3 weeks

Today it has been 3 weeks since my D&C. I'm seeing the doctor this afternoon for a follow up exam, test results, and next steps.

Some days are difficult. Today is one of those days. First thing I see on FB is a pregnancy announcement with a due date the same week as mine would have been. Ouch.

C and I also had a conversation over the weekend about TTC and the toll it has taken on us emotionally. We decided that I should take a break from charting. That we should take it as it comes and just let it happen instead of trying to force it.

This brings many mixed emotions. I realize that I'm lucky, that my cycles are very regular. I know that I probably don't need to chart. I just feel like it gives me something to keep me occupied.

I guess it will probably be good. We are going to focus on things we want to do, goals, planning trips, etc. Obviously I'm not sure what the doc will suggest as far as next steps, I think we really will have to decide what to do based on our options.

Anyway, I don't know where I was going with this post. I guess I'll be able to say more after my apt. I guess sometimes shit just sucks. I'll leave you with this quote I found:

Triploidy

So, last Friday I got a call from my OB. She said she had our fetal tissue testing results and wanted to give them over the phone before she left for vacation.

She seemed genuinely surprised by the fact that the results came back abnormal. She said the results showed a chromosome abnormality called Triploidy.

The only good description I found on HealthLine.com.

"Triploidy is a rare lethal chromosome abnormality caused by the presence of an entire extra set of chromosomes. A fetus with triploidy has 69 chromosomes, rather than 46. The majority of fetuses with triploidy are spontaneously miscarried during pregnancy. Those that survive until birth will have severe growth retardation and multiple birth defects. This condition is incompatible with life."

"Triploidy occurs in several different ways. The extra set of chromosomes can be inherited from the father (paternal inheritance) or they can be from the mother (maternal inheritance). The most common mechanism for triploidy is the fertilization of a single egg by two sperm. This results in a triploid egg with two sets of paternal chromosomes and one set of maternal chromosomes."

"Fetuses with triploidy can be 69,XXX (female), 69,XXY (male), or 69,XYY (male). Twenty-three chromosomes (or one set) is referred to as a haploid set of chromosomes, 46 chromosomes (or two sets) is referred to as a diploid set of chromosomes, and 69 chromosomes (or three sets) is referred to a triploid set of chromosomes. A fetus with triploidy has three haploid sets of chromosomes."

Our baby was XXX - a girl.

I don't think I really wanted to know what it was. But I guess when you are talking about chromosomes it kind of just comes up.

The OB still wants us to come in for our follow up appointment on Tuesday, to see how everything is going, and to talk in more detail about our results and "next steps."

She wants to send us to a Genetic Counselor to talk in greater detail about our risk factors and odds. I have about a million questions and unfortunately one thing this diagnosis has brought back are all the questions about the first miscarriage. Too bad we'll never know.

Overall I'm doing well. It has been over two weeks since my D&C. My body feels pretty much back on track. C and I are going to wait to start trying again after we have a more clear picture about what will happen the next pregnancy, or how we even get to the next pregnancy.

I've been working on a fun project and am getting my hair done tomorrow! I'll post about those later with before and after pics!

Today is my Friday, YAY! I plan on enjoying my long weekend with lots of booze and fun!

good things and bad things

I'm surprised at how well I'm doing with all that has gone on. I think others are surprised as well. I've been waiting for the emotions to really hit me. They have, at times, but not to nearly the same extent as last time.

I have many things to be thankful for. The friends in my life that are always there for me, my husband and family, my house and fuzzy little animals that make me smile.

There are many good things.

I know that life isn't always easy, and that everyone struggles at one point or another with things that are outside of their control. I am not being singled out. I'm just going through the same thing that so many others have. It doesn't mean I have to like it, but I can cope.

I wish none of this had happened. But I cannot go back and change anything. And, even if I could go back, I couldn't have done anything to make it a different outcome.

I have some things in my life that are incomplete, things that I need to work on and fix to improve myself. I think now is a good time to start.

Here is the list I've come up with so far:

1. Weight loss - lose 20lbs
2. Finish my last steps toward my degree
3. Continue to work on my anxiety problems
4. Find a new job
5. Get organized, try to get things done before they are an issue

I am going to try to move forward without letting my life revolve around getting pregnant (or staying pregnant) it isn't healthy. There are so many other things in life that are passing me by because I have not been able to see outside of my little world. So many things that I should be taking care of, but I ignore.

Obviously, I'm not dumb, I realize that I will still think about it, but I will not let myself be consumed with it. C and I have decided not to start trying again until we have some answers. This will make a perfect time to kick start my new mentality. I will at least have a couple of months head start. I'm hoping to make a good dent in my list and come up with many more things along the way.

Also, on another note, I'd like to thank all of you that have helped us through through these difficult times, sent flowers, made sure I was doing ok, or just offered an ear to listen. We both really appreciate it, and we will be ok.

Dilation and Curettage

I went in on Tuesday for a D&C. I got to the surgical center at 11:30am, filled out some paperwork and then went back into the pre-op area. After getting into my gown, ugly socks, and stupid hat the nurse fixed me up with an IV drip.

C was able to come sit with me then until I was rolled away.

I thought the most scary part would be at that point. Getting into the operating room. It turned out I was nicely distracted by nurses and doctors that were in there chatting away and playing music. I had to scoot over from the bed onto the operating table. I laid my head down and the anesthesiologist leaned toward me and said he'd injected the "relaxing meds" into my IV. My doctor walked toward me and asked me if I was feeling better. I said no, she laughed and said "you will." One of the nurses reached over to strap my right arm down to some kind of restraint. I looked to my left to see if the other arm would also be restrained. Just as I was trying tell them to watch out for the IV (which hurt to put in so I really didn't want them accidentally ripping it out) I must have been knocked out.

I woke up, in what felt like only a few minutes. I felt my bed come to a stop in the recovery room.

There was lots of babbling and talking, none of which was important. Apparently my doctor came in to talk to me also, I don't have any recollection of that.

The rest of the day was just a blur, I was very tired and weak. No pain, minimal bleeding, it was ok.

I thought, after that fear was no longer an issue I would break down. I didn't.

Yesterday I was tired. My abdomen sore, tender, bruised, whatever. No pain, mild discomfort.

I sit here now sad. I am disappointed. Even though I had feelings for weeks that something wasn't right, knowing deep inside that this wouldn't work, it still sucks. There is nothing that can take those feelings away at this point. I have kept myself busy, tried to avoid thinking about it.

Once again, leave it to me, I have many silver linings.

In pre-op my doctor came in to talk to C and I before my procedure. She immediately wanted our permission to test the fetus and tissue. Just by her saying this I was so relived that we were all on the same page, and that she didn't think that we should wait for the 3rd loss. She seemed concerned, saying that having back to back miscarriages, taking over 6 months to get pregnant each time, and how the fetus growth stopped at around the same place each time, was suspicious. (I couldn't agree more)

She also told me at this point we'd start doing a lot of testing. She wanted to test all my hormone levels, once my body was back in it's regular cycle. She also wants to test for any blood clotting disorders, or autoimmune and thyroid issues.

Lastly she suggested that after the testing and results were in she wanted to refer us to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) basically a fertility specialist. She said she realized how long it had taken to get pregnant each time, and thinks we should get help to speed up the process.

That was the first time since we've seen her that I felt like she took us seriously. It was such a huge relief. Prior to that she just quoted statistics about TTC for a year before testing, and how miscarriages were 1/4 and even how my odds might be slightly worse this time around. Which they obviously were.

I think what has kept me strong and held together is the fact that I know that before we even start trying again we'll have answers.

Even if the only answer is that there was nothing specific wrong, it was just an abnormality. I think even knowing that would make me feel like getting pregnant is guaranteed to end in loss.

No heatbeat and a D&C

Sunday morning I woke up and peed.

And there it was. More bright red.

Its over.

I had already known it. But here was the confirmation I was waiting for.

Even with this, I decided to wait it out a little while before telling C.

I got up, dressed, fed the cats, then went back to the bathroom again. And there was more. I had been cramping most of the night. Not bad. Just mild period like cramping.

C was outside watering. I walked out and told him that I thought it was over.

We decided to just get the news over with.

We drove to the ER.

I feel like I knew this was coming for weeks at this point. I didn't think C was quite on the same page.

He isn't in my body, he doesn't see what I see every time I go to the bathroom. I just knew, and there was no way he could have.

We spent 3 or so hours at the ER. I kept it light, made him take a picture of me in my hospital gown with my wrist tags. We laughed a lot, joked about how we would come in healthy and leave sick with all the germs.

I think we both knew that we would leave without laughter, so it was best to get in a last few moments of happiness while there was still time.

We had the ultrasound. We waited for blood work. The doctor came in to confirm what we already knew. I got my Rohgam shot, and we were calling our parents and then on our way home.

At this point it was the afternoon and we hadn't eaten. We stopped to get something and brought it home.

It wasn't until I got back into my pajamas and sat on the couch with my lunch that I broke down.

Such an unfortunate thing to happen. And twice....

There will be time for my emotional comments later.

Since then I have been in a constant state of fear. Fear of having a D&C, fear of having a natural miscarriage before then. I think it has helped me to keep my mind of what has actually happened in a way. Or maybe it is what I think, and I just feel less damaged this time around.

Being put under anesthesia is on my top 5 worst fears. The plus side is, by the end of today I will have conquered one of my worst fears. The downside is that I will have to face one of my fears.

It will be better than what I went through last time. Which tells you how bad it was last time. I'd rather face this fear. I'd rather spare C all the awful traumatizing moments. It's better this way.

So here I sit, drinking my coffee, feeling a little more calm and relaxed than the past two days, waiting for my procedure which will be in about 5 hours.

I'll post again when it is over, when I no longer have a baby inside of me.

That is so weird, just as weird as last time.

and once again....

It's over.

Being pregnant is scary and that is all there is to it...period.

Dear Diary,

I got confirmation on Monday from the doctor everything looks fine, except for the unexplained bleeding. On Thursday I called and asked some questions I forgot about on Monday.

When will it stop? Answer: I don't know, it may not stop for weeks.

When should I be worried? Answer: Bright red or painful cramping.

Friday, on my way home from work I suddenly got a painful cramp. Crap. I continued to rush home, ran to the bathroom, and there it was, bright red. FUCK.

I was not even out of the bathroom as I was calling the doctor. I explained the situation and based on what I described, she told me to wait it out, that it was only a little and if it continues to go to the ER, then she put me on pelvic rest until we see the u/s on Tuesday.

FUCK.

I had a major meltdown.

I really really really REALLY don't want to go through this again.

"I can't believe its happening again," I told C.

Obviously he knew that it doesn't mean the end, I know it doesn't either, but its looking all too familiar.

Flashes of last time keep running through my head.

Thoughts that are so frustrating. Why is it that everyone in life I know seems to sail through pregnancy and not only that, but get pregnant within a few months.

What is wrong with me? What is wrong with my body? Again, I know this is pessimistic, I know that there is still a 50% chance that everything is as it should be. But none of this seems normal or common.

I hate this feeling of fear and loss of hope.

I didn't want to go to sleep but I wanted yesterday to be done with so I went to bed earlier.

I woke up in the middle of the night cramping. I decided to ignore it. Emotionally drained I know physically there isn't anything I can do to stop it. I went back to sleep. I woke up in the morning cramping. It went away. I finally woke up enough to get up at 7am or so. I layed there deeply dreading that trip to the bathroom.

No one should have to dread going to the bathroom. That is so unfair.

I went. Nothing substantial to report. I decided that gravity hadn't done it's part yet. I walked around, got a coffee. I went again. Nothing substantial. Brown. No bright red.

I'm not happy, my mind is not at ease, but for right now, I'm ok.

C went out this morning to get a tree for our yard.

I wandered around the house, thinking of what to do. I don't want to be on my feet at all. I just want to sit or lay down, controlling gravity as much as possible.

I don't want to tell the friends and family that do know that I'm pregnant about this. I think it is difficult to say out loud that it might be ending again. I realize that all of them can read this, and that is ok. I like to talk about it, but really I like to write it down. It eases my anxiety. To know that I'm putting it out there, that I'm not alone.

I feel very alone.

I feel a million miles away, even when I'm talking to C. No one is in my body with me, or in my mind.

After talking to my nurse on Thursday, she said the doctor wants me to come in for weekly ultrasounds. I was beyond thrilled. Especially because I didn't ask for this, or even hint that I wanted it. I know that is not normal practice.

My next u/s is Tuesday in the afternoon. It feels so far away.

I was so shocked to see a heartbeat at the last u/s. Shocked. I wasn't even excited because I kept thinking it was a mistake, a cruel trick. By the next day though, I had even stopped worrying about the spotting because I had the reassurance that the little thing inside of me was still growing.

I have such little hope that I will get the same reassurance on Tuesday.

I think that there are many reasons for this. Obviously the main one is the spotting.

The second reason is that a year ago today I found out I was pregnant for the first time. The day before Mother's Day. It just seems so completely terribly cruel to have that day have such a different meaning for me. I thought the due date of the last one would be the last true milestone. I've now come full circle and realize that those milestones continue. It is so strange. I wonder if the last one will be the date I had the miscarriage. Or maybe I will think of more later.

This topic alone brings to me the awful realization that if I have a second miscarriage I will have a completely new set of milestones.

I don't actually think it will be that way. I think I've de-emotionalized this situation so much that I'm scared of the physical part of a m/c and worrying about how long it might take to get pregnant again. Less sadness of losing an actual child, last time was all about losing a child.

Something C said after the m/c last time has helped me through this pregnancy and recovering after the loss, I try to keep it with me as a way to remind myself of something important, he said,

The child is in spirit form, the body that is being lost is merely the vessel. This vessel wasn't the right one. When the right vessel is created then the spirit will have a place to remain.

He said it more eloquently, and made references to a ship, but still, you get the gist. I am not religious, but I deeply believe that this is true, I have to believe it, otherwise the reality is too difficult to bear.

So I guess the point of this long winded, bitch-fest, vent, depressing tale is that,

We have gone through the worst once before.

We survived, even though we thought we wouldn't.

We moved on, even though we thought we couldn't.

We've grown stronger as a couple and individually, even though we felt weak.

If we have to we know we can do it again, even though we hope with every breath in us, pray to any god there might be, wish on every star that we see, that we won't have to.

I also hope that all of this whining and crying is for nothing, and that someday this child, that is sitting with me at this very moment can grow up, read this and know how badly we wanted him or her.

To the tiny parasite inside of me:

Please be sticky, please be safe.



Thanks, Diary, for listening, you always make me feel better.

edit- for personal documentation reasons - this u/s the doctor measured the baby at 8w1d and could not get an accurate heart rate. The next u/s done at the hospital a few days later there was no change in growth, meaning the growth probably stopped within 24 hours of the one written about here.

Scary few days and the green olive with pimento

Today I'm 9 weeks pregnant. I'm getting very close to bridging my last pregnancy.

Over the weekend I started spotting a lot of brown. I hadn't spotted at all so far, so this was very concerning. It just so happened that during the last pregnancy, the baby stopped growing at around 9 weeks. Right about now. This mixed with the spotting = scary.

I called the doc yesterday morning to let them know that I was spotting and had just started cramping. Luckily they had me come in for an ultrasound.

Oh. I can't even explain how hard it was to wait those 4 hours from when I spoke to the nurse and when the appointment was scheduled.

Agony.

C came with me, we met at home and drove to the office. Our drive consisted of talking about what happens when we find out the bad news and what to do next, and even silver linings of trying again.

It sounds negative, but anyone who has experienced a loss probably knows how it actually feels better to prep for bad news instead of pretending it will be good news. Or maybe that is just how we decided to treat it.

FINALLY we were let into the room by the tech who read my chart. She left, and a minute later the actual doctor came in and said he'd be doing it. I'm guessing it was because of my previous loss.

Doctor said he wanted to look at the images for a minute before he said anything. Luckily it was less than that and he said "look I see a heartbeat. Everything is fine."

WOW I was actually in shock, how could it be fine. I really thought it wouldn't be fine. I think C felt the same way, he was like "really?" sounding skeptical.

Then he zoomed in and we could see, a baby bigger than last time and a strong looking heartbeat.

Nice. We feel better. Not 100% but better. But better.

There was definitely fresh blood after that. And I continue to spot new and old blood. I'm trying not to worry about it. The doctor told us he, just simply, didn't know what the cause was. He did say the cervix was closed, so really I'm not super worried. It seems like the bleeding is coming from something on the outside of the uterus, and not the inside.

Relief. I, possibly, might be more pregnant than I have ever been. I'll breath easier at our next scheduled ultrasound, two weeks from today. I should be 11 weeks exactly.

Here is what baby is looking like today. Too bad I forgot to ask for a picture yesterday, otherwise I could show you what it actually looked like. Honestly I couldn't keep my eyes off that heartbeat, so I don't even remember what the body was looking like. I'll assume it looked like the image below (not the green olive) :)