Shock and Awe...someness

Surprise.

Can you believe it? I honestly never thought I would ever in my whole life be surprised by a pregnancy.

...I mean, granted, I obviously knew there was a chance, duh, no BC pills, not trying to avoid or anything.

But...C and I literally, JUST had the:

"when do you want to get serious about TTC again..?"

conversation right AFTER I ovulated (I think).

I had kinda been half-assed charting, as you can see here.

I mean, shit, I even said to him, "not sure I'm ready, or when when I'll be ready, but it will probably take so long might as well start now."

Anyway, it is unbelievably nice to be surprised.

So that was pretty much my reaction as I sat on the toilet trying not to drip pee on myself capping the test, and amazingly seeing two, yes TWO pink lines pop up almost instantly!

I pretty much forgot to stand up afterward, thinking, um...is this for real?? Then FUCK! Why didn't I pee in a cup so I could confirm with a second test?!?! Now I won't have to pee for like hours!

Not to worry, I chugged a bunch of water and bought $50.00 worth of tests to confirm again...and again....and keep for my more paranoid moments (which I can guarantee I will have).

Please refer to last time

So I guess the point of this post, if there is, in fact, a point, is that I'm freakin excited.

Last pregnancy, about at this point, I was already having some pretty serious doubts as to whether things would work out. (we all know how that story ended)

This time feels very different, kind of a combination of both the 1st and 2nd time. I'm very happy, but not naive, I'm feeling hopeful but not oblivious.

I am going to really focus on making the most of this pregnancy, stay positive, and plan ahead so I have fun things and milestones to look forward to.

I think I'll start thinking about the nursery, can't go wrong with decorating as a distraction!

Also, my first u/s is scheduled for January 19th!

Third Times a Charm...?

BEST Christmas Present EVER:

School update #bAzzZzillioNnNnn

I'm fucked.

They suck...screwed me... stupid bastards.

I have to take a class. Not just any class. I full blown upper division course at the university. FUCK.

That is not only time consuming, but expensive, and for the love of crap, I have to actually think and put effort in.

:: sobs into pillow....errr...keyboard::

You know, I always joked that "hahaha...this is never going to end...hahaha"

Ya well...look what happens, I probably cursed it with my own stupid pessimism.

Whatever I can't actually do anything about this anyway. I might as well try to find something interesting.

BTW I totally just realized that this doesn't have an automatic spell check.

Um.

Ewwww.

WTF.

I am officially mortified, disgusted, and abhorred.

Shit. Now after that bad news I have to go back through every freakin post EVER and spell check!!???!!!

Jerks.

Now I know what I must do. I can sign up for a super high level spelling class.

Kill two birds with one stone.

Once again, I prove to be a freakin genious.

Take that school! Take that blogger!

Progress Report

A. I am still a raging bitch.

B. I am still not smoking, this is day 4.

c. I swear C is being pissy too, but keeps blaming it on me, I'm not...exactly...sure who is right, how would I know?!?!

::gives C evil side eye::

(if you are confused please refer to 'A' above)


I think I'll drink wine and bake something sweet after work.

Seriously... how could that not make me feel better?!

I Quit

Yesterday was Day 1. Terrible. Just terrible.

Frankly though, I don't think I'm very open about the fact that I smoke with everyone (like I'm pretty sure I've never even mentioned it in a post before).

I think the reason I'm writing about this is, it has been a long time. On and off for maybe 10 years. I've quit, started again, quit again, and so on. I've always been embarrassed by it. I know it is horrible for you, yet I love it at the same time. I think by admitting this out in the open like this it will give me a sense of accountability.

Stupid Nicotine.

With C's recent blood clot scare, it has given us more incentive to quit together. I'm not gonna lie, it SUCKS. I mean really sucks.

Yesterday's Withdraw Symptoms:

1. Tingly - EVERYWHERE

2. I want to kill someone. Literally, murder someone. For some reason yesterday it just seemed morally ok, as it usually does when I first quit.

3. Don't effing talk to me, ever. -aimed at everyone, sorry C :(

Today, Day 2:

Today has been better. It helps that I can stay locked up in my tiny cubicle, not having to speak with anyone. I read the worst of it is from 24-48 hours, I'm over halfway there! And Feeling overall more positive!

Symptoms:

1. Tingly - but not as bad

2. Murderous feelings - not so bad either! But today is only half way over...

3. I can't stop eating!!! Literally I've eaten like 10 cookies today, and if I hadn't run out I could keep going.

Hopefully tomorrow I can either find a healthy substitute for the insatiable hunger, or at least avoid anyone with cookies.

Weight Loss...or lack there of....

The weight loss progress has been slow and, frankly, pretty awful.

I don't know what is wrong with me this time around, but I'm pretty sure I've been steadily gaining weight instead of losing.

My friend, A, came up with a great incentive that we are both working toward. Awesome store in San Francisco she found called Bettie Page, all vintage pin-up 50's and 60's style clothing! Click on the image to check it out!





Here are my own personal incentive dresses:








If the prospect of me looking hot in these dresses doesn't work...



then nothing will.











(I actually think I may have used this post title before? Hopefully that is a good sign!)

October, November, December, oh my!

::insert face of shame here::

I really can't believe it has been so long since I've written. I was doing so well, even posting regularly.

Oh well, what's done is done, I'll move on...

So let's see here...what is new...?

Instead of posting some gigantic long-winded update, I'll keep it brief and promise to continue to updated at least a little more regularly.


1. I got a new job, awesomely exciting, amazing place, better pay, good stuff :)

2. More speed-bumps in the graduation process, still plugging along though, I'm hoping it will happen eventually.

3. I started charting again. ::gag::

4. I guess if January rolls around and I'm not pregnant I'll face the whole fertility specialist thing.

5. I got a really cute Kate Spade purse, on 75% off Cyber Monday:



6. I've been considering going public with this blog, aka post on FB. Still considering. I mean honestly...it isn't like I don't share EVERYTHING with everyone I talk to anyway...hmmmm....

7. I know there has been a ton more stuff but I can't think of anything right now.

Until next time! And I promise it won't be 3 months...

:)

Fa.... La La La La... La La... La... Laaaaaa....

Wow, I'm bad! I haven't posted in a month.

I guess I just haven't had anything really new or exciting to post!

I actually still don't have anything, but you know me, I can always fine something to go on and on about.

Let's see...whats new....hmmmm....

Work: still no new job, old job still sucks ass.

School: They lost my graduation application ::freak out:: then they found it

::sigh of relief::

Fertility: I am on my second real period, sweet! Next month is Cameron's birthday, it would be cool if I got pregnant. Not holding my breath. I'm enjoying NOT worrying about that shit.

::stress free sigh::

Weather: Awesome! Rainy, chilly, fabulous!

Busy-meter: off the chart!

I'll try to update later, I have a few events coming and will have some fun pictures in theory :)

p.s. as I'm typing this I hear someone's phone start ringing. They song is the Psycho big knife shower scene song. YIKES. Tis the season!

You'll never guess....updates that are NOT depressing!

See!

Aren't you glad you didn't give up on me!

Just when you thought I'd sunk to some all-time low of boredom and depressingness, I give you a fun update!

1. C and I tried a cooking class! I guess I should update this with recipes, I'll do that later. Either way, it was totally fun! Here is a picture:



How cool is that?! It even looks like a cooking show!

2. C and I went Kayaking for the first time! I was super nervous, but it turned out to be very fun and relaxing! I also realized I have no upper body strength. (If you continue you can read more about my lack of muscle, below)

This is C, action mode!



3. C, his Dad, and our neighbor P have almost completed the fence!! I have been bad about posting my usual step-by-step project progress pictures, but you can see here, that it is pretty sweet.



4. My knees feel better!!! Cheers to my body! Back to working out!

And Finally, last but not least:


5. I started my period.

A REAL PERIOD.

Thank you body! It only took 4 freakin months!!!!!

Back to the drawing board

It has been a few weeks since I've posted.

The first week to two weeks after my epiphany of being "done" were great. I felt like a weight had lifted.

I had my onsite interview for the job that I REALLY wanted, which I totally rocked. I got over all of my doctor stupidness, no more TTC shit, etc. I started working out, boot camp style.

Everything was looking brighter.

Last Monday I royally fucked up both of my knees. Not sure what happened, but I have been in a lot of pain. Having trouble walking, the whole sha-bang.

Meanwhile, with the acquisition in full force, my days are numbered at my current job.

Yesterday I found out I didn't get the job. Absolutely beyond disappointing.

So, I have a doctor appointment on Friday to x-ray my knees and assess the situation. I had to quit my boot camp, which was majorly depressing because it was feeling great to be active again, and I was already losing weight and getting more toned.

It is funny how quickly things can spiral downhill. I was doing so well.

Oh well, time to start back from square one.

100th Post

Wow, this seems totally appropriate.

Almost like a sign.

This post was originally going to be called, A New Start. That is...until I saw it was the 100th and then changed the title.

Either way, I'm rambling...but how exciting!

I woke up this morning and I was happy. I spent a long time talking to C last night about all of our options, what we want to do and how to proceed. I know we are on the same page with letting go and in theory, just being surprised if it is meant to be. I feel like we cleared the air and I woke up to a new start this morning.

Issue of the day: I'm still waiting to hear back about the job I've been interviewing for over the past couple of months. I will, of course, update when I hear something, good or bad. (please let it be good, please let it be good!)

Thank you all for for being here with me the past 100 posts!!

I'm Done.

I often wondered over the past 2 years when or if I would hit my breaking point. I guess I found out. I hit it today.

It started out when I went to the doctor yesterday, she had an emergency C-section and I had to reschedule for this morning. When I got home last night I thought I was going blind in one eye, everything got fuzzy, no peripheral vision. I made C drive me to the eye doctor, I was freaking out. As I sat there for an hour waiting it went away.

It was a panic attack.

On my way to the doctor this morning I had come close to deciding to be put back on birth control pills. I am so done with this. I ended up deciding against it, I'll let things happen if they are meant to.

Apparently, I am fine. I guess my "fake out" no bleeding period like things have just been my body trying to get on track. Saturday's random gush of blood was my period. According to the ultrasound I'm going to ovulate soon. Blood work is normal.

I got back in the car, ready to drive to work. I broke down. It should have been good news, but it wasn't good to me, I don't even know what it was.

Just terrible reminder that everything can be "fine" and completely not fine at the same time.

I am suffering. My relationship with C is suffering. My mind is obviously suffering.

On my reluctant drive to work, I decided I need a change.

I said my goodbyes to my forum, which have been such a great help these past 2 years. I deleted anything baby/period/fertility related from my phone and computer. I am going to give away all of my Ovulation kits, pregnancy tests and books to fellow TTC'er. Like I said, I decided not to go on birth control so I guess I'm not trying, and not preventing either.

If it happens then it happens, if not, then C and I can reassess the situation when we feel the time is right. Right now is not the right time.

I will still keep up this blog, it isn't supposed to be all fertility related anyway. I never knew that this would be what my life was about when I started this.

I hope that the posts I create going forward are more positive, happy, and stress-free.

For all of you who have followed my journey, I appreciate your support and friendship, and words of wisdom in the comments you leave.

And I thank you for being here with me and for taking the time to read my words even though they rarely tell a story of joy.

Big Week

Now that I am over my dramatic emo moment I have a lot to focus on this week.

I interviewed last week for a job that I REALLY would love to get. I should hear back by the end of this week, one way or the other.



C and his dad are going to build a fence this weekend, between our neighbors house and ours. It will be SO nice to have something like that done. Most of the backyard projects we've been talking about for 3 years, and it seems that things are finally happening!

It will look kind of like this:




Then, finally, I finally have a doctor's appointment today.

Last week I went in to get blood drawn for, what they call a recurrent loss panel. It was about 9 vials they test for a variety of Thyroid, autoimmune, and blood clotting disorders.

They will also give me an ultrasound, my fingers are crossed that there is no scar tissue or anything requiring another procedure.

Also, the big question. Where is my period?

Sometimes I want to give up

Dear Diary,

I guess I just had a really bad weekend.

I had to miss two of my girl's events. I hate how my body/fertility issues always find a way to sneak into other parts of my life.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. I am scared that I will get bad news or have to have another procedure, or even that they will prescribe meds to force my body to start working again.

Forcing my body to do something is how I landed here in the first place, with the D&C.

My body, obviously, does whatever it wants, then punishes me for trying to push it.

All weekend, while dealing with intense pain and other awful things I just kept thinking: how can I do this all again?

Even when my period does decide to show up. Then what? Try again for another 6 months to a year? Then what? Get pregnant? Then what? Miscarry again?

Shit.

I just can't even imagine.

I want to give up.

I spend time imagining myself growing older without children.

Would I eventually learn to be ok with that?

Would C stay with me? Or run off to find some fertile broad.

I know it may sound dramatic. I don't care. These are the actual thoughts I have.

I'm willing to give it one more shot. Deal with whatever happens this time, put myself through the pain.

If I get my period, if I get pregnant again, and if I should miscarry again I don't know how I will be able to try again.

Honestly though, I guess even thinking about it now... the idea of how ridiculously long it might take to even get to the point of miscarrying again.

I mean it could be a year from now, easily.

I will have probably long forgotten this day, as this is only one of the many countless days I've thought of giving up.

I know it won't be the last.

Thanks, diary, for listening. Next time I promise for some good news, or at least a more positive attitude.

12 weeks ago

I had my D&C procedure.

Still no period.

WTF.

I gave up on the voodoo tampon, as it is obviously not helping.

My Nemesis: The Backyard

This backyard, my first, my only that I have owned has been the most difficult part of the house makeover.

3 years.

yes.

3 years.

This is how long it has taken us to get to this point. It seemed so simple at first. But the cost was high, the work was hard.

We are so close to having a useable yard, I can't even believe it.

I might actually cry.

::insert classical music in background for tear-jerking happiness reaction::

(just kidding, I'll wait until I finish this post)

My yard, in photos, worth much more than a 1,000 words.



Backyard Part 1

The beginning, before we had the shed/garages torn down:



Backyard Part 2

(warning: scary image below):



Backyard Part 3

Possibly, slightly better?:



Backyard Part 4

After yesterday's Bobcat attack:

(BTW I'm standing in the middle on the side of the yard, there is a whole mess of space behind me too!)



ahhh, the sweet smell of progress :)

My Niece and the Vanishing Baby

My niece, M, is such a cutie, she is 3 1/2 and looks so much like me. When my sister and I have been out with her people have confused her as my daughter since she was born. I outwardly approve of this and am smug, my sister pouts then gives me shit all the time about it.

M is at that age where she is such a handful, but she always makes up for it with her cutie-isms, the sweet things she says, and how affectionate she is.

Last night was Monday night dinner at Mom's. M was sitting on my lap, being all snuggly and cute like she does. All of a sudden she looks down at my belly and starts a conversation about the baby.

M: "Is your baby still in there?" (points to my stomach)

Me: "no shoog, it's not there right now"

M: "why not?"

Me: "um...because it can take a long time to make a baby."

M: "I thought she was in there?" (I think she assumes it is a girl because she is a girl, not because she actually knew it was a girl)

Me: "not right now, but someday."

M: "I think I have a baby in me too! Right here..." (points to her belly)

Then, thank god I was able to distract her by explaining how she will soon give birth to a puppy, which she found very amusing.

That happened one other time a month or so ago, I was able to avoid the conversation.

Who would have thought I would have to try to find the words to explain my fertility situation to a 3 year old. Yikes.

Note to self: Tell sister not to mention anything to M next time I am pregnant.

Here we are a year or so ago:

Me and My Infertile Avocado Tree

C wants to cut down our Avocado tree in the backyard.

It is fairly large, probably old, but it is also messy, has some dried branches, and isn't that pretty.

I keep arguing that I don't want to cut it down. I like it, I don't know why, I just do.

Over the weekend we decided to start building a fence between our house and one of the neighbors (there is a half-assed, pieced together, chest high fence currently that isn't cutting it).

The avocado conversation started again.

C: "I feel like you have an unhealthy attachment to the avocado tree." he pokes at me laughing.

Me: "I feel sorry for it, I don't want to cut it down, what if it is old?" (pouting)

C: "It doesn't even produce avocados." (side eye)

Me: "Maybe we just need to get a male tree to put next to it."

C: "hmmm............no."

Me: "ok fine, I'll just steal a branch from another tree and sprinkle avocado seed dust all over it."

C: "I think I know the problem." (smiles understandingly and pats my knee)

Me: "What is the problem...?"

C: "I think you sympathize with the tree."

***long pause, thinking, thinking, thinking...***

Me: (light bulb over head moment)

"Oh.my.god......the tree is like me, infertile. C, you are so insightful." (hangs head, feeling lame about being sad for my infertile tree)

C: "Don't feel bad. Lets buy some avocados and glue them all over the tree, it can adopt them."

(insert hysterical laughter)

So there it is. The tree and I have something in common.

I wonder if I'll start being jealous of the neighbor's, heavily fruiting, grapefruit tree now.

School update part 2,000,000

My grade change went through!!!

I'm one HUGE step closer to finally finishing my degree! All that is left is submitting my application to graduate! Woo Hoo!



p.s. this is a great example of what I use Snagit for... :)

Something I really like, Snagit

SNAGIT!!! Yes, Snagit. First of all, how could you not LOVE saying the word Snagit. I seriously smile almost every time I say it, or think about it, or write about it.

I'm smiling like a fool right now!

If you don't know what Snagit ::smiles:: is let me just tell you.

It is an awesome program that allows you to take screenshots of anything, small, large, pink, purple, anything! You can manipulate the image. Add writing, circle things, point arrows at stuff. It is just the bee's knees.

example:



Anyway, I just thought I would share. I should get paid for this, as it is pretty much an advertisement.

You can download a free 30 day trial.

BEST. PROGRAM. EVER.

(or at least the best one that I know about)

Ok...this is getting a little ridiculous.

If anyone is curious why I haven't brought up any fertility related subjects for a while, it is because...I'm still waiting.

For my period to start, that is.

I'm 60 days post D&C.

I had painful cramps yesterday. Today I'm sore and bruised feeling which is awful.

I can't continue the testing process or get blood work done until something happens. RAR!


Dear Body,

Please start working.

That would be great.

Thanks.

4th of July

I've been really getting into C's awesome camera. I LOVE it. My pictures used to look so crappy, now so many look professional, it's fantastic!

I got some great shots at my in-law's July 4th BBQ.

I impress myself.

Vacation Photos

Had such a great time, so relaxing, we totally needed that!

This was our view:





I caught my first fish ever! Then I caught 3 more!





Mmmmm....fried fish:



I look tired because we got up at the butt crack of dawn to head home:



Can't wait to have such a nice trip again soon :)

Vacation starts today!!!

So ready for our vacation! C is still sleeping, but I still have stuff to do, so it works out.

Funny how when we used to go on road trips we'd be out of the house by 5am, now we are lucky to roll out by 10am.

Either way we'll hit rush hour in San Francisco, so it doesn't really matter :/

Anyway, I haven't been out of town in a long time. Well... I did go to San Diego a couple months ago. But so much has happened in between then and now, this break feels necessary for sure.

I will come back with lots of pictures. Possibly I will be able to blog. Apparently the internet has a mind of it's own, and sometimes doesn't feel like participating. But, I'll do what I can.

Have a nice weekend!


(edit...um...it fell off for some reason, I'm already back! Post to follow!)

OMG you'll never guess!

I found out today my raise and promotion was approved.

Effective July 3rd I'll be officially an Analyst level.

Small increase in pay, slightly higher bonus target, and I am now salaried.

I thought when it finally happened I would be super stoked.

It only took 3 years to convince my boss that I am not worthless.

Who knew!?

I'm still about $10,000 underpaid. But, hey, it's a start!

Now I can focus on interviewing to get the F out of here :)

Just Shoot Me

I just got an update from the school. They were pleased to tell me that my grade change has now been approved by the Chair of my department. It will now be moving on to the College of Social Sciences and then the Undergraduate Studies department for approval.

WTF.

I was under the impression that it was nearing the end of the road.

It has been 4 months.

But no, apparently it has to sit on the first person's desk for 4 months waiting for one signature.

So, by my calculations, it will take another 4 months for the next office to approve or deny, then 4 more months for the final department to approve or deny.

Then it will be sent to the department of the Registrar to be input into the system, which will probably take less time, I'd say, 2 months.

I think by April 2012 it might be completed! Sweet! Total time from start to finish will be about a year and a half.

I realize that the administrators are so busy though.

::insert ridiculously flamboyant eye roll here::

Email chain conversation with Employee

Background: Employee's check is not deposited correctly via direct deposit. Paper check is sent.

Employee:

"Someone told me if I had a money problem, to speak with Katy and she would give me some of hers.

So how do I get that?

Should I just drop by and pick up the cash?"

Me:

"Sure, come by today I'll have a suitcase full of cash, I found it in my boss's office, so we'll split it."

Employee:

(regarding paper check mailed)

"I tried depositing it on line, stuck the check in the CD tray on the computer, and that did not work.

There is no where on my phone to stick the check, so I guessed, and was correct, that my only option was to bring it to the bank. They actually had real people working there, and people called tellers, that would personally take care of my transactions. Awesome idea."

Me:

"Wow, how modern. I wonder who came up with that idea? I bet that person is a billionaire. I think I may have seen one before, aren't those the people that dress in green visors, suspenders, and wear arm bands to hold their sleeves up. Oh wait... nevermind...I think that is a casino poker dealer.

note to self: design way to deposit paper check into computer for bank deposit. I'll give you some credit for my million dollar invention idea."

P.S. - if you are reading this post, please do not steal my idea. If you do, you will owe me royalties. 25% of any dollar cashed via "computer check deposit system" for the rest of my life.

On second thought...please steal my idea, I would rather do no work and get the royalties.

Thanks in advance.

My weekend in pictures

Friday, I woke up to this:



Saturday morning, C and I drove out to an area that has lots of hills, used to be a mercury mining town, we went on a hike:



What...? You can't tell I'm hiking... you mean the iced coffee, nice outfit, and Kate Spade bag don't scream outdoorsy to you?

We also saw tad poles:



Next we visited C's grandma in Santa Cruz, she gave me a bunch of succulents to fix up my pretty wreath.

Half way done:



Completed masterpiece:



Sunday we had a BBQ with the neighbors, one made escargot, I forgot to take a picture of that. We brought clams:



The Men, exactly where they belong:

Oh my, another one of those days, God, I'm self centered

Honestly, I don't even like writing this post.

I feel like I should say something though.

So here goes...

1 year ago today I miscarried my first baby. I should have a 6 month old right now.

There, done, I'm sure I could dwell on it and make a big long ordeal about it and go on and on and on and on. But I don't want to. Most of those that are reading this already know the story. And if you don't, you can read it here. It was not a good day.

Here's the deal.

I feel like a big sad sack. I don't even want to talk to friends much anymore because every thing I say comes out like a freakin pity-party. Not cool.

Over the past few weeks, since miscarriage #2 I've been trying to become more zen and offer myself some much-needed change.

I updated my blog, gave it a new look, linked it to a domain name, so it is all mine, ALL mine (Bwahahahaha)

I changed my personal look, new hair color, starting my weight loss again, new nail polish, etc.

C and I have planned a getaway, plus slowly planning a larger Europe trip.

Other good things are coming soon. I'm interviewing, possibly getting a raise/promotion, and trying hard to get my school shit taken care of.

C and I are trying very hard not to focus on what we don't have (baby), and what we do have (lots of other junk).

These things are good.

I just hope people don't consider me the self-centered, egotistical, shit-bag that I feel like most of the time.

For anyone who does feel that way, well... you can sleep tight tonight, knowing that I am fully aware of these issues, and I'm working on it.

That is all.

Oh, and happy Friday :)

Would you call me....

A crazy cat lady, if I built this in my living room?




Because I think my 3 fuzzies would LOVE it!

Hmmmm.....

Not sure C would let that slide though...