Scheduled!

The receptionist called back. The appointment is set for Wed, December 29th! 2 weeks from today! I'm so curious what she is going to say or suggest. Hopefully something more than...keep on trying...

A step forward

I called my doctor today. It actually made me really nervous. I didn't even know what to say exactly. I ended up having to leave a message. But even doing that makes me feel a little better.

One more step in the right direction.

Turning Around

I'm happy with how things are working out this week. I'm feeling 50% better already.

Accomplishments/stress-relievers

Work
1. Worked on a project that felt above my level. I created a 3 year strategy presentation for our department. I'm in trying-to-prove-myself mode at work, so its a little stressful. I submitted the presentation and received kudos. Sigh of relief.

2. Confirmation that my team is about to change dramatically (in a good way) FINALLY!

Home
1. Keeping the house clean, sticking to my schedules!
2. C is helping, and it is such a big difference. Things are getting done!
3. Looking forward to a weekend of Christmas decorating, tree hunting, baking, and fancy cooking. All things for ME, things I want to do. nice :)

Family
1. My sister is getting her shit together. I helped her at first and now she is taking action and doing everything on her own. (this is a long story for another day)
2. Things are calming down in general.

School
1. Finals next week then its done, sweet!

Other
1. I have been maintaining my weight, and feel another loss coming on. I'm at 139, was 138 at the lowest a couple weeks ago. But seriously after Thanksgiving, a one pound gain is nothing!
2. I have been seeing friends. Something people take for granted. I was having serious friend with drawl. Thanks ladies :)

Obviously there are always slight set backs....

Baby
1. Another negative test month. Lame.
2. It's officially been one year since we started TTC. Can you imagine? What a long ass year. (I know some of you are definitely right there with me)
3. We decided not to take a break after all. I think I would regret it later. I'm superstitious. What if this is "the month."
4. I'm going to call the doctor this month, probably have an appointment in January.

Overall though, everything is working out better!

I am a Giver

Dear Diary,

I feel like I have a million different hands grabbing at me.

Stretching me in all directions.

I'm stretched so thin that little holes are forming,like dough rolled out too far.

I wish I had more of myself to pass around.

I feel like no matter how much help, and all that I give its not enough. Or there are just too many things intertwining, all at the same time. There is always someone unhappy with what I am or am not contributing.

Part of my problem is that I'm a giver. I give and I give and I give until there is nothing else to give. I'm reaching that point frighteningly fast.

I wish I could pause the world and take a break.

What do you do when important people in your life all want your time, and each is upset that the other has it. Where is the time for me? How is there so little time?? Why are there so few hours in the day?? I work and work, give and give, and nothing gets accomplished.

I wonder if I ever even ask for anything? I must. Everyone does. Maybe not enough. I want to stand on my doorstep and scream, "Leave me ALONE!" Then walk inside and slam the door. Or turn off my phone, hide in my room, or something super dramatic like that.

But, no, I won't really do that.

Of course not. I am a giver. You'd think it would be easy to say no. But it's not. I wish it were easy. Like one of those totally callus and self centered people who doesn't give a rat's ass about anyone else. Maybe this is how they ended up that way. Too many holes in their dough.

All I want to do is make a quilt, or a cake, or work on a house project....is that so much to ask? People tell me, find your time, make time. Followed up by..."oh by the way...do you think you could..." Gee, thanks.

But then part of me thinks, I had time to write this super whinny blog post. I could have used this time to do something I really wanted to do.

I guess I just need an outlet sometimes. And, really, sometimes this is it.

The only one that I can count on.

The only outlet that doesn't get hurt feelings, or ask me to do things, or get mad at me when I can't or won't.

It doesn't give advice or pretend it's something it's not.

Thanks diary.

So thankful.....that November is almost over...

I'm very happy this month is over. I usually cherish every ounce of the fall season that I can. November is one of my favorites. This year not so much. Stress after stress after stress. Drama Drama DRAMA! I'm totally over it.

December will be different. I look forward to holiday fun and taking a break from many things. Cameron and I had a serious discussion over the weekend. We've implemented a "zero stress" policy for the month of December (and maybe longer). I have thought long and hard about the things I've been missing out on the past 6 months or so. I miss friends, I miss relaxing days, I miss taking care of myself.

Even when I've been hanging out with friends I feel like I'm not mentally there. I find myself forgetting something someone said right after they say it. I feel like I've been a different person.

I hope we can achieve this goal, I would really like to make some changes for me and I can't think of a better way to do it. We need to work on our finances, get back on our strict debt pay-off plan. And take care of some long overdue issues.

The most difficult part of the discussion was the end. When finally we talked about another big stress that neither of us wanted to bring up.

The baby thing.

Ya, that.

Something that is always close to the front of my mind. And his, I'm sure. We ultimately decided that it was time to take a break from that too.

ah.... bitter sweet.

Well, mostly just bitter.

I've been putting a lot of time and effort into TTC: prenatals, pregnancy tests, green tea, pomegranate juice, temping, charting, timing, reading, ovulation tests, blogging....

I know that trying to let it go doesn't mean it won't be on my mind. I'm hoping that it will at least decrease the stress around that area of our lives. Though knowing that I'm a total type A control freak, I think letting nature take its course might be more difficult for me than the alternative...

I think its a good time to start preparing for the new year, which is rapidly approaching. The last thing I want is to feel like I'm drowning under pressure and stress. Which is how I feel most of my waking hours at this point. The new year for me, always feels like an opportunity for a fresh start. Not even about resolutions but about taking aspects of my life I don't like and actually making an effort at turning them around. Maybe that's a post for another day...

3 years

Today is our 3 year wedding anniversary. I feel very lucky to have married my best friend. A man who makes me laugh every day. Sure, he doesn't do the dishes or make the bed everyday. Some things are more important. He has seen me through some of the best and worst times in my life, and picked me up off the ground when I couldn't help myself. He has been everything I needed him to be and more. My rock, my life.

I love you!

Here's to looking back at the last 3 fabulous years and forward to the years to come!

When I grow up I'm going to be a.....

1. Book Author: Every month I say I'm going to write a book. Something strikes me. I grab a notebook or my phone or anything I can write on! I jot down all these little ideas. Story lines, character names, locations, genres. I've started at least four books at this point. Then get bored after one chapter and stop.

2. Bakery Chef: because who wouldn't love to wake up to the smell of fresh baked goods each morning!

3. Event Planner: This I'm just plain good at. If I could I would do it for a living. I think I'm too old at this point though. I'd have to climb all of one step back down the ladder....you know...because I've already gotten so far in my current career...

4. Stay at Home (1950's style) wife: Pearls. Puffy skirts with high heels. Oven mitts. Need I say more?

My new living room

A special thanks to my MIL and Mom for helping me turn my "cave" into a really beautiful living room! (not to mention devoting 4 days, dealing with my indecisiveness,taking time off work, putting up with small fits of irritation and whatnot) Such an AMAZING transformation, pictures, in no way, do it justice!!!

Before:



After:

Weigh In

So I'm down about 5lbs since starting weight watchers again. My goal is a little less than 10lbs away at this point! Sweet!

My size goal was a 6, but I just bought a size 6 pair of jeans this weekend, so I'm thinking my new goal is a size 4. Who would have thought?!

My weekend

And another project begins (don't ask me where we are going with this one)....

Amanda's Baby Shower

Check out the cute stuff I've put together so far for the baby shower!

Yard Sale

So, we had a yard sale. Total and complete waste of time... warning...never have one. Unless of course you have tons of expensive, like-new stuff to sell for $$$. Suggestion, make lots of posters ahead of time, and don't live on a street that gets minimal traffic.

Here is the one funny picture, my MIL decided that she LOVES the black eyed peas song "I gotta feelin" so much so, that she was compelled to literally dance in the street. I thought for sure this would bring in many customers...yet somehow people seemed to just feel inclined to walk on the other side of the street. hmmmm... I don't get it :)

By the way, we were out there all day, and sold mmm...maybe $65 worth of stuff, I had spent $25 on posters and stickers and markers and junk to even make it happen. So we made about $40. ALL DAY!

Fence: Weekend 4

Here are the updated pictures!! Only one more step for C to build the gate, then we are officially FINISHED!

Fence: Weekend 3

Here are some updated pictures!! oh after posting I can see these aren't the best pics...oh well :)

Two steps forward.....one step back

Ah milestones...how I hate thee, let me count the ways...

One step back today. Yesterday I would have been 18 weeks. Can you imagine? I would have been finding out if the little pea was a girl or boy. I'd be showing. Crazy to think how time went by so slow while it was happening, and now its going by so fast.

I try not to dwell, and think I do a pretty damn good job at not being angsty or woe-is-me about things. But sometimes I can't help but think about these milestones.

On a none whinny note. We may finish the picket fence this weekend! I'm super excited, it will be so nice to have completed! Updates later this weekend on the progress...

Fence Progress Part 2

Ok, we worked all weekend, here are some updated pictures. C made the arbor with his dad, so cool!

Weight Watchers....Take 3

So I've decided to get back on track. I started weight watchers a few years ago for the first time and lost 15 pounds.

On my 26th Birthday, almost a year and a half ago I started it again. I weighed in at 175 lbs. I've lost about 30. When I got pregnant in April I stopped following the diet. I gained a few pounds. But C decided he wanted to start with me this time! So starting next week I'll be back on track! The goal is to lose 25 more pounds. (Obviously if I get pregnant again I'll have to stop, but why not at least try for now!)

Here are my before and after pictures! The one on top was taken on my 26th Birthday (175 lbs), the one on the bottom was my 27th birthday (145 lbs).


Current Stats:
Age: 27
Height: 5'5"
Weight: 150 Lbs
Goal Weight: 125 Lbs

Something you never knew about me

When I do dishes (or basically any other time I'm by myself) I make up songs and sing to my Cat, Sweater. For some reason his name is easiest to fit into the music. Normally they are to the tune of something well known, such as:

Somewhere over the rainbow
Something by Bobby Darin (ex. Mack the Knife)
The Doors (because Cameron plays it all the time so now I know every song)
Anything by Disney



This is probably one of those things that everyone does, but no one else knows.

It makes me think, if everyone does it, yet no one else knows that everyone else does it, does that mean its human nature? Weird.

I always wanted a house with a white picket fence

And this weekend it started coming together! C and his dad worked on the start of a picket fence. The bones are up (a few adjustments needed) but still really fun!

Tonight and tomorrow night we have to adjust the 2x4 cross pieces to turn length wise instead of width wise as they are now. We decided to change them to keep the pickets flush to the posts. Should be only a couple hours of work vs. the 2 days of digging post hole and pouring cement.

Here is what my car looked like full of wood:



Oh wait...that was the game KerPlunk...this is what it actually looked like, see the resemblance:



Here is what the fence looks like today:



Here is what it will look like (hopefully):



In other news, I got my period on time! Woo HOO! The doctor had warned me that it could take up to 8 weeks for my cycle to go back to normal. So I consider myself lucky, that everything came on time. At this point we are back on TTC track!
I also think its funny that if I get pregnant this month my due date would be MY birthday! Not a bad day at all :)

4th of July

This is a little late, but check out the pies I baked! I made one cherry and one apple pie. The apple pie was delicious, the cherry pie (my first attempt) needed some major help. Not a big fan of pie myself, but they sure turned out cute!

Back on Track and PLEASE show me the MONEY!!

Do you ever reach a point where you know that you've dealing with something that is all consuming or just plain been f*cking around too much?

Like, crap... back to reality...I guess...?

That is us right now. When all is said and done, we have been neglecting out home, finances, and work. Now its time to get back on that horse and make some progress.

Finances...ah....finances...

In a perfect world we would all make as much money as we needed, or more. In the current, not-even-close-to-perfect-world, that's just not the way things work out.

For instance, C and I have both been asking for, well deserved, raises for at least a year now. Have we gotten one? No. This is a prime example of why planning ahead of time, though with the best of intentions, and being as worst-case-scenario as you can be, still doesn't usually work. Ah...the best laid plans...

So here we are. Worst-case-scenario, we assumed, ONE of us would have gotten a raise at this point. Just one of us. Not asking for the world here. But no. We had a plan dammit! Now what.

We have things to pay, projects to attack, life events for Pete's sake!

And hell week starts again. The dreaded, the terrible, the awkward, the week we follow up on the raises we've been requesting. I hate these weeks. Mine is worse for the following reasons.

1. My manager is gone for the next two weeks, working from home, out of the office, potentially on a leave.
2. Being in HR I don't really have a rep to ask for advice.
3. Major dilemmas (which I will outline below)

a. Should I ask her while she is out of the office? Who knows when she'll be back? (conclusion: no, she has refused before to talk about these things in email. GOD FORBID there be a paper trail)

b. The all important question: when is it ok to go above your manager's head? (eeek I have no idea)

c. What if she tells me no? What then? Do I throw a childish fit? Do I quit on the spot (I wish, but not an option) In the past I've taken it with grace, and believed her promises that it would come one day. Not this time. I think I'll throw a fit.

Wish me luck.

Tuesday Shmoozday

Why is it, that the more work you have to do, the harder it is to complete. Even the smallest tasks feel insurmountable.

I'm such a procrastinator. The first part of the week I get the least amount of work done. By the end of the week I've set up goals to finish all my tasks on Thursday and Friday. It would probably be better to get the hard stuff done the first part of the week, so I could have a relaxing Friday. But no. That makes too much sense.

Ok, this topic is only a painful reminder of the 5 inch stack of papers sitting in front of my waiting for action. FIVE inches, I measured. I guess it could be 7 inches, so I'll stop complaining.

I hate facebook and other short stories

I'm still playing catchup at work, I basically missed most of the month of June, so I haven't had much time to bloggity-blog.

At the end of last week I finally had a rush of excitement about seeing those two pink lines. Oh Joy! I'm happy to be returning to my normal, positive, optimistic self.

Today I would have been officially on Day 1 of the Second Trimester. Milestones like that I'm sure will linger until I pass that major would-have-been due date of January 13th.

Things I don't like about Facebook:

Do I care that your grabbing coffee on your way to work? No. You know why? Because you do it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Do I care that your now friends with Joe Shmo? No. Why? Because I don't.

Do I care that your out on a date/at a BBQ/hangin with the girls(or boys)? No. To me a comment like that says: "WOW I am so bored on my date/BBQ/Night that I don't even want to socialize I'd rather be on my iphone making posts on Facebook." Or even "look at me, I'm so popular and important that people might want to know what I'm doing RIGHT NOW, so I better tell them so they can ask me about it later..."

So no, I don't care, and most people would be lying if they said they did.

Things I like about Facebook:
1. You get to follow the exciting events of a friend's life. Note the word exciting.
2. Its way easy to keep track of someone's birthday
3. It makes far away friends seem so much closer.

Stuff and Fluff

Yesterday I made my first Etsy purchase. For those of you who are not familiar with this wonderful internet shopping site. Everything on it is handmade and sold by the maker. They have the coolest stuff ever!

I bought this bracelet as kind of a commemorative piece (maybe not the right word) but for me it will signify a remembrance for what I've just been through. I asked for it to be slightly customized, so it only has one large white pearl in the center instead of 4 egg/pearls. Thanks to Jeannie with GreyFrogDesigns for creating this special bracelet for me.



In other news, I'm so happy for the long weekend coming up. I plan on drinking every night.

Yes, I'm a lush.

And, no, I don't give a shit.

I'm also going to eat a lot of yummy food and start my diet on Tuesday again. Lets see if I can shed that last 15-20 pounds before getting knocked-up again!!

And, speaking of someday being knocked-up again, check out these little charms, when you shake them they make a little bell sound. Super cute, good for a baby shower favor maybe... ;)


Found at delishbeads.myshopify.com

Trying to move on

Today I would have been 12 weeks. The baby would have been the size of a plum. Its hard to not think about this loss all the time. Its hard to not think about the fact that I would have only had less than two weeks until entering the 2nd trimester. Or that, in just about a month I know if we were having a little boy or girl. Or even that I would be starting to develop a baby bump within a few weeks.

I had been feeling extremely weak since last Friday. I went to the doctor to get a blood test to find out if I was Anemic. The blood test showed negative. I realized then that its just in my head. It just my body coping with the loss, my emotional pain manifesting itself physically. I know now that its time to try to move on.

This morning I started temping again for my ovulation chart. Even though we cannot start trying again for another month or so, I think getting back into this routine will help. I think that it will give me something to occupy my mind each day. I'm big on charts and graphs. Patterns simplify things and create consistency. Ahh... good ol' consistency.

A few of the girls on the miscarriage and pregnancy loss forum have inspired me with this image. I know that I am strong and can move past this. I will never forget. I'm sure I'll still talk of it often, but how can you not mention the most monumental aspect of your life thus far. However, for my sanity I need to remember that I cannot dwell in the past, but need to move on to the future.

This song struck me today...

Coldplay - Yellow

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah they were all yellow,

I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called yellow

So then I took my turn
Oh all the things I've done
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know you know I love you so
You know I love you so

I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh all the things you do
Cause you were all yellow

I drew a line
I drew a line for you
Oh what a thing to do
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know for you i bleed myself dry
For you i bleed myself dry

Its true look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine
look at the stars look how they shine for you

Miscarriage...and why people don't talk about it

I often wondered why people never really talked about having a miscarriage. The statistics are that 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in miscarriage. You'd think, with those odds, it would be a common place conversation. I'm starting to realize why its not. Its been 1 week and 3 days since I found out that our baby was gone. From last Monday to last Wednesday all I felt was shock, disbelief and hopeless sadness.

Last Thursday I had the actual miscarriage. My doctor tried to talk me into having a D&C, basically the same small surgical procedure as an abortion. I opted to have it naturally. So for 3 days I waited. It could have been worse, some people wait and it never happens naturally. But Thursday morning at 5am the cramps started. I would have been entering my 12th week of pregnancy. Only a week and a half and I would have been "in the clear" more or less. That might be one of the worst parts of this. Pregnancy weeks, for me, went by so slow, each week felt like two.

So for 2-3 hours the pain was bad, but manageable. Only the equivalent of the worst period cramps I've had. The final hour was 10x that pain. Its the first time I've ever cried becuase a pain was so intense. Finally it was over. The most awful experience of my life so far, and hopefully the worst, was over.

I should have opted for the D&C.

For the next couple days all I wanted to do was tell everyone of the pain, and wondered why more people didn't talk about it. Pain is so relative. My doctor said it would be painful. My theory was, my body is made to do these things, why have an unnecessary procedure. My doctor, as well as others, told me there were two reasons, pain, and emotional pain. And now I know. All of this is true.

The memory of the physical pain fades quickly. And now the deep sadness is all that lingers. At least with physical pain, there is an end in sight. With my current pain, I see no light at the end of a tunnel. All I see is darkness.

There have been good days and bad days. Life still keeps going, that can be hard. Seeing others forget your experience quickly and then its just you and your memories.

Burned in my mind, is the fateful image from last Monday's ultrasound. The baby, in just a few short weeks, had grown from an unidentifiable blob, into a fully recognizable tiny baby. Arms and legs, fingers and toes. I wonder if this wouldn't have been so hard if I hadn't seen that image. It seems like it would be so much easier to let something go when it was just a blob. In this case, I'll never know.

The doctor said we could start trying again in a couple months. The thought of this gives me horrible visions of more miscarriages, and deeper sadness. A week and a half later, I'm still in shock and as sad as the day we found out. How long will this last?

I guess at this time all I can do is thank my lucky stars that I have people in my life that have been the best support I could have ever wanted. My family, friends, and of course C.

My dearest husband, C, was so unbelievably there for me. I love him more now than I ever thought was possible. Even in his own shock and grief he was able to pick me off the ground before I was swallowed into complete darkness. He held my hand through every poke and prod. He is full of constant reassurances that we will move past this and someday have a healthy happy baby of our very own. He will be the best father someday.

And then there was none...

On Saturday night I started spotting dark. Sunday morning there was some red. I called the doctor and she wanted me in on Monday morning for an ultrasound. C and I both knew as soon as we saw that little baby that something was wrong. There was no heartbeat. It had stopped growing two weeks ago.

I started cramping and bleeding more yesterday.

We are heartbroken and devastated. No words can describe how horrible this feeling is.

I can't believe this is happening... how could this be happening? Can someone please wake me up from this nightmare.

To our baby: We loved you already. You are dearly missed.

10 Weeks!

Here I am at 10 weeks, no change again, but I feel like a fat ass if that counts?!

Irrational Fears

I can't be the only one who has a major issue with peeing in public restrooms.

You'd think after 3 years, I would have gotten used to peeing in the bathroom at work. Guess again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a freak. Most of the time its fine. But today was different.

It all started this morning. I walked into the bathroom at 7:30am to complete silence. Something was wrong. I just stood there. Harsh realization #1: the loud ventilation fan was not on. It was DEAD silent. Luckily I was the only one on the 2nd floor this early in the morning, so no big deal.

Later that day, harsh realization #2: Crap, I'm pregnant, I have to use the bathroom every five minutes!!

Oh joyous of joys! Somehow I got lucky, no one ever seemed to be using the bathroom at the same time as me today! Until after lunch. I should have known there would be a rush after everyone slurped down there sodas/coffee/waters!

Harsh realization #3: Walking into a bathroom with 8 stalls that are half full in complete silence is not as bad as having to walk right back out becuase I cannot handle the thought of people hearing me pee.

Solution: Visit multiple bathrooms until finding an empty one. Then, pee as fast as possible.

9 Weeks!

I feel like I'm doing pretty well (knock on wood)I've only had a few bouts of what I consider Morning Sickness. My worst symptom so far is the fact that NOTHING sounds appetizing. Think of those days that your trying to plan dinner and in your mind you're saying "um...no that sounds gross" and you end up eating cereal or something. That's how I feel all the time. Other than that and getting dizzy periodically I'd say I'm lucky!

Here is my latest bloaty photo and updates on baby's growth.

8 Weeks!

Ok, this is major bloat to me, ick. Enjoy.

7 Weeks!

Here is the 7 week bloat picture! I actually see a difference, all because there is something the size of a blueberry in me!

First Appointment

Yesterday we had our first appointment! We were able to see the heartbeat for the first time! It was so cute fluttering away, the rate was 118, which they said was normal.

My next appointment is scheduled for 5 weeks from now. This will be at the end of the first trimester!

New Furniture

We got our new living room set yesterday! I think its so comfortable, but a little to big for the room though. Maybe it will fit better in our next house.