Nervous and Scared

That is how I feel.

Tomorrow is my first ultrasound. I'm mainly just feeling queezy. And no, its not morning sickness.

I thought I would be less worried about this part becuase last time this went just fine.

It feels like everyone around me is a little worried also. People keep bringing it up, with a certain tone. Like, its hard to describe. I think most people had never seen me upset, before the miscarriage. I think I hide my emotions well. (not like that is a good thing) But, when people were faced with, well, a depressed version of Katy, they were thrown off. I'm sure no one wants to see me like that again. I don't want that to happen again, obviously. So, I think that is what this "tone" means.

I'm not being super negative. I think there is a fine line between being negative and being realistic.

I want nothing more than for this to work out, to have a happy and healthy 9 months and be rewarded with a smiling little thing at the other end.

I guess I am just guarded. Trying to be less emotional about it, and more logical. Will this attitude help in the event of another loss....I doubt it. But its worth a try. I was extremely emotionally invested in the last pregnancy. And to lose that was indescribably terrible. So, I figure, maybe having the opposite approach isn't the worst idea, right?

Who knows, maybe I'll regret it later.

I think anyone who has experienced this type of loss probably understands what I'm babbling about. I do think it probably seems overly paranoid or jaded to those who have had no such experience.

Anyway, I guess I'm done talking about it.

I thought it would make me feel better to see it written out.

It didn't! LOL oh well.

I guess I'll just have to suck it up,

Close my eyes,

Jump,

and know that I've already proven once that I can handle the unthinkable, I can do it again if that is the universe has planned for me.

What did I do with that wonder woman logo.....ah...here it is :)





On second thought...this has made me feel better!