Started golfing again (on rare occasion)
- Mountain biking
(not sure what is in store this year!)

3. Get organized! - Still In Progress-- still working on this, but SO MUCH better already!

4. Finish my degree. Obviously I have been working on this most of the past year. I know what I have to do and I am going to finish this year. - Still In Progress DONE!!!!

5. Payoff all debt. And not to air dirty laundry, but I'm thinking of making a little "pay-off-o-meter" to post here for inspiration, aka, constant reminder.   - Still In Progress - On hold due to job loss.

6. Fertility related: This is THE year I think something will happen or big decisions will be made. I haven't updated some important information in a while but I will say that I now have some infertility coverage and adoption assistance. I will be searching for an RE and moving forward with IVF and possibly adoption in 2013. (yikes!!)

7. Sell our house.  - this may be possible this year.

8. Buy a new house. - this may be possible this year

9. Make my house a home. I'm tired of being jealous of other people's houses. I want to live in a comfortable, happy, stylin' environment. Because C and I pretty much decided to stay in our current house for at least another year or two, I want to make it a better place. -In progress! - Still going well I need to post some pictures in an upcoming post.

10. Lose weight.  Via weight watchers - I WILL post my weight occasionally to hold myself accountable.
Current Weight: 166 Current weight - 159 (improvement!) Goal #1: 145 by 06/23/12 (friend's wedding) Didn't happen HA!
Goal #2: 135 145 by 10/12/12 (Europe) (Halloween!)
Goal #3: 130 by 01/01/13
Goal #4: Maintain

I've decided to go all out with this goal this year. I think as I race towards the big 3-0 birthday in April I'm growing increasingly aware of the impending doom that is "the age factor." I think if my self-esteem is fairly low now, it may only get worse as I depart from my 20's. I have, therefor, decided to go back to my original plan of weekly weigh in's...yes....WEEKLY dammit!! AND will also be coming up with a new set of weight loss related goals in the form of some statistic and photo heavy weekly post to keep me freakin accountable.

Starting tomorrow I have 128 days, to achieve the completely POSSIBLE goal of losing 30lbs.

Watch the fuck out, because here I come!!!

Three Years

I have oh so many things to say. I always do...I have so many things to say all the time that sometimes I just get stuck and don't know how to put things into words...on paper (aka blog).

I literally have a list on my phone of awesome and funny blog topics that I always mean to write about. 

I was sitting here, feeling inspired but not sure about what to say. I started thinking of all the junk in my head and the only thing that seems profound enough to say is...

It has been 3 years this week.

3 years since that fateful night that my friend announced her pregnancy. That one interesting turn of events that was probably so immeasurably exciting for her, but something that I will probably only remember from my own selfish point of view. 

The day that we decided to start trying for a baby.

I keep thinking, at this point by the time we actually have the first possibility of having a baby it will almost be 4 years. FOUR YEARS!!! That is so crazy to me. I know some people wait 10 or whatever, but for me this is a lot. More than enough years to have suffered through. 

I may have said something similar before, but I can't remember now. The other day I was talking to C, out on the porch, having a glass of wine (a normal tradition for us) and thought.....hmmmm....

Sometimes I wonder if I really want kids.

What if I don't really?

What if the reason I think I want them so bad is because I can't have them?

Then what? 

I wonder if that is what people think about me too?

C laughed, then said he had the same thoughts occasionally, and, no, I'm not crazy.

(big secret sigh of relief)


I am starting a new job next week. This came up suddenly, only within the past few weeks. Actually all since my last post. The position is a good one, a level up from where I am now, the company is good, and the super awesome bonus is they have some infertility coverage. Not a huge amount. But probably at least one round of IVF. 

I can't believe that 3 years ago, this week, I was worried I'd get pregnant the first month and that I wouldn't be ready. 

HA HA HA!!! 

And now, I'm worried, because we may only have enough for one round of IVF.

WTF.

I definitely know I've said this before...and I'm sure I'll say it again....

How the hell did I even get here!??!


Well anyway, cheers to 3 years. 

A very unfortunate anniversary.

Luck? What is luck?

I may have said this before, but I'll say it again. One of the things I have learned over the past few years is to never think you have hit rock bottom. It is like some type of ominous mystical aura of the universe surrounds you and says,

Really? Are you sure you're at the bottom? Because I'm pretty sure life could fuck you a little more....

So I'm all like,

Ya Universe! You've fucked me enough!! I'm there. I'm at the bottom. Are you happy now?!?!

And the world is like,

Hmmmm.....I don't know about that....

BLAM!!!!!!!

And there it is.... another hit.

That is when I curl up a little tighter in my bigger, deeper, darker black hole.


C didn't get the job. THE job. The company he's been trying to get into for years now. He got so far into it. He had it at the tip of his fingers. The universe must have been spying and decided it needed to swoop in with yet another obstacle, aka an internal candidate. 

He has been out of work for a month now, which doesn't seem that long in the big picture, but with no end in sight it is daunting to say the least.

I'm so angry at everything. I'm angry that the internal person who was probably just bored with her job decided on the day he should have gotten a verbal offer, after the position has been open for 5 months, that she should apply.

I'm angry that she ripped away our chance at C having a job, making money, better benefits, and the chance to continue trying to build a family.

I'm angry that the recruiter made him wait and wait and wait, got his hopes up multiple times, just to deliver the worst possible news.

I'm angry at the hiring manager for not taking a chance. C would have been great. I'm angry that I can see that, but the person who mattered the most could not.

I'm angry at us for getting our hopes up, for not planning better financially, for not doing more to make good things happen for us. 

I'm angry at so many people around me for not understanding how shitty life is for us so often, and for seemingly taking all of our "bad luck" so lightly. 

I'm angry at myself for blaming people, right this moment, for issues that have nothing to do with them. Why should anyone be so emotionally invested in us that way? There is no reason. 

I'm kinda angry at this blog even. The one thing that gives me some outlet for these things when I feel I can't talk to anyone else anymore about all the shitty things that happen. 

Do you know how much it sucks to be that friend?  The one who only has bad news to share? The one, that, even when something that appears to have gone well happens, people hold their breath because they realize that the next ball is about to drop. I feel like it must suck being my friend sometimes. I wonder if people think I'm rubbing some kind of bad luck on them?

Even this post sucks.

Ode to the End of Summer

Summer is the worst time of year for me. I'm sure if I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I hate Summer.

I don't like the heat, I don't like the sun always high in the sky, burning me, getting in my eyes, making me sweaty and fat feeling.

I do like being outside for the long summer nights, but mainly I think that is just a blissful reprieve from the discomfort of heat. And frankly, my 100+ year old house doesn't even get cool enough to sleep well for about 5 months during the year.

Only 4 days until the best part of the year. Even in the sun and warmth during September you can feel the crisp breeze forming. The days getting shorter and every so often a nice crunch under your shoe as the first leaves begin to fall.

I have come to terms with the fact that my entire outlook on life is a little bit more negative during the summer. I acknowledged that my anxiety heightens and I'm a little more on edge. I even notice how my creative writing skills lack severely and my pathetically few blog posts are all that I have to show for it. And shit, you can even see how short they are, with all the things I've omitted due to my lack of interest.

I guess, with a new season, a good season approaching I should probably do the summer at least a little justice and recap on some memorable moments, though they are not happy ones....

The one telling post was about anxiety. As mentioned previously, I had some major anxiety problems this summer. It might be something I have to get used to because this is not the first time.

The summer started off with a traumatic event. C's parents, after 35+ years of marriage ended. Just 3 short months ago C's Mom announced her life would change and she would  no longer be sharing that life with her husband.  She left the house that C grew up in, the divorce papers have been served, and several lives have been forever altered because of her actions. C took it hard, I have been there for him and his Dad to the best of my abilities, having gone through this fairly recently I know how shitty the whole thing is.

(writing this down makes me realize I have never shared my own story... maybe another day)

Only a week or two later in June, after the shocking announcement we took another huge personal hit.

C was informed that his position within his company would be terminated and he was losing his job. He was given 3 months notice and a meager severance.

What a train wreck our life is sometimes.

Next week is his last week at his company. There are no concrete options for him at this point, though he worked his ass off all summer trying to land a new position.

This has been one of the most difficult things we've gone through. I, naively, never really fully understood the impact of job loss. I knew financially it sucked, and that interviewing sucks, and that it could take many months (if you are lucky) to find another job.

What I didn't know was the emotional impact it would have on the person that gets laid off. Even if you don't like the company. It is a huge blow to your self esteem, and the longer you are without a job, even if it is "only" 3 months, the worse it gets. There are so many other things it effects, vacation plans (aka our expensive ass Europe trip) all debt payoff is put on hold, no projects, not frivilous spending, limited entertainment, everything comes to a screeching halt.

At least, I feel blessed that financially we will  be ok for at least another few months. It has taken a really large toll on both of us though. We have stresses that have been piled on the past few years, this is the icing on the cake. The part where some people say "this must be rock bottom, as bad as it gets?"

I refuse to say that.

What the past few years has taught me is, just when you think it can't get worse **chime in evil laughter** it does get worse.

Life says "HERE! Here is a big fuck you! Thank you, enjoy your day."

I wanted to write about these two things many times over the past several months. I just couldn't do it. I didn't have it in me. So often I feel like a big black hole is growing inside of me, swallowing me, tiny bits at a time. For some reason admitting that things sucked, then guess what, they get worse, is kind of humiliating.

Not that I can be ashamed of any of the situations that have occurred, but, you know what? I hate being the bitter Betty, negative Nelly type. I don't like the pity, I don't like the looks of pathetic sympathy we get. It freakin pisses me off. Or even worse, those who say, "you know, it could always be worse." Or "At least you have..this or that." Don't freakin say that shit to me. You know what, I get that it could be worse, obviously, but thank you for making me feel like a big jackass when I want to bitch for a minute about how bad things do suck right now.  Sorry you don't feel like things are fucked up enough to justify a complaint.

I used to ask C "Why me!?" And his response was always, "why not you?" Damn I hate that response. I hate it because I know it is true. Why not me? Why not us? Even though, to the best of my knowledge, we haven't done anything in life to warrant such terrible Karma, why the hell not me?

So anyway....now you know, and by writing this down it quite possibly will make me feel better...or maybe worse...but who knows.

4 more days until Fall, a new season, with new hopes. Maybe I'll get for realzies pregnant this season? Maybe C will find a job ten times more awesome than the one he is losing. Maybe we'll win the lottery and be able to buy a farm with goats and chickens and have a house with TWO bathrooms!?

You just never know! And on that positive super awesome note, I will leave you with some actual good things that we did this summer :)

Sheer Willpower, I say!

Yes, I did it. 

I fucking willed my period to come.  

WILLED it!

I didn't end up using the Provera because I knew my "cycle" would be ending soon, in theory, so I thought I'd give it another week before stuffing my body full of extra hormones. Then, every time I felt a cramp I would focus all my energy there to tell it who was boss. 

I'm pretty sure that's what did it.

Secondly, we got our test results back for Karyotyping. Both came back normal. 

So we are free to try again on our own as early as this month.

The idea of this completely freaks me out.  I went from thinking we would have to wait a year pretty much to be able to afford treatments to within a few months being able to TTC again naturally.

We've decided to try starting this month for 2 months or so, if it doesn't happen we will go back to the doctor and start Clomid to improve our chances of conceiving quicker.

So I guess.... here we go again....

 

183 Days

Today marks exactly 6 months from my last D&C.

:: sigh :: 

Yesterday, C and I had a little visit with my new OB. Sadly, my previous one left the practice. However, this person happens to specialize in infertility, so I might have lucked out.

We sat in his office for about an hour going over my file. I haven't seen my file in about a year, so when he dropped it on his desk as he sat down I was shocked to see how huge it has gotten. 

:: sigh :: 

He seemed shocked at our history and said I was the youngest patient he has. After going over the file he decided that the next step would be to complete the Karyotype testing, which we had been putting off for the past few months. He said it would be unlikely that it would come back abnormal, but that obviously we should rule out a few (not good) possibilities.

More concerning, he said, was my lack of period since the D&C. He prescribed me Provera, 10mg twice a day for 5 days to induce my period. I will start that tonight. I actually really hate new meds, I am super paranoid and anxious about side effects and risks. I'm just going to suck it up and do it though, the benefits outweigh the negatives here.

Then, if my period doesn't come we'll need to bust out that handy dildo cam and see what the hell is going on in that black hole of a uterus I have. One of his concerns is something called Asherman's Syndrome. (I've linked but will not read myself to avoid anxiety :)

By the end of the consultation the doctor decided that it would be so unlikely that I would miscarry from another Triploidy baby that he wants us to try again naturally one more time before moving on to more serious fertility treatments.

I'm not exactly sure how to feel about this. 

I think I'll have to make a pro's and con's list.

:: sigh :: 

:: slinks in quiet and unnoticed ::

I know it may seem that I have fallen off the face of my blog world. 

I am still here though. 

I start to write a post about once a week and just can't seem to finish anything.

A bunch has happened but I'm feeling uninspired, and kind of depressed.

So, I decided to give mid-year update on my goals, since that was mostly written anyway, lazy I know.....

 

....enjoy....



(Old post for reference New Years Post)

1. Be more positive. - Working out OK...attempting not to be a whinny bitch ;)  I guess this is going ok. Kinda hard to judge.

2. Continue to try more new things.
- Booked trip to Europe: may or may not make it now (save explanation for a different post)
- Planning trip to Alaska
- Started hiking with C every weekend: umm didn't quite happen every weekend, BUT we do on occasion.

- Started playing tennis again (3x a week!!)

- Started golfing again
- Mountain biking

3. Get organized! - Still In Progress-- still working on this!

4. Finish my degree. Obviously I have been working on this most of the past year. I know what I have to do and I am going to finish this year. - Still In Progress DONE!!!!

5. Payoff all debt. And not to air dirty laundry, but I'm thinking of making a little "pay-off-o-meter" to post here for inspiration, aka, constant reminder.   - Still In Progress - based on same reason as why we may not be going to Europe this has been put on hold. :(

6. Have this baby. Update: Seeing IF specialist at OB practice on 08/08!

7. Sell our house.
- After a few discussions we decided that with all that is going on this year, it is not the best time to do this.

8. Buy a new house.
- Same reason as above.


New Goals

6. Lose weight.  Via weight watchers - I WILL post my weight weekly occasionally to hold myself accountable.
Current Weight: 166 Current weight - 159 (improvement!)
Goal #1: 145 by 06/23/12 (friend's wedding) Didn't happen HA!
Goal #2: 135 145 by 10/12/12 (Europe) (Halloween!)
Goal #3: 130 by 01/01/13
Goal #4: Maintain

7. Make my house a home. I'm tired of being jealous of other people's houses. I want to live in a comfortable, happy, stylin' environment. Because C and I pretty much decided to stay in our current house for at least another year or two, I want to make it a better place. -In progress!