I am a Giver

Dear Diary,

I feel like I have a million different hands grabbing at me.

Stretching me in all directions.

I'm stretched so thin that little holes are forming,like dough rolled out too far.

I wish I had more of myself to pass around.

I feel like no matter how much help, and all that I give its not enough. Or there are just too many things intertwining, all at the same time. There is always someone unhappy with what I am or am not contributing.

Part of my problem is that I'm a giver. I give and I give and I give until there is nothing else to give. I'm reaching that point frighteningly fast.

I wish I could pause the world and take a break.

What do you do when important people in your life all want your time, and each is upset that the other has it. Where is the time for me? How is there so little time?? Why are there so few hours in the day?? I work and work, give and give, and nothing gets accomplished.

I wonder if I ever even ask for anything? I must. Everyone does. Maybe not enough. I want to stand on my doorstep and scream, "Leave me ALONE!" Then walk inside and slam the door. Or turn off my phone, hide in my room, or something super dramatic like that.

But, no, I won't really do that.

Of course not. I am a giver. You'd think it would be easy to say no. But it's not. I wish it were easy. Like one of those totally callus and self centered people who doesn't give a rat's ass about anyone else. Maybe this is how they ended up that way. Too many holes in their dough.

All I want to do is make a quilt, or a cake, or work on a house project....is that so much to ask? People tell me, find your time, make time. Followed up by..."oh by the way...do you think you could..." Gee, thanks.

But then part of me thinks, I had time to write this super whinny blog post. I could have used this time to do something I really wanted to do.

I guess I just need an outlet sometimes. And, really, sometimes this is it.

The only one that I can count on.

The only outlet that doesn't get hurt feelings, or ask me to do things, or get mad at me when I can't or won't.

It doesn't give advice or pretend it's something it's not.

Thanks diary.