Trying to move on

Today I would have been 12 weeks. The baby would have been the size of a plum. Its hard to not think about this loss all the time. Its hard to not think about the fact that I would have only had less than two weeks until entering the 2nd trimester. Or that, in just about a month I know if we were having a little boy or girl. Or even that I would be starting to develop a baby bump within a few weeks.

I had been feeling extremely weak since last Friday. I went to the doctor to get a blood test to find out if I was Anemic. The blood test showed negative. I realized then that its just in my head. It just my body coping with the loss, my emotional pain manifesting itself physically. I know now that its time to try to move on.

This morning I started temping again for my ovulation chart. Even though we cannot start trying again for another month or so, I think getting back into this routine will help. I think that it will give me something to occupy my mind each day. I'm big on charts and graphs. Patterns simplify things and create consistency. Ahh... good ol' consistency.

A few of the girls on the miscarriage and pregnancy loss forum have inspired me with this image. I know that I am strong and can move past this. I will never forget. I'm sure I'll still talk of it often, but how can you not mention the most monumental aspect of your life thus far. However, for my sanity I need to remember that I cannot dwell in the past, but need to move on to the future.