I didn't have the WORST time with breastfeeding but I didn't have the easiest time either. I think given more time we could have made it work really well.
The process of learning this is difficult and invasive and weird, not the magical natural thing I thought it would be.
I went through three lactation consultants in my short time in the hospital who were all manhandling my boobs without another care in the world. And after having my legs spread with god knows what going on down there for who knows how many people to see... this seemed mild in comparison.
I had colostrum, we were figuring out the latch, we were on a roll!
On day 4, the day after we left the hospital my milk came in.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT
That hurts SO bad!!!!! SOOOOOO sooooooo SOOOOO bad!
A slight breeze would bring me to tears, they were massive, I was leaking everywhere, it was awesome and terrible at the same time!!!
Baby and spent so much time together feeding. Eat eat eat! My boobs hurt, everything hurt, I was still healing, I spent half of our feeding time wishing I had a leather belt to bite down on to make it through the pain. My nipples, my boobs, my armpits. I kept envisioning those women who just toss their boobs around and couldn't even figure out how I would ever get to a point when that would be possible!
OH the pain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whatever, I dealt with it.
About 5 days after I got home from the hospital I started noticing this weird feeling in my bladder/urethra.
Not having had a bladder infection before I didn't even know what this could be. I called the nurse after a couple of days and explained what was going on. They prescribed me some antibiotics. I started taking them right away. After one day it occurred to me that I was breastfeeding and should have thought to ask if it was ok. I called and they said "ohhhhhhhhh....no, it's not ok".
Well fuck, at this point I was a couple days in, and would have had to start over a whole new med (in retrospect I should have just done this). I decided I would just pump and dump. Seemed like no big thing right.
Wrong.
I was keeping myself so busy with all my projects and trying to get my shit together after baby that I just didn't make enough time for myself to pump. The medication was only supposed to last for 5 days, but in those 5 days I lost a huge amount of supply.
I managed to continue to breastfeed after that for the first 6 weeks but I could never satisfy the baby with how much I was producing, I was did not do enough pumping to keep my supply up, and I didn't do it frequently enough to get my body used to it, so everytime was just pain.
So I gave up.
I know I could have tried harder, I see the error of my ways. I wish I had made different choices.
I look forward to trying this again next time. I can totally see the benefits in this. Greyson had an easier time with eating (that became a much bigger problem a few weeks later). It was a very happy bonding experience for both of us. I deeply regretted stopping not long after I did. It wasn't until recently I realized that there was more I could have done.
I mentioned in an earlier post that I obsessed over this before he was born. All the reading I did and planning, it didn't help at all. The important things I wish I had known I didn't know. Some of those things I didn't know for months.
I also recognize the need for lactation consultants. I wish I would have called one. I thought I knew so much, but they would have known what I couldn't have.
Interesting things about breastfeeding I didn't know before going through it:
1. It hurts in a way I didn't expect. Sure the nipples hurt, but the pain from getting your milk in was way worse.
2. "let-down" is the most bizarre, creepy, weird feeling that is impossible to describe. The first time I felt it I involuntarily shuddered and gagged. WTF so random.
3. It makes you tired! Like can't keep your eyes open tired! It is the most odd thing, you will be sitting there nursing and it is like someone drugged you and you are fighting falling asleep. (I hear that gets easier to fight over time btw)
4. Your milk supply can dwindle VERY fast. It may seem like you are so engorged and no way you'll run out. But, nope! You do! So be careful and make sure you keep up the supply and demand thing.
5. You NEED to drink a shit ton of water. It makes you so thirsty it is almost insatiable.
6. You need to eat to keep your supply up. I was pretty lucky and lost all my baby weight very quickly, but I can imagine that contributed with my low supply.
7. It makes you sad when you stop. It must be hormonal.
8. The guilt I felt when I decided to stop was like no guilt I've felt before. I am not a sensitive, emotional person. But man, I was a sobbing wreck a few times over this. And TO THIS DAY still feel like a shit mom who couldn't have done better.
9. It is hard, I feel like there is no way to prepare. Books are interesting and satisfy curiosity, but it doesn't really help with the reality of it all.
10. You will feel pressure. Pressure for continuing, pressure for not continuing. People judge you no matter what you do. It is obviously a highly controversial topic. I was not prepared for it.
If I could do it all over again (and plan to try for the next baby) I would. I think it is worth it. I try not to beat myself up too bad, but I KNOW I could have done better so it is tough.
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